Fall into place

My parents visited on Sunday. My mother was ill and cranky. That's almost never a good thing when she is around me. My mother is judgmental and criticizes a lot when she feels great, so when she feels rotten it becomes her goal to make me feel like I just don't measure up. At this time in my life, I already feel as though I don't measure up the way I should. My mother's constant remarks and "suggestions" only serve to make me collapse inward as I did earlier this year. I haven't yet learned of a way to ignore her. I haven't found a way to take it gracefully, either.

Some of my friends have great relationships with their mothers. They are close. They share interests. When I look at my own mother, I wonder how it is that I came from this woman who I only resemble in physical features. I have my father's interests, abilities, and temperament. I often wonder how it is that he doesn't snap.

Someone recommended to me that I really spend some time focusing on specific issues, one at a time. This seems like very general advice, but this person helped me to focus on prioritizing the many issues in my life. Many of my problems stem from the loss of employment. Once I find stable employment again, everything else will probably start to fall into place.



The relationship failures this year are my fault. There are circumstances surrounding both of the situations that I cannot and will not share, but suffice it to say that I am the one who truly messed up everything. My own inability to cope with the forces that I perceive as threatening plays a tremendous role in this.