Three years, Five months, and Twenty-six days.

This month, I feel more like myself than I have in the past three years, five months, and twenty-six days.

In those 1,276 days, I have been through the following:

1.  Brain surgery and recovery

2. Four new jobs. The latest is the most amazing!

3. Four broken hearts (although I think only three were intentional)

4. A legal battle (still unresolved)

5. A return to (and somewhat of a departure from) the Catholic church.

6. Visited Canada. A lot.

7. Started living more in the moment because I finally understand that our time here is short and I want to live.

8. I helped a friend who needed more support than I thought I could give, and I think I'm now more his family than his family is his family.

9. Gained a new best friend who would do anything for me, just as I would do anything for him.

10. Began volunteering for a noble cause with a health organization nearby.

11. Returned to the fold of music. It's everywhere - my volunteer activities, my leisure activities, my relationship (my boyfriend is in charge of two music organizations in the area).

12. Joined German language groups.

13. Committed more to my writing group.

14. Started selling my endless amount of books on Amazon.

15. Started dancing - the Argentine tango!

16. Started to forgive some of those people who've wronged me (the serious wrongs).

17. Walked for a charity cause (Brain Aneurysm Foundation).

18.Was gifted a large saloon-style upright concert grand piano.

19. Helped friends find new partners and find new careers.

20. Removed some people from my circle of friends - people who were thwarting my progress.

The Tango

A year ago, after heartbreak, I devoted my typically boyfriend-oriented Friday evenings to something new: dancing the Argentine Tango.

Since learning to "follow" a little more in my dancing life, I've applied that skill to a few other areas in my life with some success.

Granted, finding love last fall didn't pan out with that man, it set me up to become more involved in some educational endeavors that have now placed me on track to a return to my teaching career.

I tend to want to lead in most aspects of my life, but "leading" by sharing my concerns, irritations, etc. is just not working.

Following a friend's suggestion, I stepped into the role of 'data entry clerk' in the health information management field. I have, for the most part, enjoyed this job, although my desire to return to teaching is always there, waiting to take that step forward.

In one year, I've lost love, found love, lost love again (but retained an amazing friend), networked, worked within the 'system' to get my life's desires again, met new people, said good-bye to several people, and generally followed the lead. Although I don't necessarily enjoy being a 'follower,' sometimes it's in the footsteps of others that we begin to understand them, their struggles, and all that we have in common. I can then take this knowledge and use it in ways that help me and those around me. I've begun teaching online, I volunteered a bit at the HIV center, I started a new job, I've performed music quite a bit, and I've gathered what appears to be an army to help in my fight to return to my career (doctors, therapists, social workers, insurance personnel, educators, and family). I even interviewed for a new teaching position and I am keeping my fingers crossed!

Tomorrow, my boyfriend and I (and one of my newer friends) will be embarking on a new Argentine Tango
journey. I hope that it builds more steps forward into my own personal journey, both in life and in love. If the fun, flirty leg kicks aren't enough, perhaps I'll venture down the street sometime and see if the Salsa will bring a little more spice into my life.

Messes

I made yet another mess. I took someone's words at face value. Due to right brain damage, I couldn't tell he was joking and I really insulted him and the woman he's seeing. I feel horrible. 

Alone Again

Today, I survived a difficult conversation regarding my relationship. Apparently, it's time to be single.

Well, hello there.

I took a break from writing online. Frankly, I wasn't feeling like anyone even cared, so I just stopped talking on here.

I'm doing well. I have a wonderful man in my life now. I am shocked to have found someone who approaches relationships the way I do. With the dating I've done in the past, I don't think I've ever before felt like I truly was a partner to the other person. It's a little strange still, but it's exciting and the guy is great. He might even be along for the adventure if I choose to move to Germany or Switzerland.

In other news, I am seeking a new place to teach. I am still technically employed by the district where I've been teaching since 2006, but I want change. I'm teaching in my free time, both as an online German teacher and as a private reading instructor for a friend's special needs client who wants to read better. Both part-time teaching experiences feel incredibly rewarding, and I am hoping they lead me to do more service in the world.

:-/

So sick of the bullshit.

Winding Down

It's time for a pity party, at least that's what my brain is pushing for.

Taking stock of 2012....
Was in love at the beginning.
Had my heart broken via FB in March.
Reconnected with an old college friend in April.
Met a guy I was crazy about in May.
May-guy hurt my feelings in July.
Was given a piano by college friend's parents.
Cancer scare in July.
Started dating the old college friend in August.
Turned 32 in October.
Old college friend dumped me in November, but we remained close.
Had several issues with my employer that have resulted in taking a leave of absence (not my choice).
Auditioned for a timpanist position with a professional orchestra.
Completed my certification for Teaching English as a Foreign Language.

Feeling fed up with life as I know it. I want something better for myself.

Bubi's, a band, and an Ex-boyfriend

I drove to that other country today to support a friend's band. My ex-boyfriend was there for a while. We did not speak. At one point, he just up and left - probably a reaction to my friend and I talking to his best friend (the band member). Thank you for showing me that you have no class, ex-boyfriend.

The band was good. I'm glad I went and supported the guys at their gig.

Dinner beforehand was delicious. I have plenty left over to enjoy tomorrow. Win! If you ever get a chance to visit Windsor, Ontario, Canada, you simply MUST try Bubi's Awesome Eats! (Oh, it's pronounced Bub - ees, FYI)

It's late, and I had a few too many thoughts rolling around this head of mine, so I should meditate and then sleep.

