I have been posting both here and on MySpace lately, and I can never keep straight where each of the posts go. While this doesn't seem like a big issue, I find that my life seems to be broken into categories and I don't know where everything is.
I have been getting out a bit more lately. Mostly, I've gone to Mike's gigs, on short vacations, or to my own music events. I haven't been getting through the regular day-do-day stuff easily. I am confused and overwhelmed by all of the deadlines I had set for myself. I am lazy about cleaning (although, Jeremy is much more lazy in that area, so I don't always feel so bad). My emotions are everywhere lately, and I feel more insecure than I have ever felt before. I don't really know what I offer the world, and this lack of knowledge makes me feel depressed. The issues I've been avoiding and hiding are constantly on my mind. I tell people I want to talk, and then I just can't bring myself to unravel my world - not that what is in my mind necessarily would do that, but I fear what changes could occur. Would people see me differently? Would people think less of me? Would people get the wrong idea? So on, and so forth.
Usually, I seek counsel with my closest friends. This summer, though, they have all found other things to do. I have never felt so lost. I didn't realize how much I was leaning on them, and I am upset with myself for needing them the way I have. My independence doesn't seem so independent, and my selfishness about needing their ears and minds to solve my problems sickens me. Mike V. is busy with music, which is wonderful for him. He is living the life he should. Reenee is working a regular job with evenings devoted to her boyfriend. Melissa and I have hung out a little - Jeremy tags along, so we don't get a lot of girl talk time. She will be leaving for Jamaica soon, and I feel that we haven't had a lot of time to step back and let our hair down. Beck is working a lot and going to school. Her fiance takes up her evenings, and I can't blame them for wanting to spend time together. She is very aware of one of the things on my mind...probably because she was there years ago when this was an issue before. Mike A. is here every other week. Because he is both my friend and Jeremy's friend, the visits are inconsistent. He comes over for dinner often (I absolutely LOVE entertaining guests and going all out making a gourmet meal, complete with decadent desserts!), and then we try to decide what to do. Half the time he drinks beer with Jeremy; the other half he goes with me to see Mike V. (Mike V., Mike A., and I all joined the same organization in college and have been good friends since). I did recently hang out with Joe, which was different. We talked like we used to, and it felt good to know that there is a part of me that can still connect.
Jeremy is getting back into school, so his attention is elsewhere most of the time. This is good and bad for me. It's my summer vacation, and I just want to spend my time with him. I'm too busy throughout the school year, with teaching and attending grad school (and participating in school events, band, committees, and soon a ukulele group), and I have very high expectations. I don't want to just sit in a room with someone. I want to be the main focus. I know that after 8 years of being together, we might not do that normally, but I want to be like that. Don't get me wrong...he's a wonderful guy. He just has so many different things going on that it's difficult to get a solid routine. And that is half my fault. I am useless if not on a strict schedule with a to-do list in tow. Perhaps I need to communicate these things better to Jeremy so that we get to do more. I suppose the worst part is that I keep finding more and more writing from some really difficult times in my life, and instead of shredding it or burning it or just filing it away, I keep reading every piece to figure out who I was before and during that time and how it relates to who I am now.
I am not sleeping well lately. The night brings no need to rest. Instead, I force myself to venture upstairs around 2 or 3 and then I stare at the ceiling and talk to one of my cats. I have disjointed sleep with short nightmares (that have steadily become worse over the past month). Eventually, I do get more sleep, but I lose much of my morning and feel irritable and tired when I finally get out of bed.
And for some of the positives lately...I've worked out a bit more than I was doing. I plan to go again tomorrow morning, and I will be checking the yoga class times for this month. I need to get that going if I am going to get this body back in shape! I've been doing more "girly" things. I have curled my hair and put on make-up and dressed up lately "just because". I painted my toenails yesterday, even though nobody was going to see them. Knowing that I took pride in that made me feel better. It's odd how something so superficial meant so much to me. I took pictures of myself making faces at my own camera...they were all blurry, but it felt good to act like me again. I cracked inappropriate jokes with some friends. I had a few conversations in German, albeit in a chat forum, with a few of my German-speaking friends (and I found a local group that I will be joining with Jeremy to keep up our skills). I helped Jeremy decide that when he goes back for his second bachelor's degree, he should major in German - he plans to major in history, as well. We received a rowing machine from Jeremy's grandmother. We discussed returning to Germany with Jeremy's parents. They are a little apprehensive about the whole international travel thing, and I think it would so much fun to take them there and get them hooked on international travel. I am considering moving to Germany after I get my PhD. I have plenty of time, but this is something I think could actually happen. Jeremy is now on the same page. I turned down an interview in Macomb County because the timing is wrong right now. If I were to get that job, the things I enjoy most about being in this area would not be possible. I don't even want that job that much, so it was easy to let it go. My roses out front are thriving. My avocado tree is not, but I am nursing it back to health. I've been invited to a Tupperware party, so apparently, I am now an adult.
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