I am so tired today. Teaching really took everything out of me. I feel sleepy rather than exhausted, which is a nice difference from the way I've been feeling lately. Since I visited the doctor over the weekend, I've been taking a variety of vitamins (I should just get a multi-vitamin, but those have made me ill in the past, so I am somewhat leery of doing that).
My vitamin B deficiency has led to some interesting skin, behavioral, and emotional issues as of late. I didn't realize that things has deteriorated so much. It feels good to be clearer now, but I wonder about what problems could have been avoided over the past four to five months. I guess that is my nature to second-guess myself when there really is no other way for things to have happened. I can't change the past. I can only learn the lesson that is in there somewhere.
I wish I had noticed the symptoms of the deficiency earlier. I could have put myself on track and probably saved myself a lot of aggravation.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Tired
I woke up late this morning. That will teach me to rely on plug-in alarm clocks, huh? I wanted to stop relying so heavily on my cell phone. I frantically called two of my administrators; we had to get word to the other person administering the MME test that I was going to be late. Tiffany took over and completed the supervisor responsibilities today. I was so happy to learn that she was doing this. I felt like a total failure, though. I have NEVER shown up late for work before. I was angry at myself. I was totally freaked out because today is the final day of MME testing, too.
When I arrived, I went immediately to my room and got settled. By the end of testing, I was doing fine. I even made a bunch of origami rabbits and squirrels and placed them around the room I was assigned to for testing. Andy has some sort of thing for squirrels, from what the kids tell me, so I decided that he should return to a small collection of squirrels on his desk (the rabbits are everywhere else - taped to windows, placed next to his classroom objects, etc.).
I taught in the late morning / early afternoon. I worked on the English exam that no one else decided to help with. I hate that everyone just expects me to do things for them. I am tired of this.
I need to go shopping. I need to get my hair cut (but my mother is out of town, unfortunately). I don't have band, but I need to practice my music. Afterward, I will finish typing the exam. I also need to do a crapload of cleaning. I think my kitchen and living room will be taken care of by 4 or so tomorrow afternoon. I really need to focus on the upstairs and the basement.
When I arrived, I went immediately to my room and got settled. By the end of testing, I was doing fine. I even made a bunch of origami rabbits and squirrels and placed them around the room I was assigned to for testing. Andy has some sort of thing for squirrels, from what the kids tell me, so I decided that he should return to a small collection of squirrels on his desk (the rabbits are everywhere else - taped to windows, placed next to his classroom objects, etc.).
I taught in the late morning / early afternoon. I worked on the English exam that no one else decided to help with. I hate that everyone just expects me to do things for them. I am tired of this.
I need to go shopping. I need to get my hair cut (but my mother is out of town, unfortunately). I don't have band, but I need to practice my music. Afterward, I will finish typing the exam. I also need to do a crapload of cleaning. I think my kitchen and living room will be taken care of by 4 or so tomorrow afternoon. I really need to focus on the upstairs and the basement.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Stress and Kindness
I felt stressed all day long. I had to administer the ACT at work, and although it is a scripted test, I had to pay such close attention to absolutely everything I said or did that I felt a bit overwhelmed.
After the test, I had to sit through several meetings, working on the same crap we've been working on for months. I really needed to be grading or writing the quarterly exam that has fallen at my feet again. I am so sick of this responsibility. I don't like thinking about this stuff when so many other teachers get to criticize it - they don't bother contributing to it, but they certainly bitch about things (truth be told, I use state-created or ACT materials for the exam, so they really shouldn't be complaining at all).
Jeremy and I met for dinner after he flew back to Detroit tonight. It was a nice meeting. We've been having a lot of those lately. We recognize the overly-dysfunctional nature of what we had, and we are moving forward from it. We don't see full reconciliation, but we are not opposed to it, should it become obvious down the line (WAY down the line) that we want to be together again. He picked me up and we were off to sit in Friday's, talking about how much happier we both feel now. He said he felt like he was released from prison (not that he would truly know what that is like), but he acknowledged that he had created or generously helped to create the prison his life had become. I found his statement very much like my own commentary about being liberated when we both decided to separate. We used to be right for each other, and I did see that person across the table from me - the man I fell in love with, but the emotions have changed. I think we both realized that although the love we have for each other is as deep as or deeper than any ocean, we don't seem to be feeling the "in love" sentiments. I am afraid of them returning if I should continue to hang out with him.
