Easter

Is today a day of rebirth? Or is it a day of resurrection?

I understand what it all means in a religious context, but I try to use religious holidays to reflect on my own life even though I would not say that I am "religious."

I would enjoy the opportunity to start anew, but that is just not how life works. Well, maybe if I altered my appearance, left all of my "old" life behind, and moved away never to return. I could be absolutely anyone I wanted to be. However, this is not really a true possibility, because I am already imbued with all sorts of values and expectations that would never truly cease to exist within me. Even in cases of amnesia, patients often continue with behaviors and practices that might feel foreign to them - these are remnants of who or what they had experienced prior to the amnesiac experience. The body remembers and, thus, they are not "blank slates."

As far as resurrection, one would return as they were before. So, if I were to experience some sort of resurrection, I would simply return to behavioral patterns or emotional responses that were there before. Believe me, there is a part of me that yearns for this. I want to recapture something that may not be possible. Even though I do feel things for someone different, I miss Jeremy. He makes me laugh. He is that person with whom I still envision my future. I'm certain this is normal after such a long relationship. I long for the days in which we were so good to each other - when we were just trying to make something of ourselves so that we could be what the other needed most. We had never reached that point of "enough is enough" (even when things had gone south before) until someone else stepped into the picture at a time that I was truly vulnerable. I was experiencing some serious medical problems that did affect my behavioral drastically, and I lacked the ability to cope with what was happening within myself, as well as what was happening in my life. I did my best to hide and avoid dealing with what was happening to me.

Others could argue that the feelings I am experiencing for Tony are part of a resurrection, as well. He was someone I recognized as a kindred spirit of sorts in my past. He saw the world differently from most people - and I always felt like he could see whatever point I was trying to make. The vast majority of people have failed to understand my logic. He has retained that childlike approach to new things, and I am drawn to that. He is inquisitive and kind, and I am curious. I feel special when I am around him, and I don't want to stop this feeling. I don't know that it will grow into anything serious just yet, but there is possibility.

So, today, I don't know what I should be considering - running off to, say, Germany and being who I would be there or resurrecting something here.

Or, maybe, I should lean toward fusion of both and try a new relationship with a different person based on the resurrection of romantic expectations.