Thursday, March 30, 2006

...

Az, how are you? Haven't heard from you in a while.

Reenee, next week is Spring Break, but I don't know what my plans are yet. I have so much shit to do, but I would really love to hang out at some point.

Jeremy - talk to the chief pilot. Get your schedule fixed. You have worked EVERY day you have requested off up to this point. It's total bullshit. Just because your coworker has tits DOES NOT mean that she should be treated differently. Preferential treatment based on sex is unacceptable. Want me to talk to her? I'll gladly step in go a few rounds.

Lish, work on your damned GRE Literature test work. Quit procrastinating. The test is Saturday. Side note: find the admission ticket tonight! If you can't find it, call ETS tomorrow.

I am feeling a bit frazzled today, but it feels good.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

...

Writing up students gets to me.

Eh, like I care what a 16-year-old with a history of drug abuse, violence, and an arrest record thinks. She'll be back in jail within a year.

CPR training tonight. I thought I'd be looking forward to this more. I want my AHA certification.

Monday, March 27, 2006

...

I want to trade places with one of my cats, just for a day.

Alicia's stupidity

I was making several changes on my blog and realized that I had turned on the comment moderator when I changed my template, etc.

Stupid me!

I was starting to get a little upset about no one posting comments. People have been posting since I revamped this thing. I just wasn't getting any notification that people had tried to chime in.

I am so sorry. To everyone. I hope my stupidity didn't offend any of you.

And I received one message I didn't expect. It was definitely a shock.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

I think my mom is dying

I think my mom is dying.

She never comes out and says it, but the signs are there. Today during my visit, she had another one of her nosebleeds. They are getting more frequent. This time, it made her so weak she couldn’t even stand. I have never seen that much blood pour out of someone.

The post-polio syndrome is slowly taking away her mobility. It’s mostly just range of motion at this point, but I can see where it is going.

The surgery on her eyes and surrounding blood vessels doesn’t seem to be working. She will go blind; we’re just trying to delay it.

She says the expanding vein in her brain is getting better, but I don’t believe her. It’s inoperable, and the medication didn’t work. One of her specialists tried to clamp the vein, but that increased her risk of suffering a stroke. In addition, the blood infection wasn’t totally cleared up with the last few visits to the doctor.

She’s been to three or four doctors in the past few months, usually two times a week.

She also is showing signs of having an aneurism, but her doctors haven’t found it yet.

For a couple years now, she’s experiencing crippling muscle spasms that leave her in tremendous pain with little control over her limbs. I think my dad takes care of her more than he admits.

I’m so scared. I know everybody dies, but I don’t want to lose my mom.

She is so determined to not let anyone know what is going on with her.

...

Happy 26th Birthday, Krysten! I hope it's a blast.

GRE update: Yesterday, I completed the general test (2 analytical writing assessments, the quantitative (math) test, the verbal (vocabulary) test, and an experimental math section). My scores on the math and verbal tests were rather competitive. It will be another couple of weeks until the writing section is graded and added to my overall score. I never had any issue with writing on demand, so I am not too worried. I had plenty of time to go back over each essay and revise before time was up.

Spent most of the weekend with Jeremy. I slept a lot after the test. I was pretty out of it.

Literature test next weekend at Western. Yee-haw!

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

...

Thank you to Reenee and Jeremy for all of the encouragement and help lately. I've been somewhat fixated on the upcoming tests, and I haven't been up for a lot. Only about 2 1/2 more weeks of this craziness. Then it will let up slightly as I search for a new job. I am revamping my cover letter and resume. I also need to pull together my personal statement for my grad school applications. I also have to get Arnie to write me a letter of recommendation, as he is still the dept. chair at Western. He plans to step away from that position at the end of the semester, so I need to hurry up and get him the spec's.
I am looking for housing in several areas in Metro Detroit. Any suggestions?

...

The building was full of eighth graders today. Some of the instructors were a bit frazzled with all of the energy, yelling, etc. I really didn't mind, though. It was a nice change of pace from my regular teaching schedule. I have the GRE on Saturday, and I am trying to mellow out. Part of me is quite upset for giving up alcohol for Lent. The other part tells me that I need to find a healthy alternative for relaxation. Yoga just doesn't have the same calming effect it used to.
Another practice run of the GRE. I do appreciate that ETS sends out a CD with the exact format of the test.

...

Please check out www.subservientchicken.com.

Monday, March 20, 2006

...

For the last couple of weeks, I've been waking several times during the night with new story ideas or the solutions to problems I've had with poems, stories, etc. from the past. One "short short" story had a few problems, and I woke with the correct language to give it a jazzy spin. Last week, I embarked on a new project. I have the first four chapters planned. The end can go anywhere. I will not divulge too much, but Reenee thought it sounded like an interesting idea. She has been such a good sounding board with many of my outlandish ideas. I think she will keep me reeled in close, should I start to drift away - which has happened before in my more obsessive writing phases.

An aggravating thing about my writing is that I often only write after I see my ideas in movie form in my head. I usually have to wait until I can actually cast my characters, which takes time. Also, if I am stressed, I am more apt to write fiction. Poetry doesn't do what it used to for me, so I've almost abandoned it entirely. And I keep writing stories and plays instead of studying for the GRE.

I need to read more. For some reason, when I read fiction (and sometimes non-fiction), the characters in my head start to bug me. They don't leave me alone until I write about them. Some still don't leave me alone. Does this happen to anyone else? It's not to the point of schizophrenia, but who knows where it will lead as I get older? I guess the really worrisome part of this is that I am not bothered with the idea of being schizophrenic.

Anyway...I am in need of a break here. I just need to focus on the GRE.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

...