There were no confusing looks or actions, like a hand on an arm or anything like that. Instead, there was a kindness that only people who are completely at peace with a decision can truly experience. This doesn't mean that I don't feel sadness about what occurred. I feel it. I feel like we had the world at our fingertips, but we were either too stupid or too lazy to make our dreams reality. We stopped living for each other.
When we dropped me off at my apartment, he asked if I was going to cry. I told him I'd probably cry a little bit, and then I did. I prefer this somber ending to the day. I didn't expect to be knee-deep in a carefree activity, like playing video games or playing the ukulele, so a quiet ending to a stressful day is welcomed.
After the test, I had to sit through several meetings, working on the same crap we've been working on for months. I really needed to be grading or writing the quarterly exam that has fallen at my feet again. I am so sick of this responsibility. I don't like thinking about this stuff when so many other teachers get to criticize it - they don't bother contributing to it, but they certainly bitch about things (truth be told, I use state-created or ACT materials for the exam, so they really shouldn't be complaining at all).
Jeremy and I met for dinner after he flew back to Detroit tonight. It was a nice meeting. We've been having a lot of those lately. We recognize the overly-dysfunctional nature of what we had, and we are moving forward from it. We don't see full reconciliation, but we are not opposed to it, should it become obvious down the line (WAY down the line) that we want to be together again. He picked me up and we were off to sit in Friday's, talking about how much happier we both feel now. He said he felt like he was released from prison (not that he would truly know what that is like), but he acknowledged that he had created or generously helped to create the prison his life had become. I found his statement very much like my own commentary about being liberated when we both decided to separate. We used to be right for each other, and I did see that person across the table from me - the man I fell in love with, but the emotions have changed. I think we both realized that although the love we have for each other is as deep as or deeper than any ocean, we don't seem to be feeling the "in love" sentiments. I am afraid of them returning if I should continue to hang out with him.
There were no confusing looks or actions, like a hand on an arm or anything like that. Instead, there was a kindness that only people who are completely at peace with a decision can truly experience. This doesn't mean that I don't feel sadness about what occurred. I feel it. I feel like we had the world at our fingertips, but we were either too stupid or too lazy to make our dreams reality. We stopped living for each other.
When we dropped me off at my apartment, he asked if I was going to cry. I told him I'd probably cry a little bit, and then I did. I prefer this somber ending to the day. I didn't expect to be knee-deep in a carefree activity, like playing video games or playing the ukulele, so a quiet ending to a stressful day is welcomed.
Sunday, March 08, 2009
3-8-09
Grade papers
Enter grades online
Create lesson plans
Write text accompaniment to image transmediation for class
Read more of Bitter Fruit
Register for AATG and MCTE conferences in April
Hit the gym
Laundry
Color hair
Reorganize the Tupperware cupboard
Fix broken kitchen drawer
Fix broken handrail
Color hair
Update calendar (conferences, dress shopping with Maureen, etc.)
Practice music for band rehearsal
Clean the bathroom
Clean the living room
Put new sheets on the bed
Choose scenes for analysis (Romeo and Juliet - both 1997 and 1968 films)
Read more of Reeds in the Wind for presentation
Gather more of Jeremy's stuff
Scoop the litter box
Wash, dry, and put away dishes
Put shoes away
Play the ukulele
Take out the trash
Enter grades online
Create lesson plans
Write text accompaniment to image transmediation for class
Read more of Bitter Fruit
Register for AATG and MCTE conferences in April
Hit the gym
Laundry
Color hair
Reorganize the Tupperware cupboard
Fix broken kitchen drawer
Fix broken handrail
Color hair
Update calendar (conferences, dress shopping with Maureen, etc.)
