Stress and Kindness

I felt stressed all day long. I had to administer the ACT at work, and although it is a scripted test, I had to pay such close attention to absolutely everything I said or did that I felt a bit overwhelmed.

After the test, I had to sit through several meetings, working on the same crap we've been working on for months. I really needed to be grading or writing the quarterly exam that has fallen at my feet again. I am so sick of this responsibility. I don't like thinking about this stuff when so many other teachers get to criticize it - they don't bother contributing to it, but they certainly bitch about things (truth be told, I use state-created or ACT materials for the exam, so they really shouldn't be complaining at all).

Jeremy and I met for dinner after he flew back to Detroit tonight. It was a nice meeting. We've been having a lot of those lately. We recognize the overly-dysfunctional nature of what we had, and we are moving forward from it. We don't see full reconciliation, but we are not opposed to it, should it become obvious down the line (WAY down the line) that we want to be together again. He picked me up and we were off to sit in Friday's, talking about how much happier we both feel now. He said he felt like he was released from prison (not that he would truly know what that is like), but he acknowledged that he had created or generously helped to create the prison his life had become. I found his statement very much like my own commentary about being liberated when we both decided to separate. We used to be right for each other, and I did see that person across the table from me - the man I fell in love with, but the emotions have changed. I think we both realized that although the love we have for each other is as deep as or deeper than any ocean, we don't seem to be feeling the "in love" sentiments. I am afraid of them returning if I should continue to hang out with him.

There were no confusing looks or actions, like a hand on an arm or anything like that. Instead, there was a kindness that only people who are completely at peace with a decision can truly experience. This doesn't mean that I don't feel sadness about what occurred. I feel it. I feel like we had the world at our fingertips, but we were either too stupid or too lazy to make our dreams reality. We stopped living for each other.

When we dropped me off at my apartment, he asked if I was going to cry. I told him I'd probably cry a little bit, and then I did. I prefer this somber ending to the day. I didn't expect to be knee-deep in a carefree activity, like playing video games or playing the ukulele, so a quiet ending to a stressful day is welcomed.