Love and Hate

 Love and hate do not live at opposite ends of the emotional spectrum. 

If I have felt love, friendship, and compassion for someone at any point in my life, it still lives there, even in a muted, non-active form. 

I live with regret - regret about things I've done, people I've hurt, expectations I failed to live up to, goals I have abandoned, and mostly the things I haven't done. 

Others tell me that they regret none of their past, and really, they should. Their lack of regret shows me that they are callous and calculating - possibly sociopathic - and obviously never cared about or loved me if they could do the horrible things they have done that hurt me emotionally and physically. 

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A Little More

Ed Sheeran, ©2025

You think I was born to ruin your life
But you did most of that before I arrived
Some things are broken when you open a box
Stop this, you've gone too far, enough is enough

I wish I didn't care this much, but I do
No one knows the half of it, what you put me through
And I, I sometimes wonder, do you live with regret?
Wish I could say, "I wish you the best", 'cause


I used to love you
Now every day I hate you just a little more
Life got better when I lost you
But every day I hate you just a little more and more and more
Blame it on your history
And say it's not your fault
I can't call you crazy
'Cause you could be diagnosed
Oh, I used to love you
But every day I hate you just a little more and more and more


I wish that you would look in the mirror 'cause, if you did
You'd see the problem is you 'cause you're a prick
I know that I'm your scapegoat whenever the rain falls
Whenever you slip or when you're in a dip
I was there to lean on when I was a kid
But, now that I'm an adult, I see it for what it is
I have to lock the door now, fuck building a bridge
Take all your apologies and put 'em in a bin
For your dad's sake, please move out your dad's place
Stop bringing drama there with your mates
Your sister's got enough to manage on her plate
To worry 'bout you controlling your rage

And, one day, we'll all be dead
But, between now and then
I never want to see you again

I used to love you
Now every day I hate you just a little more
Life got better when I lost you
But every day I hate you just a little more and more and more
Blame it on your history
And say it's not your fault
I can't call you crazy
'Cause you could be diagnosed
Oh, I used to love you
But every day I hate you just a little more and more and more


I wish I didn't care this much, but I do
No one knows the half of it, what you put me through
And I, I sometimes wonder, do you live with regret?
Wish I could say, "I wish you the best", but I don't


I used to love you
Now every day I hate you just a little more
Life got better when I lost you
But every day I hate you just a little more and more and more
Blame it on your history
And say it's not your fault
I can't call you crazy
'Cause you could be diagnosed
Oh, I used to love you
But every day I hate you just a little more and more and more

----

I don't throw anyone away; I know how much that hurts, and I don't wish that on anyone I have ever cared about. 

I've always been "too sensitive" or "too emotional" because I care so much, and while I do see that this is part of what is eating me alive, I have no sustainable method to stop it. 

Every time that people call ME the problem (or imply it) when they were the ones who acted impulsively, immorally, callously, or even violently, it makes me hate them just a little more each day alongside the love that will always be there. 

Maybe someday I'll be indifferent to you. Unfortunately, today is not that day. 

Waiting to Go Numb

You're not really my friend, are you?

You deny me the parts of your life that are obviously important, and you have played with my feelings for so long that I fear I've let you cause irreparable harm to me. 

You lied to me, ouright, and that tells me you don't respect me. You'd probably argue that you didn't lie - that you just didn't know - until now - what you wanted. Then you shouldn't have started anything in the first place. 

You know me. You know how my heart works. 

I needed to feel like I mattered, and you failed me...again. 

I know I'm sensitive, and you've said that I take everything personnally. Everything's "personal" when you're a person...so if you are cold and closed off, you are actually not more evolved. You are the opposite.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

No, I don't wish you happiness becuase you provided me with heartache, misery, and a few triggers that won't soon go away. 

There is nothing that says I need to forgive you. It might be possible if you were actually sorry for what you've done to hurt me. 

I keep hoping to just go numb to you and your life.

Letters and Smoke Signals

I write you letters, but I don't send them. 

I don't think you will ever be ready for what I really think of you and what you've done. I also think you have compartmentalized your emotions so well that it may not even register with you that you have done some heinous things to others. 

- When you participated in certain acts with (healed and possibly not-so-healed) adults who had been previously victimized as children, you contributed to their trauma and mental health problems, even if they say they are "fine." People behaving badly is a theme that needs to stop in our world. 

-  When you threw your antics in a former loved one's face - perhaps as a way to brag - you established a mindset that the entire history with that person did not matter and did not mean anything to you. She will never be able to view your shared past the way she did before. By acting the way you have, you have essentially destroyed the past, and each broken memory is starting to drift off like old fading smoke signals from a dying fire. 

- When you continued to ignore the red flags that I - and others - showed you...and then expect sympathy from us, it makes all of our concern and support seem unappreciated, not trusted, etc. Coming back from that is difficult because you did your Narcissistic partner's work by preemptively  discrediting us and now want us to support you as if you hadn't pushed us away and as if we weren't there trying to help you the entire time. 

