Something happened recently that lead me to reevaluate why I say the things I do.
Historically, I've never cared much for what people thought. Unfortunately, that is not an attribute that continued with me through time. And now, it's causing problems.
I usually don't share what I truly think of people. My mother used to say that I told people too much and that was rude, so at some point I stopped. I even started sugar-coating things to make people feel better, even though I may have been dying to say something else entirely. There is a part of me that wants everyone to think of me in a nice way, so I try to build them up. I want to be remembered for sweet things I've said, kind gestures I've made, and so on. Who wouldn't want to be remembered this way?
Truth be told, I don't think much of some (not all!) people from my past. I tell them things like they were great friends, but I can remember thinking all sorts of negative things about them back then. I still believe those things to be true, regardless of their validity.
I thought of Joe as a good friend for a while a very long time ago, but now that perception just seems like a childish fantasy. I don't think we ever were friends. He let me believe it, and boy, did I. It's really interesting to find out that someone wasn't really a friend, that they had ulterior motives or were just using you in some way or another.
I never before realized that he is an ass. I don't know if it's a more recent development, but it's good that I see it. Hell, at least he's sticking to whatever his personality is now. If that is what gets him through life, then that's great. I really don't have a problem with people being jerks – I am a huge Tucker Max fan! I think yesterday was something else, though. I felt as though I was receiving more of the "ass" attitude than others. I am strict proponent for equality. If it is doled out equally, then there really is no issue.
I commented on his blog after reading a poem he admitted was initially inspired by me.
The situation:
Since I don't think I've ever formally said 'sorry for being a bitch and treating you like crap,' I decided to post it there – way after the fact. Just to make sure it was said. After all, he was the one who posted the poem from five or six years ago.
I was trying to do my typical 'build him up' thing just to be nice, saying things that might help him to not hate me (that's what I imagine – whether or not he truly hates me remains to be seen). What I really should have said is "Hey, I'm curious how you turned out. What are you up to?" Instead, I focused on saying that he was a great friend and someone that I missed – which I really don't. I was happy to get away and date around a little. Yeah, it hurt, but I did get over it.
I just wanted to know who he is these days. Maybe even find out if he could help me by explaining some of the ins and outs of maneuvering through the independent film network in the Detroit area. Yeah, somewhat selfish, but well-intentioned. I thought Joe has experience with the whole thing and could probably help. Unfortunately, it didn't go in that direction. We had another of our hostile typed conversations, this time adding in a public forum for the setting. That just shows that parts of both of us haven’t grown up. I wasn't alone in the conversation.
Lesson learned: Act and speak directly. People will not divulge information when they feel they are being manipulated.
It's just too bad that Joe probably won't see any of this, as he doesn't check my blog. If by some random chance he does see it, I apologize for the argument. I take full responsibility for putting you in a bad mood.
* Feel free to pass this message along, if you, my loyal reader, feel like it.
Lately, I've been checking on friends from high school and college, and not just the ones online. I'm simply curious and maybe a little surprised to see some doing so well. I may come across as pushy, but that really isn't my intention. I moved on with my life and learned that friends and family disappear in an instant, sometimes without warning. It’s a selfish pleasure to find out about the people who knew me when I was just starting out. I would like to know if they wonder about me. I would like to know if what they expected of me has happened. I just don't want to leave anyone out in my pursuits.
It all comes down to no longer being open with my motives. I think that is what is making people think that I am not sincere or that things mean more that they do. On the other hand, I definitely need to be more respectful and leave people alone if they don't want to correspond with me. Badgering them will not make them more curious. It will only annoy them and lead them to say horrible things about me.
I have grown up quite a bit, but I haven't been showing a lot of that here. I've made stupid comments like that 'I haven’t changed much from high school.' What I need to do is figure out why I keep saying comments like this. I live my life in a very different way than I used to. I approach tasks in totally different ways. I give freely when it comes to noble causes, like donations to shelters, volunteering, etc. I moved 1200 miles away and started a career I wasn't trained for - and did quite well. I’m a teacher! I never thought I'd be a teacher, and I love every second of it, even when students are not compliant or there is some catastrophe that prevents me from getting through a lesson. I am writing articles and doing research. I am with the most wonderful man on the planet, and I let him know every time I talk to him. I don't feel angry all the time anymore.
That is a far cry from the self-absorbed girl I used to be. I admit that I did put my needs before everyone else's. I wanted to be in control of every aspect of my life, even if it meant destroying surprises and relationships. I felt so confined by everything that my world entailed.
I just don't see things like that anymore. I am not sure if I was trying to show people that I could be the same as they remembered or what.
All I know is that it ends today. I will be myself. I will present myself as the professional that I am. This does not mean that I won’t have moments of whining, confusion, or disbelief. That goes with the territory of life, and I will most likely jot down something to help map everything out.
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And a final thought…oddly, I feel I need to thank someone. Joe, you did make me think after that heated discussion. Thank you for helping me to see that I am not projecting the person that I am now. And thank you to all you who respectfully waited until our spat was over to point out the craziness. I am feeling much better now.
2 comments:
Someone told me to come here and read this post. And, when one of my closest friends suggests something, even though I may not want to, I consider thair words and more often than not, do what they ask. But, it is my choice to make this comment.
I write this as I did several posts from the other day -- in a calm tone. That is definitely something that does not come across on the internet. We all manipulate tone in text at some point, whether we realize it or not, and that's sad.
You were once someone I cared very deeply about. I won't deny that. I can't deny that. I still think you were my first love. I shared a lot with you I never could share with others, and still have not shared with people. I never did have ulterior motives towards you. I was never just "trying to get some ass" or anything like that. I did care about you and who you were as a person. I thought you were a beautiful individual inside and out. Because of that, I had obviously fallen for you, into something I thought back then was real. Obviously, our views of each other were tarnished. I don't think that those views will ever be truly repaired. Again, that's sad.
Your comment of "I'm sorry I hurt you" has been said in the past, and it just not something I need to go back to. To be honest, I think everything that happened did screw me up to a point because well, I invested a lot of emotion into that relationship, and it went corrupt. Maybe I put too much of myself out there for you and in turn, the world, to see. I don't know. Some of my closest friends know now it has affected me, and I'm sure they still see it in me. But, we both went our seperate ways, which did need to happen. You seem to have made out better than I, in the long run, but I do hope that you are happy. And I say that with no harsh tones or sarcasm. After all, everyone deserves that.
As for targeting you with an "ass" attitude, well, I can't do much about that. No one else made comment as to the histroy of the poem, because i did explain why I posted the poem initially. It didn't have that relevance to anything in that post until you brought it up. I can't comment about it to other people when they didn't mention it. This is just one thing I'd rather not have to comment on again, because it needs to be buried. All of this should be buried. It is in the past. I'd prefer to leave it there because it does no good in present day. We all learn from our mistakes, and perhaps I should not have acknowledged said comment, because I don't think anyone needed a lesson in Drama 101 from either of us.
As I said in my previous parting words on your site, I hope you do continue down the road and are truly happy. And if you are, well, I hope I can end up finding something similar.
Safe journeys.
Wow. I certainly didn't expect this. I wish you well, too.
Take care.
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