One week to go before I turn thirty. A few people have asked me if I am excited or sad. Mostly, I feel indifferent. I had thought that I would plan some big party or night out to celebrate, but it really doesn't seem necessary at this point. I don't really care, and I know others don't really care, either.
J called to ask what my plans are. I told him I had planned to hang out with friends. He wanted me to cancel my plans and spend my birthday with him. He thought I was choosing one person, in particular, over him because of past events. I explained that I know he isn't too fond of many of my friends because they are people who are truly comfortable with themselves - something he is not - and my old group of friends is a unique band of misfits who march to the beat of a very different drummer. Part of me wanted to give in and spend my birthday with J, but another part wanted to be regarded as independent and acting on my own accord.
At this point, I could go out with people or just sit alone at home. I honestly don't care. "C" asked when my birthday is, and I told him he should look at my profile and show some interest. He commented, playfully - but not completely playfully, that he'd already lost interest by the time I finished that statement. It's an awful thing to say to someone you have been seeing. Perhaps I should just stop interacting with him altogether. It might just boost my self esteem.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
MA Project
I am not motivated to complete my project for my MA. This is the final step for graduation and a pay raise at work. I think I am not very motivated because we all had to accept last year's pay and I am not earning what my colleagues in other districts are earning. It's difficult to want to do more work to not have it be reflected in my pay immediately.
I think I shall force myself to complete my annotated bibliography tonight. I need to get moving on something.
I think I shall force myself to complete my annotated bibliography tonight. I need to get moving on something.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
New classes
My teaching schedule was revised yesterday. I now have German 1, two sections of Honors English 9, and two sections of regular English 9. Overall, I think I will feel much happier and less stressed. The four different preps were overwhelming, especially since one of them consisted of created individual (daily) lesson plans for each the 22 students in that class.
I washed my car today. It had been quite some time since I last washed it, and I've been driving on dirt roads a bit lately to avoid some of the most annoying traffic pile-ups around here. I have finally started to organize student work into manageable piles. I have no intention of grading work tonight, but I am ready to hit the ground running tomorrow before my staff meeting at 6:40 a.m.
I washed my car today. It had been quite some time since I last washed it, and I've been driving on dirt roads a bit lately to avoid some of the most annoying traffic pile-ups around here. I have finally started to organize student work into manageable piles. I have no intention of grading work tonight, but I am ready to hit the ground running tomorrow before my staff meeting at 6:40 a.m.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
What Doesn't Feel Right
I miss him. I miss him when I wake up. I miss him when I can't share my day with him. I miss him when I'm climbing into bed. I even miss him when I'm sleeping.
And something I learned today...he misses me, too, in all of these same moments.
It both pleases me and saddens me. I don't know where to go from here. I don't know if there is anywhere to go. I thought I was making the right choice before, but it doesn't feel right anymore.
And something I learned today...he misses me, too, in all of these same moments.
It both pleases me and saddens me. I don't know where to go from here. I don't know if there is anywhere to go. I thought I was making the right choice before, but it doesn't feel right anymore.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
ONE
A cold has invaded the life I wanted to live this weekend. At the same time, I am pleased that I was forced to rest the way I needed to rest. I've been stressed, and that has allowed negative thoughts to take over from time to time. I keep experiencing those less-than-stellar moments in the form of depression, weariness, and a general dissatisfaction with the current circumstances of my life. This probably doesn't sound all that different from what people may remember of me the last time we hung out. Truth be told, I spent several years feeling very much like I feel in this exact moment.
It's unwelcome now. I had one of those shifts in thinking that most people try to have. I've been happier. I've accepted some of the situations I cannot change and changed the ones I can. The trouble is that in this moment right now, I lack positive coping skills. I feel unhappy, unhealthy (I have a nasal infection), and completely worthless.
The friends I returned to when I moved back to southeast Michigan really aren't there. Sure, Melissa is still around, but she is married now and is making sure to build a solid union. Maureen and I no longer speak. I feel used because she put me through hell just being in her wedding and then she cut me out of her life afterward. While she recognized that we had grown apart, she failed to see that she was absolutely terrible with her demands (many brides are blind to their attitudes). When I wouldn't comply with everything, she painted me as a troublesome bridesmaid and must have chalked it up to stinginess...never acknowledging that I contributed a great deal of money (dress, shoes, bridal shower gift (several items), bachelorette party payment ($150), bachelorette party gift (check), wedding gift (a check), and I was present for everything I could be that didn't conflict with school or work (I became evil, I guess, when she had wanted me to skip a class one evening for one of her bridal gown fittings). I know brides get crazy and fail to see that what they are preparing for is a special day and life with their spouses, but I thought she had more sense than that. She did make the remark that it was her day on more than one occasion. I suppose I didn't want to see how selfish everyone else had told me she was since we were young. When her aunt was rude to me, I told her about it. Instead of jumping to my defense, I had to try to explain it to her again. She initially wanted me to just take it because she has to put up with her aunt after the entire event is over. I have never let my relatives (including one of my own aunts) treat someone I care about in such a manner. She did eventually fight that battle because she must have realized that something wrong had occurred.
