A return to closed-mouth, conservative communication

This past week has been quite a test for me. I have avoided certain people (mostly, anyway) and certain activities that prevent me from putting my life back together in this single context. There have been days in which I have turned off my phone for the duration of the day, just because I know I will call people I shouldn't. In the time it takes for my phone to reboot, I can usually talk myself out of the call. This reflection time is about me, and I need to not distract myself with the wants and needs of others.

Last weekend, I helped Melissa and Eric move. I had shown up the previous weekend and helped with what I could before we decided to call it a day and plan for the next weekend. I was more than happy to help. Yes, moving is difficult, but it has to be done, and I didn't have anything planned for myself, anyway. My friends usually don't help me at all whenever I move. Some offer, but when I actually make the plans, they are all too busy. That really speaks to who my true friends are, huh? Because of that move, I think Melissa's parents see me differently. I didn't complain or whine. I just moved things in an assembled furniture. It really wasn't that big of a deal. Melissa's mom told her to take note of who actually made themselves available and helped (both weekends!). So, now I am left with this nagging question...why do I not rank higher on Melissa's list of friends on MySpace. It seems like such a stupid thing for me to focus on, but my self-esteem has taken a beating for some time now, and I keep looking outside of myself for a pick-me-up.

It's weird. I don't get it. I don't know why I can recognize my faulty logic but not escape it. I don't feel melancholy about this, though. Am I just accepting this quality in myself, even though I don't want to?


I rank very high on Maureen's list. No. 2 is wonderful. That probably explains why she asked me to be her Maid of Honor. I am worried about planning a speech, as well as planning the bachelorette party - No, I am NOT taking her to see male strippers! I am morally opposed to such activities, and I will not take part in such things. I may need to have Carolyn step in for that sort of thing. And no, this is not a time for my friends to tell me to "lighten up" or "get over it" when it comes to those things. I respect your values, and I expect you to respect mine.

I guess this post is turning into a rant. I didn't mean for it to be a rant.

From all the years of my life, I suppose I was the most comfortable form of myself when I lived in Paw Paw. I followed my own direction. I was comfortable with small-town life and meeting friends in slightly larger Kalamazoo. I was out walking in nature daily. I spent a lot of time in an old Revolutionary War cemetery near my home. I was calm. I wrote a lot. I visited wineries. I was not battered with too many options or friends telling me what they think I should do rather than listening to what I want for myself and helping me attain it. I felt confident in my teaching. I felt confident in my personal life. I did yoga regularly. How do I find this again? How do I sustain it in this failing economy, emotional roller-coaster situation that has been my love life, and new stresses related to work and grad school?