Writing

Joe pointed out that I seem to dwell on one specific issue on my MySpace blog. I won't say that I don't write about it a lot - it is something that I have been struggling to understand for some time. I jumped the gun a little by suggesting to a few very close friends what I thought the underlying issue was, but it doesn't feel like that is truly the root. I explained the closest I could to what I was feeling - I didn't have another word for it. It's not quite that, but it is at the same time. It's like my emotions are tangled, and there is no way to see what they are outside of the intricate knot that exists, so I grasp at concepts that aren't always accurate. I know I post a lot there, but sometimes, I don't share my other writings. I set a number of them as "private." I mean, even that post was only able to be viewed by the short list of people on my preferred list.

I wish I was brave enough to share ALL of my writing. I have two blogs that I update fairly regularly. I sometimes write in a journal. I also write lists, songs, poetry, short stories, short plays (that could be performed in about 10 minutes), letters, self-reflective pieces, academic papers, plans for my life, and so on.

If I were to share all of these writings, my friends would see that on a daily basis, I don't really dwell on any one thing more than another. I think that I am just uncomfortable breaking away from sharing what they already know about me. It's okay for me to share emotions because we've all felt those, but sharing what is a true creation of mine is totally different. I feel self-conscious and scared that my fiction isn't profound enough or that my plays don't embody the essence of humanity.

My songs seem to focus on either deep emotion or they are goofy and overtly sexual, the latter of which not being something I have ever felt comfortable sharing with an audience. My upbringing in a house that did not acknowledge and discuss that part of human existence makes me feel bashful when the topic comes up. I know my lyrics are a way of making light of my own insecurities and embarrassment over such issues, but to share them would make me feel ashamed.

How do I get myself to feel comfortable sharing all of my writing? How do I move beyond the worry that my friends might laugh at something that I couldn't bear to know is terrible? I used to share my writing with a small group of writers, and that was okay. Perhaps I need to give Eric a call and locate Gwen and Scot to start that back up.


And, on a related note, I write so much because, at any given moment, I have at least five different things going on in my head. There is always a running list of tasks that need to be completed (sort of like the ticker at the bottom of CNN or FOXNews), usually two or three daydreams going on simultaneously (and they stay separate in my mind, even if they completely contradict each other), my inner voice that is commenting on the scenarios and how they relate to my life, and another voice that says why I shouldn't share certain thoughts or why I need to worry about something. I consider the last one to be the editor or the filter, and it tends to have the most control. Is there a way to stop this? When I used to do yoga (or if I'd had a couple glasses of wine), I could cut it down to maybe three things, but never could I just have one. It would be so wonderful to give my mind a break. It's always racing, especially in the middle of the night.

I've shared some of the thoughts with Jeremy on occasion - he was overwhelmed with just the different ideas going through my mind in a short two-minute interval. He tells me he doesn't know how I do it. I asked what he meant, in one instance, and he said that with all the ideas going on, he had no idea how I could function like a normal person. A "normal" person. I know he wasn't trying to call me strange or make me feel upset, but I tend to feel like other people's words are cryptic, and therefore, need analysis. I don't think I am abnormal. Am I?