Seasonal Sadness

I feel really depressed today. The day started with so much potential. I slept in until 8:00. I organized the linen closet and then started to get my living room clutter under control (minimally). I sat down to eat breakfast and wound up watching crappy and depressing movies on Hulu.

The depression is making it very easy to avoid the Christmas shopping I still need to do. I am actually daydreaming about the different ways I could die. I know some might see this as a cry for help, but please be assured that I would never, in fact, commit suicide.

I'm just feeling low. Alone. Very alone. And not the good kind of alone that spurs a sensation of independence. It's the kind that makes me feel like I have no solid place. I don't belong anywhere.

This may be the first time in over a month that I've allowed myself to really feel the emotions rolling around inside of me. I usually don't have time to feel anything. I just sort of live my life day-to-day and eventually get tired enough to fall asleep. Going numb has helped me get through some crazy levels of stress at work.

Speaking of work, I really should put something in motion to teach in Germany, Austria, Switzerland, or Liechtenstein next year. I should do it for me, but I could do it to find out if R was serious about wanting to go with me. Why does he say such things to me, especially after I told him I like him? Doesn't he know that that might give me (false) hope? Or should I just buy into what Christine keeps saying...that men are fucking stupid? I really don't want to believe that.

I don't feel as though I really have anyone I can talk to. Eric has his own drama and doesn't need anything else to weigh him down. He gets too intellectual about these things sometimes, too, which makes me feel like I have to put on the academic hat to peruse his problems and my problems. Tony made a snide comment to me last week which I will never forgive him for. Maia is in Canada. Christine just wants to complain about men. James just wants to drink. Joe has Carrie and Carrie has Joe (not that Carrie and I have done much of the supportive stuff with each other in the past couple of years). Maureen is no longer my friend. Jeremy wants to focus on building a relationship again when all I want is someone to unload on right now. Marco and I don't know each other well enough. Melissa's still in the blissful newly-wed stage of her marriage, so she rarely has time for me. In fact, we haven't even met to celebrate our birthdays (October birthdays). Mike A. is MIA, although I see him on FB. I am tempted to cut him out because he hasn't responded much in the past few months. Mike V. is no longer my friend. The truly sad thing is that he is the only person in the world who would know exactly what to do or say that would turn my entire day around. Aaron only offers suggestions of sleeping around. He doesn't really listen to what I'm feeling.

I hate this time of year. I hate weekends. I hate being so alone. I hate feeling like I have to put on a happy face for everyone and everything because I have no one to be close to. I hate Christmas cards this year, with my friends' and family's (playful but depressing) suggestions that I get a "dear" for Christmas. I burned several of them in my fireplace, and then felt guilt, regret, and panic that something could happen to these people and I don't even have the last thing they wrote to me.

I've decided that I will go to my classroom next week to put up new posters, etc. Perhaps I might even get my lesson plans done then so I don't have to worry about them the Sunday before we return. The only place where I feel like I have purpose is at work. This is probably because it was all I had to hang on to a couple of years ago when my entire life fell apart. I had my students. I had my classroom. I had something. Then I got laid off. Being called back last year was a good thing, overall, but the kids were awful. This year's students are similar to the students I had two years ago. Their hearts are good ones.

I'm hoping that writing this will help me process some of the dark emotions so that I can move forward and feel happier this weekend. I want to lead myself to believe that because I have expressed these thoughts somewhere I will not need to carry them around with me. I think I will just watch some YouTube videos or start The X-Files series again and drink alcohol today.

Wait, scratch the last part. I will need to drive later when I muster the strength to go Christmas shopping tonight (yes, tonight, when most people are out on dates and visiting friends and enjoying drinks at bars).