Psychology

So, after discussing a friend's struggles with the id, I started to think a little more about the psychology of my own experiences.


In a nutshell, here is Freud's theory on the structural model of personality:

The id is centered around the pleasure principle. Whether we are discussing needs or wants, the id is what drives us. This is part of the unconscious (subconscious).

The ego is the personality and is based on reality. This is the part of our unconscious (subconscious) that lets us know that other people have needs and wants, too. In addition, it's the ego's job to help us understand consequences. This portion does move throughout the other levels.

The superego is our morality. This is developed by those who raise us - parent figures and society (communities, churches, etc.). This pre-conscious idea is closer to the conscious.


The last year-and-a-half has been driven more and more by the id. With the health problems I faced, my doctors explained that reverting to more instinctual trends is a sign that something serious was going on. I can only conclude that I was still functioning through my ego, as there is almost no other way for a human being, navigating my life between different desires and social rules with many moments of conflict. I was using my ego/personality to get what the id wanted without much regard for the somewhat traditional values I hold. Wait, scratch that. I was left feeling incredible guilty, sad, and frustrated because my superego would not let me do much. Wanting someone else from who I had been with didn't fit with my values, either, so I couldn't win.

I felt very fragmented, and these three categories of my subconscious seem(ed) to be in the most ridiculous battle.

To explain more fully, overall, I wanted to have the life I had planned with Jeremy. It fit with my values, my personality, etc. There was something new, though, that my id wanted. The battle was on. The id still wanted what it wanted before, but it also wanted something else and I started down a path to get both, if possible.

It's not wrong for the id to act this way. The ego is supposed to consider the id's desires and then look to the superego for guidance about how to act. It wasn't doing this properly because the wants changed moment to moment. This jerking motion in my mind made it difficult to really consider the different paths I wanted. Therefore, the day-to-day existence was fraught with contradiction and actions that didn't make sense to others or to me. I could say with complete honesty one day that all I wanted was to be with Jeremy. The next day, I could say I was completely wrong, and that I wanted to be elsewhere. Each was true in the moment.

I felt very confused and disoriented most of the time, so it's no wonder I was experiencing panic attacks and fits of situational depression. It was similar to what my friends have described about suffering from bipolar disorder, but it wasn't high or low for me. It was Jeremy or Tony. Both sides of this had highs and lows. I just had no coping skills for that set of issues. I was a mess.

I'm glad I went to doctors and counselors for help. The most alarming part was the medical issue I was having. Severe vitamin deficiencies are easily fixed, although they can take some time if some organs are already affected by the lack of necessary vitamins and minerals.

I have been taking about ten different vitamins, including a multi-vitamin, since then. My nails, hair, and skin have all been looking better. My eyesight has improved...I had thought I was going blind in one eye last year. My right eye wasn't registering a picture from time to time, usually at night, which is scary. My eye doctor is probably happy that he doesn't hear from me so much now. That's an improvement for him, I'm sure! I still have bouts of kidney and muscle pain, but I think that that will always be the case.

My mind is more stabilized now...with extra doses of those particular vitamins that I never knew were so important to daily brain function...but there is still some conflict. It's a different conflict, though. It's more about which direction, in the long run, I want to go and what I can and will do along the way. Yes, there are currently more options, but I think it is healthy for me to be looking at possibilities and reasoning with myself. My id wants several things, overall:

1. a stable, happy relationship with a man - not just particular ones...it wants an overall concept. (Yay!)
2. some fun and excitement (as they relate and don't relate to a relationship with a man)
3. comfort (through food, drink, companions, physicality, mental process, etc.)

To get wherever I'm headed, I choose to let my ego temper the superego and set the parameters of what is permissible.

And...we're off.