too much thinking today

Jeremy being away at work leaves me with too much time to think. I did a great deal of cleaning, which is always a plus, but the over-analyzing is getting to me. I worry too much. I consider too much. I daydream too much.

Is it really possible to shut all of that out?

In an effort to focus on something else, I called a couple of friends today. Will is getting ready for a trip out west and Noah is up to the same old shenanigans in Battle Creek. It's funny that I would choose to contact these two, as they are the opposites. One is Mr. Stable and kind. The other is Mr. Wild Man/pseudo-asshole (but never to me).

Will told me about his garden and the overabundance of plants he has for the space. He doesn't want to throw away any of it, but there is just too much. That is just the kind of guy he is - he has too much of a good thing, and can't part with any of it (nor should he!).

Noah, once again, tried to convey that his life is moving in the right direction. It wasn't that convincing because he still cannot sustain a meaningful relationship with a woman while still hitting the bars and strip joints (hardcore) with his buddies. He hadn't quite figured out the connection. I attempted to explain the female perspective on his behavior. I also explained the long-term implications of dating a woman who is completely comfortable with and enjoys going to strip joints with him. I think he gets it now. He said I made sense. And he said he probably won't date those women anymore simply because they always leave him for a woman. (That's got to be crushing to the ego!)

Noah says he wants to find a nice woman who will help him settle down. When will people learn that if they want to change, they must do it - one cannot wait for another to nag the behavior away. Are people waiting for their mothers or something?

I had (and still have) many issues regarding relationships. In the past, I constantly pushed people away in a variety of ways. I sabotaged relationships. I found ways to "escape" what I thought was trapping me. Luckily, I found really decent guys to date over the years - that has not always been my desire. I used to wish for the type that would treat me in a way that validated all of the terrible things I felt about myself.

While I still haven't pieced together all of the details and situations that caused me to be like this, I recognized this was not how I wanted to navigate my life and I made the decision to not be like that anymore. It's not easy, by any means. And it doesn't mean that every step forward is firmly planted. I regress. It happens. Then I make another stride forward.