If I let myself, I can make an even bigger mess than the one I created two years ago when I was going through hell. This time, though, I can't blame a severe vitamin deficiency creating a mental imbalance (and everyone thought I was just having fun...crazy looks like fun from the outside, but it truly isn't when you are the one experiencing it). Being unhappy with life and relationships didn't help matters much, either.
I suppose the mark of being stable is that I can make the choice to not F things up. I wish I would have taken better care of myself years ago. I wouldn't be in this empty, lonely, horrible place I am now. The fact that I can see the cause-and-effect relationships clearly now is good. I don't have to travel the same path twice.
I reached out today to someone today, but he wasn't able to help me. I don't know why I am surprised every time I repeat this (I should probably redefine what it means to be crazy or stupid). For some reason, I keep hoping that he will be different - that he will be able to provide with me the behaviors that will send me into that elevated place where I can say that he gets it - that he gets me - that everything works the way it is supposed to. Oh, well.
This next week and weekend are going to be busy. I return to work to go through MME testing. It's not going to be pleasant by any means. It should be okay, though. I'll manage. I have a performance with CCB on Saturday in Okemos and a performance with AACB on Sunday in Ann Arbor. I am feeling a little stressed because I also have someone's birthday to celebrate on Sunday, and an out-of-town friend will be coming back for the weekend to see family and friends. We've grown closer over the past couple of years, and I like that he really isn't the same as he was in high school. He has asked that we hang out, which is cool with me. I am determined to find a way to fit all of this fun into my weekend.
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