Practice music for band rehearsal
Clean the bathroom
Clean the living room
Put new sheets on the bed
Choose scenes for analysis (Romeo and Juliet - both 1997 and 1968 films)
Read more of Reeds in the Wind for presentation
Gather more of Jeremy's stuff
Scoop the litter box
Wash, dry, and put away dishes
Put shoes away
Play the ukulele
Take out the trash
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
A Crush on Writing, Bitter Fruit, A Short Blond Man Wearing Glasses, and Other Lamentations During a Grad School Night
From my MySpace blog...
Monday resonated strangely inside my head. The irony of 2009 continues but has now been joined by a mild mixture of hope and new ideas about life.
Early in my workday, I began talking with a former student. I think I revealed a little too much about my life to this person, and I realize that I've altered my perception of this child I once knew. She regularly seeks counsel with me, and we made our usual visit in the hallway, discussing both of our similar prospects for the upcoming weekend – we've both been asked to see movies by people we hesitate to call anything more than "friend," simply because we are both in vulnerable places. I find our mutual vulnerability makes us wary in ways we didn't expect when she and I made positive choices about our separate lives several weeks ago. Our mutual misery
has helped us to find deeper understanding of life's intricacies.
Monday brings with it a kind ritual. I teach all day. I work on school-related nonsense, and then I join several classmates for our weekly Dinner, Drinks, and Discussion meetings prior to class. Today I decided to skip the event after learning the Jason was also not in the mindset to attend. Instead, I found myself savoring a bagel while trying to catch up on some reading for class. I picked up my copy of Bitter Fruit to stay on track for my presentation in a couple of weeks. I experienced a very bitter aftertaste when reading of incestuous dealings and reading the overused "fuck" time and time again. I found the use more for shock value than for literary merit as it pertains to voice or characterization. I didn't need to read about forced acts of penetration -- my feelings on the matter have made it difficult to meet the text on a level playing field.
After finishing my bagel and talking with classmates (who, by the way, were also horrified that this text is on our list for the semester), I found my way to our new classroom. I was very pleased to see Jeff on the third floor of Pray-Harrold. Jeff and I have shared classes in the past, and it is always good to see him. We have our traditions -- always greeting with a boisterous "Hey!" rather than a friendly "Hello!" or "Hi!" It always makes me think of who we are with certain people. I realize that I am me again. Last year, we ended one of classes with our professor at The Tower Inn (my regular D3 meeting site). She treated us to drinks or dinner (I don't remember which). The air was warm enough for a light jacket but cool enough to keep people from lingering in the way that April breeds a certain clear, star-sprinkled sky and fresh air but leaves no room for the warmth that will keep one outside. As a small group, we walked back to our cars, all sprinkled in that same starry pattern. One-by-one, we dropped from the group like the children in Willy Wonka's chocolate factory until just Jeff and I were walking. As I reached my car, he continued on to the structure, even though I would have gladly driven him that last part. I remember thinking about how he would return to Ohio to work for the summer, and I was a little sad because I had finally made a new friend in grad school who was now embarking on his short trip home. It made me wish for the fall.
Running into Jeff made me feel happy. We've run into each other on campus before, but this time was different. I hoped that he will get to see me outside the context of a stagnant engagement and all that entails. He asked the same question that everyone asks -- "How are ya!?!" I responded with the same word I usually use -- "Great!" -- only this time, I actually felt great. He sort of studied my face for a moment and then continued talking. I imagine that he could finally see that "Great!" really did mean "Great!"
This short, blond man and I have discussed a variety of things -- literature, philosophy, and literary criticism -- but our mundane conversation made me much happier than those past ventures down Intellectual Lane. I think this is because I am out enjoying life, and this friend of two years was finally able to see it.
As I joined my class, students were already distributing their writing for their short mini-presentations. I tend to hate the busy nature of our group during this time, but I felt happy about seeing a friend, and my day has had a few odd points that made me feel like it is okay to be me. I feel a little weird -- alive and alert and awake in a way that makes me think things that just don't make sense. I revel in these tensions. As I began reading one student's paper tonight, I felt myself develop a crush on the writing -- NOT on the writer -- just on the writing itself. Each word conveyed profundity that I was not quite prepared to read. I felt moved yet comfortable. The sentences swirled around each other with words that articulated ideas beyond the scope of my logic at first. I read the one-page response over and
over again, feeling the words charge through my mind, take residence, and then leave. This left me wanting more.