I attended her barbeque (that I had been invited to). I was as pleasant as I could be with a recent injury and excruciating pain. I tried to strike up conversation, but she was cold and gave me the silent treatment for most of the visit. Had I known that she just wanted to be rude to me like that, especially in front of others, I would not have wasted the gas to drive there. I was hurt and angry by the time I left.
After that event and without discussion, she removed me from her list of friends on Facebook. I later received a book she had borrowed and a frame to replace the one her friend had stolen from me at her wedding. Yes, her friend. I don't want to say who, but I saw this woman take it from my collection of items as I was preparing to leave the wedding reception. The enclosed letter placed blame on me and stated a polite good-bye.
I suppose it should be a relief, but it's one of those situations that I wanted to resolve before we parted ways. I didn't get the opportunity to resolve anything with an old friend Mike a couple of years ago, either, but that was an entirely different scenario. Mike and I were instantly close friends in college. The rules we had for almost every other person did not apply to each other, and he and I became close very quickly. He was rational but fun.
The last several months of the friendship were strained. We would be closer then distant...closer then distant. We started to not see eye-to-eye, and there was this building tension and irritation that we couldn't quite understand. He walked out of my life by sending me an email that sounds suspiciously like one of his songs. I still miss him. He failed to see I was in distress even when I told him I was in distress. He didn't know how to deal with it. He just saw an opportunity to not deal with me anymore.
I fucked up my relationship with Jeremy. I fucked up any possible relationship with Tony. I caught someone else's attention, but the whole thing would be fucked up, so why truly bother with it? Someone else keeps asking me out, and I am not interested. I am trying really hard not to dash his little heart into pieces, but I feel like doing just that so that people will leave me the fuck alone so I can lick my wounds in peace.
I feel like I hate everything today. Only one person has really asked me how I am doing this week. ONE. I am miserable.
I think I am going to stop being the person everyone else comes to for help. They can all go fuck themselves. They offer me nothing in return, even in the rare moment I need something.
It's unwelcome now. I had one of those shifts in thinking that most people try to have. I've been happier. I've accepted some of the situations I cannot change and changed the ones I can. The trouble is that in this moment right now, I lack positive coping skills. I feel unhappy, unhealthy (I have a nasal infection), and completely worthless.
The friends I returned to when I moved back to southeast Michigan really aren't there. Sure, Melissa is still around, but she is married now and is making sure to build a solid union. Maureen and I no longer speak. I feel used because she put me through hell just being in her wedding and then she cut me out of her life afterward. While she recognized that we had grown apart, she failed to see that she was absolutely terrible with her demands (many brides are blind to their attitudes). When I wouldn't comply with everything, she painted me as a troublesome bridesmaid and must have chalked it up to stinginess...never acknowledging that I contributed a great deal of money (dress, shoes, bridal shower gift (several items), bachelorette party payment ($150), bachelorette party gift (check), wedding gift (a check), and I was present for everything I could be that didn't conflict with school or work (I became evil, I guess, when she had wanted me to skip a class one evening for one of her bridal gown fittings). I know brides get crazy and fail to see that what they are preparing for is a special day and life with their spouses, but I thought she had more sense than that. She did make the remark that it was her day on more than one occasion. I suppose I didn't want to see how selfish everyone else had told me she was since we were young. When her aunt was rude to me, I told her about it. Instead of jumping to my defense, I had to try to explain it to her again. She initially wanted me to just take it because she has to put up with her aunt after the entire event is over. I have never let my relatives (including one of my own aunts) treat someone I care about in such a manner. She did eventually fight that battle because she must have realized that something wrong had occurred.
I attended her barbeque (that I had been invited to). I was as pleasant as I could be with a recent injury and excruciating pain. I tried to strike up conversation, but she was cold and gave me the silent treatment for most of the visit. Had I known that she just wanted to be rude to me like that, especially in front of others, I would not have wasted the gas to drive there. I was hurt and angry by the time I left.
