I've been thinking about my interactions with alcohol these past six months. I over-analyze everything. Some of the more recent discussions and actions have left me questioning myself. These are not to any one person but many from months of being too drunk to drive home, etc. You figure which question is to whom. And then, feel free to answer...if you're feeling up to it.
Do we ever voice our lingering thoughts after drinking too much?
What did you mean you and your wife live totally separate lives?
Why would you tell me that?
Did we only get along because we both had been drinking?
Do you remember everything we talked about?
Why do you think that more alcohol will increase your chances?
Why can't you ever remember that I am engaged?
Do you remember anything we talked about?
Do you want to remember everything you said and everything I said?
Is there anything better than Riesling?
Was I overstepping boundaries?
Why do you keep trying to put your arm around me?
Do I fucking look interested?
What did it all mean?
Did we reach a new peace?
Did we connect like we used to?
Why was your hand on my back?
Did you forgive me in that moment?
What did it mean to you?
Would you want to talk again?
Did we say everything?
Do you understand me now?
How did we used to do this for so many hours?
Do you hate me?
Do you think less of me?
Do you think more of me?
Do you truly understand that hatred is not something that could ever exist from me to you?
Who am I to you now?
Can't you see the damned rock on my hand?
Why did I feel the way I did?
Was I trying to prove something?
Were you trying to prove something?
Are we competing?
What am I to you now?
Did I make you laugh?
Did I make you cry?
Will you lend me a shoulder again when things are tough?
Why do you keep picking me up time and time again?
What is everyone else saying?
Is it rude of me to ask if you remember our discussion?
Why did we walk the way we did?
Are you waiting for me to throw the next party?
Did you get the message?
Am I a better person when drunk?
Are you going to tell my secrets?
Should I tell yours?
Did I do anything to offend you?
Did I do anything inappropriate that did not offend you?
Can Ann Arbor be our drinking place?
Why did you start dating her, when you told me you wouldn't get involved with anyone at work?
Why did you finish my drinks?
Why did you stop hanging out with me?
Why do you shut me out?
Can we do shots again?
Can I get those terrible poems back I wrote at the bar?
Where did our novel-idea napkin go?
Will I ever be able to recreate that one night?
Will you take me out on the dance floor again?
Why do you let me drink before bed?
Why can't I let go and be wild?
What am I so afraid of?
Why do events from my past still stir up panic and fear?
Why do I scrub everything in my home after drinking?
How is it that I only plan to have one drink and wind up at the end of a liquor luge?
How does drinking make me even more introspective?
Why does my German improve?
Who is the life of your parties when I am not around?
How did you function without me?
Are we really friends?
Will you ever respond?
Did you ever say that to anyone else?
When you lingered in the hug, what did that mean to you?
What will you do with my information?
Will we still be friends six months from now?
How many times are you going to spill your drink on me?
What did the 'look' mean?
What were you planning on when ordering those extra drinks?
Did you really expect for the party to continue?
Why do you have to be so nice about it?
When are you coming back to do this all over again?
Why did you choose that drink on that night?
Will you hold my hair back?
Are you still nervous around me?
Are we friends again yet?
Do you mind if I flirt with you?
Where do you see this going?
Do I have a problem?
10 comments:
Alcohol: An Enlightenment Drug?
Wow. Quite an interesting post. As I Started reading, I expected just a few questions. Then I had to scroll, and scroll again.
I am a believer that people start to get completely honest when they are buzzed to mildly drunk. (completely drunk we just get stupid).
Emotions are a hard thing to handle. Many of us bottle our true feelings up, trying to convince ourselves we are happy. We have our homes, our significant others, our decently paying jobs, our cars, and whatever else.
Then we convince ourselves we should be happy, because in our late 20's we have everything we were taught we needed in life.
Well, guess what? We are never truly happy, are we? There is always somethng there that says I need a change. Something does not feel right. We know it can feel right, but it doesn't now.
Time has settled us in our ways. So we know deep down inside that any change we make would be a life changing event. But fear sets in, as time has made us who we are, and we convince outselves we are comfortable or happy.
We ponder the "What if I had done this or that differently?" questions from back in the day. Would life be different now. Would I be truly happy more often?
Enter Alcohol Stage Left.
We drink to relax us. To lull us from the reality we live in. Why do we do this? Perhaps to "To forget about life for a while." To put us in a state of false happiness where we can do whatever and laugh, and the true fact of life can remain wherever we want to hide them.
The Problem is that Alcohol is a double edge sword. Though it can put us in the state of euphoria, it also has a way of not hiding those things we want it to hide. Truths start spewing from our mouths. Long buried emotions come back to the surface. Recent logically made life decisions suddenly do not seem to be so logical.
So we do things.
We act on old emotions to perhaps see that glimmer of what could have been. We test that friendship to see if it is real. We test the friendships between others to see if that is real. Hell, we test engagements and marriages to see if the emotion and commitment is real.
