The Need

I keep wishing for clarity without actually doing the work that would lead to clarity. I kick myself for not knowing which direction is right for me. The most I have done is figured out several directions that are not right for me. I get foggy, though, and backtrack when I am feeling unhappy.

I feel selfish worrying about my love life. I act like this is the biggest issue in the world, simply because it affects me, but there are others facing far bigger challenges and limitations. I should be focusing on ways to help them regain what they have lost or never had to begin with.


A handful of friends keep asking me why I am filling up my free time with music. This is why. When I play music, the worrisome inner monologue quiets and I can actually think. I can feel what I am supposed to be feeling. I can name those feelings. I've had so much imbalance in my life over the past couple of years that I was unable to process my emotions the way I need to process them.

CCB provided me a starting point to build up my performance skills again. AACB has provided me the chance to focus, fuse the right and left hemispheres of my brain, and challenge myself to be more in tune with purpose, beauty, and the rhythm of life. The AAYUC has given me license to be a little different, much like I feel when around most people. The very brief time I have been with the YSO has allowed me to be moved by the emotion of music written for the entire range of orchestral instruments. The chords aren't just breath. They are extensions of emotion and movement starting deep inside. I've needed this for a long time.