After that event and without discussion, she removed me from her list of friends on Facebook. I later received a book she had borrowed and a frame to replace the one her friend had stolen from me at her wedding. Yes, her friend. I don't want to say who, but I saw this woman take it from my collection of items as I was preparing to leave the wedding reception. The enclosed letter placed blame on me and stated a polite good-bye.
I suppose it should be a relief, but it's one of those situations that I wanted to resolve before we parted ways. I didn't get the opportunity to resolve anything with an old friend Mike a couple of years ago, either, but that was an entirely different scenario. Mike and I were instantly close friends in college. The rules we had for almost every other person did not apply to each other, and he and I became close very quickly. He was rational but fun.
The last several months of the friendship were strained. We would be closer then distant...closer then distant. We started to not see eye-to-eye, and there was this building tension and irritation that we couldn't quite understand. He walked out of my life by sending me an email that sounds suspiciously like one of his songs. I still miss him. He failed to see I was in distress even when I told him I was in distress. He didn't know how to deal with it. He just saw an opportunity to not deal with me anymore.
I fucked up my relationship with Jeremy. I fucked up any possible relationship with Tony. I caught someone else's attention, but the whole thing would be fucked up, so why truly bother with it? Someone else keeps asking me out, and I am not interested. I am trying really hard not to dash his little heart into pieces, but I feel like doing just that so that people will leave me the fuck alone so I can lick my wounds in peace.
I feel like I hate everything today. Only one person has really asked me how I am doing this week. ONE. I am miserable.
I think I am going to stop being the person everyone else comes to for help. They can all go fuck themselves. They offer me nothing in return, even in the rare moment I need something.
fireplace
I want one day to burn all of my bad memories in my fireplace.
Every extra helping of junk food.
Every insult or curse from a student.
Every moment I felt I wasn't good enough.
Every chance I had to make other people happy and didn't.
Every time I felt conflicted and settled on nothing.
Every time I was quick to anger.
Every time I didn't measure up to someone's high expectations of me.
Every instance in which I failed my own tests.
Every dirty look..
or passing judgment...
or rude remark from people who don't care enough to ask.
Every extra box of stuff I truly don't need but won't part with.
All of my baggage.
Each of my missed chances that would have lead to a happy adulthood.
Every moment of feeling stupid.
Every moment of knowing more than others and not being able to convince them of the truth.
Every moment I didn't feel what I was supposed to feel.
Every moment I felt something and said nothing.
Giving up on people.
Believing in the wrong people.
Being lazy.
Lacking true compassion when others needed for me to understand and support.
Every extra helping of junk food.
Every insult or curse from a student.
Every moment I felt I wasn't good enough.
Every chance I had to make other people happy and didn't.
Every time I felt conflicted and settled on nothing.
Every time I was quick to anger.
Every time I didn't measure up to someone's high expectations of me.
Every instance in which I failed my own tests.
Every dirty look..
or passing judgment...
or rude remark from people who don't care enough to ask.
Every extra box of stuff I truly don't need but won't part with.
All of my baggage.
Each of my missed chances that would have lead to a happy adulthood.
Every moment of feeling stupid.
Every moment of knowing more than others and not being able to convince them of the truth.
Every moment I didn't feel what I was supposed to feel.
Every moment I felt something and said nothing.
Giving up on people.
Believing in the wrong people.
Being lazy.
Lacking true compassion when others needed for me to understand and support.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Foot massage, please.
The start of this school has been stressful. The kids have been wonderful up to this point, but that may change soon. We are about to (as stupid as this is) change schedules to accommodate more teachers being added to the schools. This is great to lower class numbers, but I feel as though I am already accustomed to the hordes of students who enter my room each hour. I'd rather keep things the way they are, but I certainly can understand the plight of other teachers who may have over forty students per class.
I have yet to grade a number of items for students. I am exhausted by the end of the work day, and whenever I am able, I take a nap. My body is not getting enough rest at night, unfortunately. Waking at five seems to go against nature, as the sun is not even considering rising at that hour.
I stopped by the grocery store today after work. I bought (Strawberry Acai) Smirnoff Ice - a rarity for me. I rarely drink, but part of me was craving something sweet and alcoholic. I had one with dinner and opened another only to fall asleep on the couch for several hours. I was surprised. When I awoke in the dark living room, I was disoriented and felt mild kidney pain. I followed up with water, but it might be a long night for me. It seems a strong lesson for something so minor.
It's an even stronger lesson on the budget front. I had actually only visited the store to replace make-up I had dropped and broken on my bathroom floor this morning. I realized I was doomed when I couldn't resist the watermelon I passed as I entered the store. Then it was on to apples, carrots, and fancy bread. I bought pudding...another out-of-character selection. I was buying walnuts and pecans from the baking aisle, and there it was...cotton candy flavored pudding. It was on sale, too, so how could I resist? It turns out that it's really not that impressive. Boo, Kroger, boo!
