Change

Something has to change or I'm going to implode.

Now for the Legal

After unsuccessfully trying to get someone to "man up" for the past ten years and follow through with a promise to fix something that has affected me that long, I've decided to go the legal route and force the individual to do what is right. I will not "go away" until I am made whole again.

The beginning of Happiness

It's been a full weekend with my boyfriend. A wedding. An awesome book sale. A movie at AMC 20. And lots of sweet nothing's and cuddling. I needed this.

Day of Reckoning

The past is moving on today. Both the ex-fiance and the former best friend have carved out new lives for themselves and they officially march down those paths today. The most recent ex-boyfriend....the one i felt the deepest love I've ever felt for anyone....blocked me on FB and then sent me an email stating that he wants me to find someone who actually treats me the way I deserve to be treated....that we have too many "issues" between us for him to even offer friendship. What a jerk. I hate that THAT particular love left me blind and weak. Vulnerable. And I'm so afraid that I will never feel love like I did for him. Deep down, I know it will always be there. I'm trying so hard to let myself feel something like that for the new guy. It's a very slow, guarded process for me. He's more than patient, and I'm really hoping I don't screw this up.

To You

You are the one, whether you know that or not. You are still the first person I think about when I wake in the morning and the last person I think about before I fall asleep. You made me see the world differently. You made me feel like I belong somewhere.

Tailspin

I spoke to a number of people yesterday on the phone, in person, or online. My tailspin started early, and I reached out for stability. I didn't find it until I spoke to two of the people who contributed to my tailspin. The conversations felt natural and calm, which is part of the reason I experienced the tailspin to begin with. This constant need for reassurance, etc., is actually causing me to possibly miss something that is right in front of me. It's time for that to change. It's time to process those things I've been hanging onto and not truly dealing with.

A New You

I hate the phrase "Build a better you." I've been hearing it a lot lately from friends, family, therapists. I don't know how to build a new me. I can only work with what is already here. I can mold, adapt, alter, but I can't really BUILD a new me.

From bed

I am just trying to think of reasons to stay awake rather than go back to sleep for a few hours before I go to a new German language group I just joined. I installed the blogger app on my phone, so now that I have a phone that actually does the voice recognition stuff properly, it's actually kind of nice but I can just talk to my phone and my words show up.

Some of the lies I've told myself over the past year.... 1. my ex-fiance truly loved me. 2. my friendship with my former best friend was completely platonic. 3. I am okay and don't need a lot of help. 4. I have no deficits after the stroke. 5. the Canadian fell as hard as I did. 6. I enjoy my career. 7. I'm independent. 8. I'm in control. 9. I am okay alone. 10. my friendship with my current best friend is completely platonic. 11. I read a lot. 12. I sleep enough. 13. I eat healthy.

Anger, Revisited

My anger today sprang up after some less-than-civil dealings with my ex-fiance about some (still) shared finances. I honestly want to see that man happy, even though it will never be a happiness found with me. He was the greatest love of my adult life thus far, and I hate that it ended so poorly. Even if he became available again, I wouldn't want him. He abandoned me at a point in my life when I needed him the most. Now he's someone other woman's problem. I just hate that the only way to stop crying over my pain is to become angry. I think I am done with anger for the day. I am just going to cry - let it out - and then MOVE the fuck on!

Anger

My anger is costing me a new relationship. I feel C pulling away. He's spoken to me about his concerns in regard to my anger. I resent him for feeling the way he does. Another man (K)- a good friend who has indicated he would like to date me - has been comforting me and my bruised heart. Instead of just saying, "Well, you need to work on your anger," he provided me with books about processing anger and a friendly ear to help me sort through the messes of my life. I know he realizes he's helping me be more of what the guy in my new relationship wants - someone free of bitterness and anger. When K knew me before as a college student, I was actually a calm, sweet-natured form of myself - the person I still feel like on the inside, just hidden/swallowed by the hardened shell of an angry person. Anger made me stronger for a while last year after my stroke. It made me strong again after a broken heart. Now it's time to be stronger than my anger.

Tuesday's Music

I'm horribly disorganized. I have one day to completely change that. I have a piano arriving on Tuesday - an old college friend with whom I reconnected made this possible. His parents are giving me their own piano (an antique piano that has been in their family for about 65 years). While the move and the tuning will cost about $350, the piano is a rare find and worth a hefty sum. I couldn't believe when they insisted on GIVING me the piano, free of charge. They offered it to me when I saw it and asked to play it; I haven't had a piano in my home since 2004, and I just wanted to "tickle the ivories" - in this case...REAL ivory keys. So, Tuesday will bring me something new to focus on, which is good. I've been sort of stuck in a rut lately, and music always soothes my soul.

Some quotes

From William Shakespeare:

"The time of life is short; To spend that shotrness basely were too long."

(Henry IV)

"He that is giddy thinks the world turns round."

(The Taming of the Shrew)

"Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them."

(Twelfth Night)

"Men of few words are the best men."

(Henry VI)

"My salad says, When I was green in judgment."

(Antony and Cleopatra) From Mark Twain:

"One of the striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives."