Monday resonated strangely inside my head. The irony of 2009 continues but has now been joined by a mild mixture of hope and new ideas about life.
Early in my workday, I began talking with a former student. I think I revealed a little too much about my life to this person, and I realize that I've altered my perception of this child I once knew. She regularly seeks counsel with me, and we made our usual visit in the hallway, discussing both of our similar prospects for the upcoming weekend – we've both been asked to see movies by people we hesitate to call anything more than "friend," simply because we are both in vulnerable places. I find our mutual vulnerability makes us wary in ways we didn't expect when she and I made positive choices about our separate lives several weeks ago. Our mutual misery
has helped us to find deeper understanding of life's intricacies.
Monday brings with it a kind ritual. I teach all day. I work on school-related nonsense, and then I join several classmates for our weekly Dinner, Drinks, and Discussion meetings prior to class. Today I decided to skip the event after learning the Jason was also not in the mindset to attend. Instead, I found myself savoring a bagel while trying to catch up on some reading for class. I picked up my copy of Bitter Fruit to stay on track for my presentation in a couple of weeks. I experienced a very bitter aftertaste when reading of incestuous dealings and reading the overused "fuck" time and time again. I found the use more for shock value than for literary merit as it pertains to voice or characterization. I didn't need to read about forced acts of penetration -- my feelings on the matter have made it difficult to meet the text on a level playing field.
After finishing my bagel and talking with classmates (who, by the way, were also horrified that this text is on our list for the semester), I found my way to our new classroom. I was very pleased to see Jeff on the third floor of Pray-Harrold. Jeff and I have shared classes in the past, and it is always good to see him. We have our traditions -- always greeting with a boisterous "Hey!" rather than a friendly "Hello!" or "Hi!" It always makes me think of who we are with certain people. I realize that I am me again. Last year, we ended one of classes with our professor at The Tower Inn (my regular D3 meeting site). She treated us to drinks or dinner (I don't remember which). The air was warm enough for a light jacket but cool enough to keep people from lingering in the way that April breeds a certain clear, star-sprinkled sky and fresh air but leaves no room for the warmth that will keep one outside. As a small group, we walked back to our cars, all sprinkled in that same starry pattern. One-by-one, we dropped from the group like the children in Willy Wonka's chocolate factory until just Jeff and I were walking. As I reached my car, he continued on to the structure, even though I would have gladly driven him that last part. I remember thinking about how he would return to Ohio to work for the summer, and I was a little sad because I had finally made a new friend in grad school who was now embarking on his short trip home. It made me wish for the fall.
Running into Jeff made me feel happy. We've run into each other on campus before, but this time was different. I hoped that he will get to see me outside the context of a stagnant engagement and all that entails. He asked the same question that everyone asks -- "How are ya!?!" I responded with the same word I usually use -- "Great!" -- only this time, I actually felt great. He sort of studied my face for a moment and then continued talking. I imagine that he could finally see that "Great!" really did mean "Great!"
This short, blond man and I have discussed a variety of things -- literature, philosophy, and literary criticism -- but our mundane conversation made me much happier than those past ventures down Intellectual Lane. I think this is because I am out enjoying life, and this friend of two years was finally able to see it.
As I joined my class, students were already distributing their writing for their short mini-presentations. I tend to hate the busy nature of our group during this time, but I felt happy about seeing a friend, and my day has had a few odd points that made me feel like it is okay to be me. I feel a little weird -- alive and alert and awake in a way that makes me think things that just don't make sense. I revel in these tensions. As I began reading one student's paper tonight, I felt myself develop a crush on the writing -- NOT on the writer -- just on the writing itself. Each word conveyed profundity that I was not quite prepared to read. I felt moved yet comfortable. The sentences swirled around each other with words that articulated ideas beyond the scope of my logic at first. I read the one-page response over and
over again, feeling the words charge through my mind, take residence, and then leave. This left me wanting more.
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