I didn't grade anything I had set out to grade. I'm not complaining; I did get an evening to sleep. I just don't know how to stop feeling so behind with work.
I have yet to grade a number of items for students. I am exhausted by the end of the work day, and whenever I am able, I take a nap. My body is not getting enough rest at night, unfortunately. Waking at five seems to go against nature, as the sun is not even considering rising at that hour.
I stopped by the grocery store today after work. I bought (Strawberry Acai) Smirnoff Ice - a rarity for me. I rarely drink, but part of me was craving something sweet and alcoholic. I had one with dinner and opened another only to fall asleep on the couch for several hours. I was surprised. When I awoke in the dark living room, I was disoriented and felt mild kidney pain. I followed up with water, but it might be a long night for me. It seems a strong lesson for something so minor.
It's an even stronger lesson on the budget front. I had actually only visited the store to replace make-up I had dropped and broken on my bathroom floor this morning. I realized I was doomed when I couldn't resist the watermelon I passed as I entered the store. Then it was on to apples, carrots, and fancy bread. I bought pudding...another out-of-character selection. I was buying walnuts and pecans from the baking aisle, and there it was...cotton candy flavored pudding. It was on sale, too, so how could I resist? It turns out that it's really not that impressive. Boo, Kroger, boo!
I didn't grade anything I had set out to grade. I'm not complaining; I did get an evening to sleep. I just don't know how to stop feeling so behind with work.
Monday, September 06, 2010
Fall
I refuse to keep trying to pursue the different men in my life. I'm done.
I may still take the phone calls, but I am not opening myself up to further heartache and misunderstandings. I may still choose to hang out with these people, but I am really bothered by the fact that they appear to believe that women should pursue men and that they have no responsibility in this.
If someone wants to establish a connection with me that takes place outside of the bedroom or late night drinking binges or beyond having me pay for absolutely everything (and having me drive all the miles to get together), then perhaps I will consider being a part of that. Until then, I am going to focus on my responsibilities for work and all the fun stuff.
This fall:
I am teaching English 9 - Credit Recovery, English (Honors) 9, English 11, and German 1. It's going to be stressful, but I am going to think about it as though it's a challenge that will showcase my talent as an educator.
I am still going to be a very active participant in band (both as a musician and as a publicist).
I am assisting another community band with a performance this month, so I have extra rehearsal nights.
The ukulele group meets once a month, and I have decided that I will make a better effort to supply music and show up regularly.
I am seriously considering a ballroom dance class offered in a nearby town on Wednesday nights (beginning this week). I need the physical activity, and I hope this will bring about a new friend base that will allow me to move on from those people who have made it clear, through words and/or actions that they do not value me. If nothing else, though, I will learn some new moves.
I am going to do more photography when the mood strikes - probably at farmer's markets and all kinds of fall festivals.
I plan to travel more (now that I don't feel so afraid of the world). I want to take road trips with friends. I want to go alone. I want to feel as though I can just decide on a whim to take on a new adventure.
Another friend and I are seriously considering teaching in Europe next year. I have found some useful information, and I think we might be able to do it. I just need to set this in motion now. If I decide to not do it, that is completely my choice; I don't know what the circumstances of my life might be in one year.
I am already writing more, which is the direction I want to go.
I turn 30 in October. I am trying to decide what I want to do so that I can invite friends. By the weekend, I should have a solid idea. I already bought a dress for myself. It feels like the kind of birthday that I need to dress up. If no one can come, I suppose that's fine. I will just go to my favorite place in Ann Arbor and soak in the evening. I do think that M will come. This would be a good chance for him to meet new people since he doesn't know a lot of people here. Maybe Mike A., although he did mention he'd be out of town the following day. Maybe some other friends need a nice night out.
I will go to a cider mill this year, probably the Franklin Cider Mill. It was a childhood tradition that returned a few years ago when a family friend came back to Michigan to visit. He could not have been happier to go there. I have continued to go there, partly because it's nice to keep such traditions alive and partly because I feel like I can reconnect with the child I used to be.
I may still take the phone calls, but I am not opening myself up to further heartache and misunderstandings. I may still choose to hang out with these people, but I am really bothered by the fact that they appear to believe that women should pursue men and that they have no responsibility in this.
If someone wants to establish a connection with me that takes place outside of the bedroom or late night drinking binges or beyond having me pay for absolutely everything (and having me drive all the miles to get together), then perhaps I will consider being a part of that. Until then, I am going to focus on my responsibilities for work and all the fun stuff.