("Pudd'nhead Wildson's Calendar) From Alexander Pope: "'Tis with our judgments as our watches - none Go just alike, yet each believes his own" (Essay on Criticism, Part I) "True ease in writing comes from art, not chance, As those move easiest who have learned to dance." (Essay on Criticism, Part II) "To err is human, to forgive divine." (Essay on Criticism, Part II) "In words as fashions, the same rules will hold, Alike fantastic if too new or old; Be not the first by whom the new are tried, Nor yet the last to lay the old aside." (Essay on Criticism, Part II) "Words are like leaves; and where they most abound, Much fruit of sense beneath is rarely found." (Essay on Criticism, Part II) "A little learning is a dangerous thinkg; Drink deep, or tast not eh Pierian spring: There shall drafts intoxicate the brain, And drinking largely sobers us again." (Essay on Criticism, Part II) "'Tis education forms the common mind: Just as the twig is bent the tree's inclined." (Moral Essays, "Epistle I) "Know then thyself, presume not God to scan; The proper study of mankind is man." (The Essay on Man, "Epistle II") "Worth makes he man, and want of it the fellow; The rest is all but leather and prunello." (The Essay on Man, "Epistle IV") "A wit's a feather, and a chief a rod; An honest man's the noblest work of God." (The Essay on Man, "Epistle IV") "Hope springs eternal in the human breast: Man never is but always to be blest." (The Essay on Man, "Epistle") From William Wordsworth: "My heart leaps up when I behold A rainbow in the sky." ("My Heart Leaps Up") "Bliss was it in that dawn to be alive, But to be young was very heaven!" ("The Prelude, XI") From John Keats: "Here lies one whose name was writ in water." ("Epitaph") From Rudyard Kipling: "Oh, East is East, and West is West, and never twain shall met, Till Earth and Sky stand presently at God's great Judgment Seat." ("The Ballad of East and West") "Lord God of Hosts, be with us yet, Lest we forgt - lest we forget!" ("Recessional") From Robert Louis Stevenson: "Here he lies, where he longed to be; Home is the sailor, home from the sea, And the hunter home from the hill." ("Requiem") From Sara Teasdale: "Life has loveliness to sell -" ("Barter") From Ulysss S. Grant: "I know no method to secure the repeal of bad or obnoxious laws so effecgtive as their stringent execution." (Inaugural Address, 1869) From Joyce Kilmer: "Poems are made by fools like me, But only God can make a tree." ("Trees") From Henry Wadsworth Longfellow: "Let the dead Past bury its dead." ("A Psalm of Life") From Abraham Lincoln: "With malce toward none; with charity for all." (Second Inaugural Adress, March 4, 1865)

The End is Near

The school year is rapidly coming to its conclusion. I think I overestimated my ability to cope with the abuse teachers take on a daily basis. While most of my students have been good int he six months I've been teaching again, there are some who excel at driving me to fits of tears when I get home. So, teaching is going okay. My love life is a bit more balanced, even though I am not in a committed relationship just yet. I have a few prospects. I think what I am truly looking for is someone who will support me and care for me they way my best friend does. While some friends think I should just date the best friend, that will NOT happen. The reason our loyalty, friendship, and deep emotions for each other work so well is this....there is NOTHING romantic there.

A New Chapter

Sometimes, I get these little reminders that everything happens for a reason.

My response to having my heart broken again was to sign up for two online dating services. The past week has been absolutely wonderful. I've talked with new people, met one new person, and then reconnected with a man I hadn't seen in 12 years - a college buddy of mine. We've hung out a couple of times and plan to get together again on Friday.

Reconnecting felt more like picking up where we left off the last time we talked. I so needed that right now, when I'm sort of reeling from having my heart broken AND trying to be who I always used to be.

Alone Again

I am very recently single again. There was no argument. I had no knowledge of the breakup until I logged into Facebook.

I started my day like any other Friday, working all day. When I came home and logged into Yahoo Messenger to talk to my boyfriend, he did not respond, which is not normal, so I logged into Facebook to see if he might be online there. The info on the top of my profile page read "In a relationship," but it did not list my boyfriend's name. I no longer saw him on my friends list, so I checked my messages since I knew we had had a conversation a couple of days ago and I wanted to click on a link to his profile.

I found the following:
SS: i've changed my "relationship status" to single... becuase I am not happy, I am very miserable
it has nothign to do with you, it is me... honestly... i dont know what I want to do anymore
i need time to figure out what the hell i am doing...


While the message was still there and I could click on his profile, he had unfriended me. I was extremely hurt. I love this man. I am attached to his three kids (remind me to not date someone who has kids).

I tried calling him, but he wouldn't take my call. This is not the behavior of a mature person who wants a meaningful relationship.

All-in-all, the day ended better. My former student teacher met me in Canton for a couple of drinks. My best friend was working at the restaurant where we met and ended up buying me a drink. At least I know SOME PEOPLE truly care about me.

I was supposed to take SS to a concert on Monday night. I already have the tickets. Now I need to find a new date ASAP.

New Finances

I met with a very cute and very charming finance guy today after work. We will be setting up my 403B account stuff on Monday.

One Year

So, March 14th this year definitely started out better than March 14th last year.

I kind of wish I had taken the day off of work today, though. My students were disrespectful, violent, and loud today. I was thoroughly ticked off. I had one student threaten me and I had security remove her. I kicked myself for not taking a "mental health day" today. I really could have used it.

I need a break.

I can't believe sometimes that I've made a full recovery from last March 14th's massive stroke.

TOO NEEDY?

Today, my boyfriend told me I am a bit too needy. This upset me. He's the one in constant contact.

If I sit on the far end of the couch, he has to comment about how far away I am. WTF?

TOO NEEDY?

Today, my boyfriend told me I am a bit too needy. This upset me. He's the one in constant contact.