I know people are flawed and make mistakes - I've made my own, too - and I try to rationalize your attitude, actions, and inaction in an effort to give you grace. I need to stop rationalizing and absorbing bad behavior. 

Sometimes, it's like you want me to accept your degenerate behavior as equal to my non-degenerate behavior. It just isn't, and asking me to believe in fiction like that is not how this is going to play out. 

You hurt me - and you hurt others - in ways you will never fully comprehend, and at this point, I don't think you even care to try to understand how your actions broke things in us, including trust.

It's no longer a question of trying to connect with and show you what you've done in hopes that you'll feel remorse and atone for your behavior. 

It's now about freeing myself from my perceived obligation to even try to help you grow into a better person. 

I think I'm going to dump the letters into my fireplace today and just burn them since it's much more likely that the smoke signals might have a better chance of reaching you. 

The Final Month of 43

Today is the first day of September. 

In exactly one month, I will turn 44. 

I have mixed feelings on this. I am not afraid of getting older; I just feel there is so much more life I want to live than what I have allowed myself in the past. 

- I start a new job on the 23rd of this month. 

I am working on preparations for that. They include clearing out and redesigning my office and clearing all clutter from my home office. I am also studying different applications that I can incorporate into my new role that will preserve the good things they are already doing while streamlining and automating some of the tasks to help free up time for my team to focus on the more challenging tasks. 

- I am interested in someone who "isn't ready" to date...after he indicated that he wanted to pursue this thing earlier on. 

I know things change and people change their minds as they realize more about themselves. The breadcrumbing needs to stop. It hurts my feelings and makes me second-guess my own feelings and actions. 

I don't feel anything or do anything "lightly," so I mull over everything in true "overthinker" fashion. This is a personality trait - NOT a disorder - so I do not see therapy being a way to stop this behavior in me. This behavior generally keeps me safe because I will consider words and actions from every angle, and that helps me to discern what is safe, what is worth my time, and what is actually meaningful to all involved. 

- I started going to the gym again this morning a 5 AM, and I plan to continue that like I was doing prior to my trip back to Michigan in the spring. 

I was surprised how taxing it was to ride a stationary bike and walk on a tredmill this morning. Tomorrow should prove easier, and the day after that should be even easier. Fall is approaching quickly, and having enough stamina to go out for a hike some afternoons/evenings will be key to my calmness and happiness. 

- I started participating again in my online writing group last week, and I plan to attend regulary, going forward. 

I write daily in a journal, just as I have done since I was in elementary school. I want to return to doing more creative writing, and I want to surround myself with people who see possibility in ideas. I also want the drama in my life to be contained on pages of text rather than in my interactions with other people. 

- The community band I joined earlier this year ended up not panning out.

This actually made the summer much easier to navigate with an influx of work-related activities. 

- My ukulele group has some upcoming performances that I need to decide if I will attend. 

I enjoy performing music, especially as part of a group. It is also physically impossible to be angry or depressed while holding a ukulele, so that is an added benefit. 

- I make weekly (and sometimes, more frequent) trips to donate items from my house.

I like that the clutter is steadily disappearing from my little world here. I feel lighter and freer, just from the removal of ("benign")items, and I hope to keep lifting the sensation of having burdens this way. It's a starting point, and I am certain it will continue to free my mind. Another positive note is that it is easier to think about the future and where I am headed when I am not trapped by all my stuff.  

27

 Today's number is 27. 

I am choosing 27.

If you know what this means, great!

If you don't know what this means, that's okay, too! It shouldn't affect you in the slightest. 

Too Much and Not Enough

 A common theme in my relationships is this constant balancing act. I have been told I am "too much" in the same breath I have been told that I am also "not enough."

I am too much of some things and never enough of others, so it creates this strange dichotomy that results in never measuring up to what someone else is looking for, what someone needs, or what someone wants. 

News flash: I fall short of perfect...and sometimes I even fall short of good.

It does not mean that I don't expect more out of myself. I don't like some of the permanent changes I see in myself, and even one of my neuropsychologists told me that the trick will be to find new ways to try to control, mold, and even accept these parts that I consider "less than" what I want. 

- We pretend to be mature and confident in our teens. 

- Our twenties are full of mistakes and missed opportunities.

- We establish ourselves as true adults - separate from our youths - in our thirties. My thirties included relearning how to walk, read, and function like I did before. 

- It seems as though my forties are the start of just not giving a damn anymore about what others expect or want from me. My forties feel like they belong to me. 

It took a long time to even feel like me again, and I admit that I sometimes feel like I'm an imposter in my own life. I have all of my memories, all of my previous abilities, and a greater understanding and empathy for those going through serious medical issues. I think that damage to parts of my right hemisphere (although minimal and mostly healed) created a difference in me that is hard to come back from. (Humans typically feel connection to others and their own memories through signals in the right hemisphere of the brain.)

I have this new direction/opportunity in front of me, and I want it. 

The start of it felt slightly jarring, but not in a negative way. It was more like waking up.  

I was surprised, comfortable, and intrigued. It's familiar but new, and I just feel good. 

This feels like a fit; I am just worried about all the ways in which I will not be enough or will be too much. 