This fall:
I am teaching English 9 - Credit Recovery, English (Honors) 9, English 11, and German 1. It's going to be stressful, but I am going to think about it as though it's a challenge that will showcase my talent as an educator.
I am still going to be a very active participant in band (both as a musician and as a publicist).
I am assisting another community band with a performance this month, so I have extra rehearsal nights.
The ukulele group meets once a month, and I have decided that I will make a better effort to supply music and show up regularly.
I am seriously considering a ballroom dance class offered in a nearby town on Wednesday nights (beginning this week). I need the physical activity, and I hope this will bring about a new friend base that will allow me to move on from those people who have made it clear, through words and/or actions that they do not value me. If nothing else, though, I will learn some new moves.
I am going to do more photography when the mood strikes - probably at farmer's markets and all kinds of fall festivals.
I plan to travel more (now that I don't feel so afraid of the world). I want to take road trips with friends. I want to go alone. I want to feel as though I can just decide on a whim to take on a new adventure.
Another friend and I are seriously considering teaching in Europe next year. I have found some useful information, and I think we might be able to do it. I just need to set this in motion now. If I decide to not do it, that is completely my choice; I don't know what the circumstances of my life might be in one year.
I am already writing more, which is the direction I want to go.
I turn 30 in October. I am trying to decide what I want to do so that I can invite friends. By the weekend, I should have a solid idea. I already bought a dress for myself. It feels like the kind of birthday that I need to dress up. If no one can come, I suppose that's fine. I will just go to my favorite place in Ann Arbor and soak in the evening. I do think that M will come. This would be a good chance for him to meet new people since he doesn't know a lot of people here. Maybe Mike A., although he did mention he'd be out of town the following day. Maybe some other friends need a nice night out.
I will go to a cider mill this year, probably the Franklin Cider Mill. It was a childhood tradition that returned a few years ago when a family friend came back to Michigan to visit. He could not have been happier to go there. I have continued to go there, partly because it's nice to keep such traditions alive and partly because I feel like I can reconnect with the child I used to be.
Sunday, September 05, 2010
Kathy
My friend Kathy lost her mom this morning. I feel so sad for her. I wish I knew what to say to people in those moments. I express my condolences, etc., but it just seems too small an effort.
Her mom had borrowed her vehicle (a Jeep that Kathy has claimed on many occasions is the unluckiest Jeep in the world). She ended up hitting a tree and was going through bouts of surgery. Unfortunately, she did not regain consciousness after her surgery. Earlier this week, Kathy said that it was going to be a long road until she recovered, but her progress looked promising.
Her mom had borrowed her vehicle (a Jeep that Kathy has claimed on many occasions is the unluckiest Jeep in the world). She ended up hitting a tree and was going through bouts of surgery. Unfortunately, she did not regain consciousness after her surgery. Earlier this week, Kathy said that it was going to be a long road until she recovered, but her progress looked promising.
Wednesday, September 01, 2010
Rediscovered!
I have found so many things I thought that I had lost for good today, among them a necklace from Iran (from family friends), teaching materials, and a high school friend's music (recorded on audio cassette).
I found my nice diamond earrings yesterday while digging through a drawer in my living room.
I found gifts from former students who wanted to help build the cultural component of my German classroom years back.
So many things are returning to me. It makes me re-evaluate circumstances in my life.
The music was a great find. The friend was a musician through-and-through. He has always had this undeniable natural talent, and unfortunately, that has fallen by the wayside over the years. He didn't even have a recording of these two particular pieces (they are not songs as they have no lyrics). I found an old Sony radio with a cassette deck and played them. It took me back. After learning that the music tape was still of good quality, I recorded the music on my iPhone and emailed him the files (he, randomly enough, was online when I was online - a rare occurrence).
Sometimes the universe lines up and lets us have those moments and objects that serve to reconnect us.
I found my nice diamond earrings yesterday while digging through a drawer in my living room.
I found gifts from former students who wanted to help build the cultural component of my German classroom years back.
So many things are returning to me. It makes me re-evaluate circumstances in my life.
The music was a great find. The friend was a musician through-and-through. He has always had this undeniable natural talent, and unfortunately, that has fallen by the wayside over the years. He didn't even have a recording of these two particular pieces (they are not songs as they have no lyrics). I found an old Sony radio with a cassette deck and played them. It took me back. After learning that the music tape was still of good quality, I recorded the music on my iPhone and emailed him the files (he, randomly enough, was online when I was online - a rare occurrence).
Sometimes the universe lines up and lets us have those moments and objects that serve to reconnect us.
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