Yesterday night, I ended a relationship with someone I had been dating for seven months. While things started out on the same page, a friend cautioned me about the situation.
She stated that while we both have baggage, the "luggage" does not match. This man's unresolved childhood trauma, past failed relationships (including a marriage that ended earlier this calendar year), and his unwillingness to deal with his issues in a way that involved trained therapists all led to our undoing.
I decided to pursue this relationship anyway. For the first few months, things were good. We enjoyed the same activities (hiking, photography, comedy shows, museums, etc.), and we had plenty of opportunities to spend time together doing activities we both liked.
I asked him in July for names of some contractors that he works with that he would trust to give me an estimate on some kitchen repairs that I needed. I have asked every week since the second week of July. Every time, he has given me a different excuse, put it off, or "forgot."
The trouble really began when I introduced him to my two closest friends. One friend - an older woman I befriended while working in educational publishing - and the other - a man to whom I was introduced by a mutual friend. These two people have become "my tribe" while living so far from family, and they both prioritize me in ways that make me feel like I am part of their families.
The boyfriend really took a liking to the female friend, and he was supportive of me spending time with her. He instantly disliked my male friend and began accusing me of inappropriate behaviors and banter with said person (despite those things never having happened).
We should have halted things then, but we continued with the understanding that his insecurities, our mutual overthinking, and our interactions with other people would need to be addressed with supportive transparency.
In recent months, things deteriorated, particularly when my male friend's mother rapidly declined in health and passed away. By reaching out to check on my friend and his sister, I had "broken" some sort of "rule" to which I had not agreed, My boyfriend explained that I had "prioritized them" by sending them texts to let them know that I am so sorry for their loss and was around if they needed me.
I was not asked to end my friendship with my best male friend, although my boyfriend had asked that I spend more time with him in the evenings rather than spending my time talking to the friend every afternoon/evening). I felt this would help my relationship, so I had a conversation with my friend who agreed that it was probably good for us both to focus on our new relationships and limit our catching up. His relationship did not last very long, but he continued to honor my request for uninterrupted time with my boyfriend.
I do not progress in relationships as quickly as others, and this caused a rift in my relationship. My boyfriend decided that he "knew" why I was not like other people he had dated in the past and it was not that I was just a different person with different values. He decided the problem must be my close friendship with my friend, and he began badmouthing him and then accusing me of doing things with that person (in the past before I met my boyfriend).
Every time I explained it was inappropriate for him to suggest such things and that he was wrong about his assumptions, he started an argument and cited my failure to "meet [his] needs" and how I was causing ALL the problems in the relationship.
A week ago, we sat down to discuss the status of our relationship and if either or both of us felt it was salvageable. We both agreed that we needed to do some serious work. On Monday, we met to start the hard work of figuring out the mess we had created. We both expressed that we were going to meet later in the week after we spent time mapping out what we wanted and what we each needed to feel supported and loved.
I completed my "assignment" and checked throughout the week to see if he was ready to share his, as well. Each day, he presented me with a different reason why he could not get to it - the final one being that he did not feel it was necessary to write down his ideas and he had thrown away the paper. When I asked if he would like for me to email it to him, he just gave a short "No" and changed the subject.
I mentioned again that I needed the short list of contractors he had promised since one issue was becoming a larger problem now that the temperature outside was dropping lower and lower. He, again, did not have the information I requested.
I also asked if we could meet on Friday night, and he explained that he hoped we could fix "this." He did not respond when I asked what time or where we should plan to meet. I tried a few times through social media messages and a phone call during the day on Friday. Eventually, he told me to just call him on the phone.
I did.
I asked if he felt that we were working, and he said no. We talked for a few minutes, and a mild disagreement started. I asked about what pathways he sees to reach a resolution. He said, "I don't see any way to fix this because you don't prioritize me."
I took a deep breath, silently counted to ten, and said that this relationship was just not working for me. I did not think we were going to be able to fix it. He agreed.
At this point, I said, "We need to stop torturing each other. We bring out the worst in each other, and I think this just needs to be over."
He hung up and then started sending (blasting, really) messages via social media chat. I agreed to talk, and although the result was the same, he unleashed some anger. We ended that call upset.
Over the next couple of hours, we talked, argued, cried, offered apologies, cried some more, and offered well wishes to each other.
I woke up sad today, but it did not last long.
My friend Mark texted me to ask if today is a good day for him to come over to help me repair the plumbing, the wall, and the ceiling in my kitchen.
We spent today doing just that while he reassured me that I would be okay, that working on myself to spot and avoid people like the (now former) boyfriend in the future is a good use of my time, and talking about life.
We even made time for a swordfight with the foam insulation tubes for the pipes!
All in all, today was the first day of what I feel could be a path full of better days...and I have a true friend who will help build those better days!