We say things to people we never would when the walls of soberness exist. "I love you," "your a Liar," "You are an asshole," "I think you are very attractive," Just a few things I have said when drunk. I probably meant every word, but would never say it sober to those individuals.
We do these things because we no longer fear what could happen. Partly because the alcohol has inibriated the "rational thought" part of our brains, and partly because we start to understand that we are truly not happy where we are.
Most of our actions are a attempt to make ourselves temporarily or permanently more happy. Unfortunately they quite often leave the recipient of our actions uncomfortable and questioning, like you.
It is also interesting to notice the circle of influence that starts while drinking with groups and bars or parties. Many of us say or do things to others just as much as other have done to us.
(Wow, I am starting to write a dissertation again, sorry).
That all being said, Excessive alcohol consumption just makes us completely stupid. I think out animalistic instincts start to come out and we act on our natural urge to procreate. Some act on thier natural urges to Kill things. (I hate angry, violent drunks.)
For Me, I have tried to use my behavior when mildly drunk as an influence onhow I act now.
I was pondering why I could not be a honest to people whem sober. There were certain things I have said while drunk that I wished I had the strength to say while sober.
Why could I not say these things?
I looked at many events and circumstances and decided that I needed to be more open. To stop being afraid on unknown consequences. Say things to people I want to say, be HONEST about how I feel.
If the frienship gets strained or lost, oh well. At least I do not have to bottle up those emotions anymore. If I offend someone at work, oh well, at least I tried to make a change.
So, my final question would be this. Is it better to question our actions (or others) while we are drunk, or to explore them sober and see the true intent of our behavior?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And to respond to other things.
~ Our group of friends usually takes an impromptu road trip or two each summer. I will let you know if anything appropriate for either you or you and Jeremy arises.
~ I blew out a tire on my bike. When I get that fixed, I will be riding again. For now I have been walking on a semi regular basis. 6-10 miles each time. (which reminds me, I have to go work out.)
Wow. Only ten years out of high school and you are, perhaps, the most wise (and kindest) person I know. Wow, again.
Are you walking around Canton?
And you've piqued my interest in taking a road trip. I'm curious, though...What do these road trips entail, I mean, the ones that may not be "appropriate" for me? That sounds incredibly intriguing!
Wow. I should start proof reading my posts before I hit that button. I left some bad spelling errors and probably would have changed my grammar in a couple places.
:)
Thank you for the compliment, but I am not really that wise. I just spend way to much time trying to understand why I act the way I do(and why I do the stupid things I do).
Obviously my ramblings here are more philosophies then anything, as I have no way to prove they are or are not fact. :)
I do appreciate the "Kind" compliment, even though I tend to not be so kind sometimes. I care about people too much, and sometimes my caring comes through as being cynical or harsh.
As you have witnessed by some of my comments here, I tend to be completely honest about how I view life and refuse to sugarcoat things with congratulations or praise when there may be obvious reasons for concern. It is my way of caring I guess, even though I make myself look like a pompous know it all.
About the road trip thing, I did not mean to sound like we would be doing anything that was inappropriate on any level. lol.
What I meant was that I may be taking a road trip or two that I may not be able to take multiple guests on. For instance, I plan on taking an impromptu trip at some point visit my grandparents for a weekend, and inviting you all along is probably not the best idea.
I am sure we will have some sort of amusement park weekend or something coming up soon though.
And yes, I have been walking around Canton. My last route took me Palmer to Liley, North to Ford, East to Haggerty, and South back to the complex. A tad bit over 5 miles total.
The longest route I have taken was Haggerty to Cherry Hill, West to Sheldon, South to Geddes, East to Michigan Ave, East to Liley, North to Palmer, East to Haggerty, and back to the complex. Needless to say my feet hurt after that one. :) What would that be? about 8-10 miles or something?
I need to get my bike fixed. :)
As for "wise and kind", may I remind you that you know me.
I do know you, but you're going to have to post novels like James here before I'll let you compete for the title. ;-P
You and I should hang out soon. I know you have a party to attend this weekend, so this weekend probably wouldn't work. I am out for the summer, so my schedule has very few things that compete.
I think this is another summer of alcohol for me. I got in at about 5:15 this morning after barhopping around Ann Arbor with a friend.
I did give you my number, right?
I don't need a long post to convey my brilliance.
And no you didn't give me your number.
Ha "shafter79"! I am like Old Deuteronomy!
And I am a geek, How many people would get a lame Cats reference?
I haven't had a post this popular for some time. Keep replying, people. I love this!
see my blog for answers to those that apply and those that don't --
And I have to agree with Lish about the wisdom of James K.
Kudos to you my man!! I also appreciate your honesty with your observations and advice. There are too few people like you in the world.. I'm glad Lish has a friend like you!! :-)
Isn't it time we met yet?
So this is where James began writing his dissertation... ;-)
I'm not going to guess at any of these. If any of these are for me and you would like them answered, please kindly supply me with a list. :)
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