The last time I had this chance, I was without the (albeit mild) issues caused by a health problem in 2011, and I feel like I am competition with both my younger, more exciting, and more abled self and others who "measure up" in different, more exciting, and more experienced ways.   

True Friendship: Repairing My Kitchen and My Life

 Yesterday night, I ended a relationship with someone I had been dating for seven months. While things started out on the same page, a friend cautioned me about the situation. 

She stated that while we both have baggage, the "luggage" does not match. This man's unresolved childhood trauma, past failed relationships (including a marriage that ended earlier this calendar year), and his unwillingness to deal with his issues in a way that involved trained therapists all led to our undoing. 

I decided to pursue this relationship anyway. For the first few months, things were good. We enjoyed the same activities (hiking, photography, comedy shows, museums, etc.), and we had plenty of opportunities to spend time together doing activities we both liked. 

I asked him in July for names of some contractors that he works with that he would trust to give me an estimate on some kitchen repairs that I needed. I have asked every week since the second week of July. Every time, he has given me a different excuse, put it off, or "forgot." 

The trouble really began when I introduced him to my two closest friends. One friend - an older woman I befriended while working in educational publishing - and the other - a man to whom I was introduced by a mutual friend. These two people have become "my tribe" while living so far from family, and they both prioritize me in ways that make me feel like I am part of their families. 

The boyfriend really took a liking to the female friend, and he was supportive of me spending time with her. He instantly disliked my male friend and began accusing me of inappropriate behaviors and banter with said person (despite those things never having happened). 

We should have halted things then, but we continued with the understanding that his insecurities, our mutual overthinking, and our interactions with other people would need to be addressed with supportive transparency. 

In recent months, things deteriorated, particularly when my male friend's mother rapidly declined in health and passed away. By reaching out to check on my friend and his sister, I had "broken" some sort of "rule" to which I had not agreed, My boyfriend explained that I had "prioritized them" by sending them texts to let them know that I am so sorry for their loss and was around if they needed me. 

I was not asked to end my friendship with my best male friend, although my boyfriend had asked that I  spend more time with him in the evenings rather than spending my time talking to the friend every afternoon/evening). I felt this would help my relationship, so I had a conversation with my friend who agreed that it was probably good for us both to focus on our new relationships and limit our catching up. His relationship did not last very long, but he continued to honor my request for uninterrupted time with my boyfriend. 

I do not progress in relationships as quickly as others, and this caused a rift in my relationship. My boyfriend decided that he "knew" why I was not like other people he had dated in the past and it was not that I was just a different person with different values. He decided the problem must be my close friendship with my friend, and he began badmouthing him and then accusing me of doing things with that person (in the past before I met my boyfriend). 

Every time I explained it was inappropriate for him to suggest such things and that he was wrong about his assumptions, he started an argument and cited my failure to "meet [his] needs" and how I was causing ALL the problems in the relationship.  

A week ago, we sat down to discuss the status of our relationship and if either or both of us felt it was salvageable. We both agreed that we needed to do some serious work. On Monday, we met to start the hard work of figuring out the mess we had created. We both expressed that we were going to meet later in the week after we spent time mapping out what we wanted and what we each needed to feel supported and loved. 

I completed my "assignment" and checked throughout the week to see if he was ready to share his, as well. Each day, he presented me with a different reason why he could not get to it - the final one being that he did not feel it was necessary to write down his ideas and he had thrown away the paper. When I asked if he would like for me to email it to him, he just gave a short "No" and changed the subject. 

I mentioned again that I needed the short list of contractors he had promised since one issue was becoming a larger problem now that the temperature outside was dropping lower and lower. He, again, did not have the information I requested. 

I also asked if we could meet on Friday night, and he explained that he hoped we could fix "this." He did not respond when I asked what time or where we should plan to meet. I tried a few times through social media messages and a phone call during the day on Friday. Eventually, he told me to just call him on the phone. 

I did. 

I asked if he felt that we were working, and he said no. We talked for a few minutes, and a mild disagreement started. I asked about what pathways he sees to reach a resolution. He said, "I don't see any way to fix this because you don't prioritize me."

I took a deep breath, silently counted to ten, and said that this relationship was just not working for me. I did not think we were going to be able to fix it. He agreed.

At this point, I said, "We need to stop torturing each other. We bring out the worst in each other, and I think this just needs to be over."

He hung up and then started sending (blasting, really) messages via social media chat. I agreed to talk, and although the result was the same, he unleashed some anger. We ended that call upset. 

Over the next couple of hours, we talked, argued, cried, offered apologies, cried some more, and offered well wishes to each other. 

I woke up sad today, but it did not last long. 

My friend Mark texted me to ask if today is a good day for him to come over to help me repair the plumbing, the wall, and the ceiling in my kitchen. 

We spent today doing just that while he reassured me that I would be okay, that working on myself to spot and avoid people like the (now former) boyfriend in the future is a good use of my time, and talking about life. 

We even made time for a swordfight with the foam insulation tubes for the pipes!

All in all, today was the first day of what I feel could be a path full of better days...and I have a true friend who will help build those better days!