The End

I lied. I lied to protect what I thought was working with Jeremy and me. I lied about talking to Tony online and on the phone. I withheld the fact that Tony was at the bar and at Joe's party.

I had decided to enter discussion to fix what went wrong in my relationship with Jeremy. We seemed to be getting along quite well. I was hopeful because we hadn't drifted too far apart. I had every intention of focusing on that, but I couldn't seem to shake thoughts about Tony. I even tried to get Jeremy to demonstrate those qualities that I never before knew I needed, as well as ones I always knew I needed, that Jeremy has never really been able to do. He was even willing to try, but for some reason, I couldn't be patient enough. I couldn't trust that he wasn't going to revert back to what drove me away. In addition to this, I have days in which I am borderline insane. This is not an attempt to be cute; it is a truth I've been withholding from many people. I am having some emotional issues, perhaps as a combined result of a traumatic and emotionally charged break-up and medical problems that seemed to hit a climax at the same time. I am still reeling from both, despite some drastic changes, so it is difficult to make progress and fix me. At times, I am able to slow down and get myself in order, but these moments don't last very long.

I responded to messages, thinking that maybe it would be okay (knowing, deep down, that it wouldn't be) - simply because I was avoiding being around Tony in a physical space. I figured the feelings would drift into the background, and they would be no big deal. I hadn't seen him in person in at least a month-and-a-half, and when I did, the feelings were still there. The only difference was that I was experiencing a sensation that I can only liken to that of drowning. I struggled to keep my bearings in our conversation at our table. I wanted to open up to someone and tell what I was feeling, but I was met with a message that I just enjoy the drama. I really thought that this person would truly understand some of what I was experiencing. I can usually hide how deeply I am hurting. I hope I hid it well that night.


Jeremy, if you happen to be reading this...I'm sorry. I know that nothing I say will ever make up for hurting you, for lying to you again, for making you feel like I am a terrible human being. I never meant to put you through this. I never meant to feel what I am feeling. I wanted to believe that you and I could get through anything. I was selfish. I was careless with your heart. I was too weak to give you what you required. I am sorry. I've destroyed every ounce of trust you ever had in me. I've obliterated everything that we once shared.

When Tony contacted me about his incident at work, I felt a surge of panic I didn't know how to avoid.

I truly hope we can be civil to each other. I hope that we both will get through this and heal. You didn't deserve any of this, and I never meant for it to happen.