30

I think 30 scared him a little. Just a little. He thought I might be 28, which didn't seem so far from his nearly 26 years. I wanted to be 28 in that moment so that he could be right, so that he could not be scared that I am so far away from him because I'm not that far away from him.

It hasn't stopped our dynamic, so far, and I am eager to see if he looks beyond it. We are, clearly, becoming close friends with a side helping of flirtation. I rather like it, and he seems to not be able to get enough of it. I base this on his inability to stay away.

I enjoy his sense of humor, his inquisitive nature when he doesn't understand the words I use or the concepts I am discussing, and his general good gentlemanly persona. So many people aren't able to take my sarcasm. So many people don't ask about things of which they are uncertain. And so many people lack proper manners.

He's a good-looking guy who knows how to do stuff. He had tried going to college after high school, but it really wasn't for him as a younger man. He wants to do something now, which might suit him better. He knows about maintenance of homes and some carpentry. He has done electrician-type work and he seems to pick up new things quickly. He's patient and balanced in his daily life, even though he is tired of waiting for things to improve (who isn't waiting for that?). The more he shares with me, the more I want to learn about this man I see almost every day. I'm not interested in seeing if he is going to pick up the slack that others have left; it's more about me wanting to learn about him and what he has to offer. And yes, I know he has to have annoying habits...and I can't wait to find out what they are - if he'll let me.

I knew truly healing would be like this, small bits at a time.


On a somewhat related note, J. called to make plans yesterday. I wasn't feeling up to it, and even if dinner went well, I know I'd be thinking of someone else. A. never calls, so I suppose going out to dinner and then watching a movie afterward last weekend didn't get him to the point of acting on his own. Oh, well. The old R. called me last night to invite me over. I declined because of several things. One, I feel as though a slight cold may be coming on. Two, I am thinking about the new R. And three, I am not interested in watching him try his best moves to seduce me and then getting pissed off that I am able to keep myself composed and not sleep with him. He did let me know that he is off of work for the rest of this month. I'm surprised he would mention that. Let's just see if he tries to invite me out for dinner or something. Yeah, that won't happen. I am an afterthought to him, at best.