Clarity

Talking to the past can be helpful, but it just hurts so much. I spoke with one ex-boyfriend who still means a great deal to me. So, even though I learned some things about him and about myself, I still hurt. At least I gained some clarity.

LOVE

So, my boyfriend isn't in love with me. He has told me before and he told me again last night. He always follows it with the word 'yet' after a pause. I miss being loved-adored.

Influence

The longer I date Keith, the more I see how he influences me. At least I can say that he influences me in a positive way that is focused on healing the parts of me that feel damaged all the time - my brain, my heart, and my soul. He brings with him a calm Buddhist nature that helps me see the value in my experiences, my life, and myself. I recall how my ex-fiance used to influence me. At the time, I just thought that sacrificing things I enjoy and things I need would reward me later with a husband who was a good man. Instead, that "good man" started a new relationship with another woman while I was recovering from my stroke in 2011 (we were "separate but together" at the time) and then married her this calendar year. My ruptured aneurysm did a lot of damage. On the physical level, I am almost entirely healed - the brain is incredibly resilient, but I am definitely not the same person I used to be. My memories are intact, my personality is roughly the same, but I'm left with this constant feeling of not being good enough for anything I used to have or do. My employers assume the worst in me, claiming I have anger issues, although they have no examples to share of me demonstrating them. I get that I'm not as bubbly as I used to be, but being more subdued is not a bad thing when my job is to wrangle 170 teenagers and keep them reading and writing every day. I feel unappreciated for everything I do there, and unfortunately, since that is what fills most of my time, it influences me most. I start to wonder if I am worthless. I've been both verbally and physically assaulted at work by adults and children, and the emotional impact of that is great and very heavy. While some of these things occurred prior to my stroke, the bulk of them have happened after, and it makes me wonder where our society is truly headed if everyone is seeing fit to abuse someone who suffered and recovered from a terrible ordeal. One person I work for even claimed I must have caused my aneurysm by "irresponsible living." I rarely consume alcohol, live a vegetarian lifestyle, and I have never done drugs - ever. My neurosurgeon says my aneurysm was caused by a hereditary birth defect no one had detected (my great-grandfather died from a ruptured brain aneurysm in the exact same spot as mine). I've always internalized my negative dealings with outside forces. Normally, people who survive what I did are left angry, depressed, and violent. I am mildly depressed at times, but isn't everyone? I am not a violent person. I don't feel the urge to strike anyone (remember...I internalize everything.). I am only angry about how others treat me. When I set boundaries, people violate them. Not all people, mostly just the people I work with. I've decided that I don't want the people I work with to influence me anymore. I just need help figuring out how to stop their influence. Any ideas?

LEFT BEHIND

So, I'm getting really depressed because everyone else seems to be paired off and getting married. I have a boyfriend who cares for me deeply, but he's very slow about the love-thing, and I feel like I might never get that again. When will it be my turn to finally be happy? Someone I have very strong feelings for (and he for me) is going on a date today with someone new. He and I have remained close despite things not working out for us. On one hand, I am happy for him that he is going on a date. On the other hand, I am sad that he's trying to actually move on emotionally. I'm trying like hell to be happy for those people out there who've been able to find true love. I used to be so happy for people when they'd find it. I'm not upset that they've found it. I just want it, too.

FML

I'm resilient, but seriously?

So, some really bad stuff is going on in my life right now. My parents, my boyfriend, and a few friends know, but I am trying my best to be outwardly positive. I don't want people to know what is going on because it looks bad for me, even though it is not actually my fault nor did I do anything. 

 I'm tired of being a pity case.

Part of it is residual trauma, part of it is employment challenges, and part of it is emotional dysregulation. 

Change

Something has to change or I'm going to implode.

Now for the Legal

After unsuccessfully trying to get someone to "man up" for the past ten years and follow through with a promise to fix something that has affected me that long, I've decided to go the legal route and force the individual to do what is right. I will not "go away" until I am made whole again.

The beginning of Happiness

It's been a full weekend with my boyfriend. A wedding. An awesome book sale. A movie at AMC 20. And lots of sweet nothing's and cuddling. I needed this.

Day of Reckoning

The past is moving on today. Both the ex-fiance and the former best friend have carved out new lives for themselves and they officially march down those paths today. The most recent ex-boyfriend....the one i felt the deepest love I've ever felt for anyone....blocked me on FB and then sent me an email stating that he wants me to find someone who actually treats me the way I deserve to be treated....that we have too many "issues" between us for him to even offer friendship. What a jerk. I hate that THAT particular love left me blind and weak. Vulnerable. And I'm so afraid that I will never feel love like I did for him. Deep down, I know it will always be there. I'm trying so hard to let myself feel something like that for the new guy. It's a very slow, guarded process for me. He's more than patient, and I'm really hoping I don't screw this up.

To You

You are the one, whether you know that or not. You are still the first person I think about when I wake in the morning and the last person I think about before I fall asleep. You made me see the world differently. You made me feel like I belong somewhere.

Tailspin

I spoke to a number of people yesterday on the phone, in person, or online. My tailspin started early, and I reached out for stability. I didn't find it until I spoke to two of the people who contributed to my tailspin. The conversations felt natural and calm, which is part of the reason I experienced the tailspin to begin with. This constant need for reassurance, etc., is actually causing me to possibly miss something that is right in front of me. It's time for that to change. It's time to process those things I've been hanging onto and not truly dealing with.

A New You

I hate the phrase "Build a better you." I've been hearing it a lot lately from friends, family, therapists. I don't know how to build a new me. I can only work with what is already here. I can mold, adapt, alter, but I can't really BUILD a new me.