Sunlight poured through my window this morning, and I woke quickly. I feel well-rested and energetic. I started cleaning my apartment - the kind of cleaning that annoys Jeremy. I like to clean everything with bleach, from the ceiling to the floor - twice. I scrub every surface, including moldings (with an old toothbrush). It's this type of obsession that I love. It makes me jump head-first into all sorts of projects afterward. I made a list of chores, activities, and other things to accomplish today. I've only 40 items on the list, but I left room for more. I have completed about half of them already.

Yesterday, I attended a statewide English teacher conference at MSU. With all of the events there, I am starting to feel right at home on campus. The majority of the sessions were worthwhile, and I really enjoyed the keynote speaker. I attended one session that promoted teacher activism within communities. That is right up my alley. I was involved with a literacy council my first two years of teaching, and boy, were we political! I enjoyed being in an influential position regarding education standards and initiatives.

That is all. I want to return to my cleaning.

Friday, March 17, 2006

...

Sadly, I don't particularly care about the issues at my school. I am not planning on being here next year, so I haven't involved myself in the "politics". I will still show up, though, as my colleagues don't know that I will be moving during the summer.

Tomorrow I will attend an English teacher conference with several of my friends and colleagues. I've been looking forward to this for some time. I hope Mike V. shows up. I haven't seen him in a while. We still keep in touch weekly. Our careers have taken us so far away from each other, but we still keep that friendship alive. I am so glad we met. He's a great guy. Now, if I could just help him find a nice girl. He seems to be striking out lately.

He's athletic, sweet, funny, musically inclined (guitarist and vocalist), writer, teacher, loyal, forward-thinking, and more!

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

...

Feeling hopeful today. Perhaps it was the release of so much I needed to say in yesterday's entry. Perhaps it is that I am losing weight (and feeling great - if that's not too cliché).

I contacted WMU about discrepancies on my tax forms. I've been doing this for almost two months now, but it has not been helped. Today was different. The person who helped me seemed to actually understand the situation, and she is going to fix it in the system after consulting with the individual who erred. Victory! She explained that I would hear back from her, personally, tomorrow with the final outcome – whether I will receive a formal letter to attach to my files or a revised tax form.

I started reading my old blog entries. I put them to a new blog until I can come to some psychological understanding of why I say certain things to people. It is only through reflection and discipline that we change how we present ourselves to the world. It’s not about living in the past. It’s about using the past as a tool to understand human behavior, which is over ninety percent due to prenatal wiring. The nurture versus nature debate keeps coming up in my educational research. Perhaps at some point I will share what I’ve learned about human development, at least how it affects learning. Maybe that is a bit too boring. We’ll see.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Online Me ≠ Real Me

Something happened recently that lead me to reevaluate why I say the things I do.
Historically, I've never cared much for what people thought. Unfortunately, that is not an attribute that continued with me through time. And now, it's causing problems.

I usually don't share what I truly think of people. My mother used to say that I told people too much and that was rude, so at some point I stopped. I even started sugar-coating things to make people feel better, even though I may have been dying to say something else entirely. There is a part of me that wants everyone to think of me in a nice way, so I try to build them up. I want to be remembered for sweet things I've said, kind gestures I've made, and so on. Who wouldn't want to be remembered this way?

Truth be told, I don't think much of some (not all!) people from my past. I tell them things like they were great friends, but I can remember thinking all sorts of negative things about them back then. I still believe those things to be true, regardless of their validity.

I thought of Joe as a good friend for a while a very long time ago, but now that perception just seems like a childish fantasy. I don't think we ever were friends. He let me believe it, and boy, did I. It's really interesting to find out that someone wasn't really a friend, that they had ulterior motives or were just using you in some way or another.

I never before realized that he is an ass. I don't know if it's a more recent development, but it's good that I see it. Hell, at least he's sticking to whatever his personality is now. If that is what gets him through life, then that's great. I really don't have a problem with people being jerks – I am a huge Tucker Max fan! I think yesterday was something else, though. I felt as though I was receiving more of the "ass" attitude than others. I am strict proponent for equality. If it is doled out equally, then there really is no issue.
I commented on his blog after reading a poem he admitted was initially inspired by me.
The situation:
Since I don't think I've ever formally said 'sorry for being a bitch and treating you like crap,' I decided to post it there – way after the fact. Just to make sure it was said. After all, he was the one who posted the poem from five or six years ago.

I was trying to do my typical 'build him up' thing just to be nice, saying things that might help him to not hate me (that's what I imagine – whether or not he truly hates me remains to be seen). What I really should have said is "Hey, I'm curious how you turned out. What are you up to?" Instead, I focused on saying that he was a great friend and someone that I missed – which I really don't. I was happy to get away and date around a little. Yeah, it hurt, but I did get over it.

I just wanted to know who he is these days. Maybe even find out if he could help me by explaining some of the ins and outs of maneuvering through the independent film network in the Detroit area. Yeah, somewhat selfish, but well-intentioned. I thought Joe has experience with the whole thing and could probably help. Unfortunately, it didn't go in that direction. We had another of our hostile typed conversations, this time adding in a public forum for the setting. That just shows that parts of both of us haven’t grown up. I wasn't alone in the conversation.

Lesson learned: Act and speak directly. People will not divulge information when they feel they are being manipulated.

It's just too bad that Joe probably won't see any of this, as he doesn't check my blog. If by some random chance he does see it, I apologize for the argument. I take full responsibility for putting you in a bad mood.
* Feel free to pass this message along, if you, my loyal reader, feel like it.


Lately, I've been checking on friends from high school and college, and not just the ones online. I'm simply curious and maybe a little surprised to see some doing so well. I may come across as pushy, but that really isn't my intention. I moved on with my life and learned that friends and family disappear in an instant, sometimes without warning. It’s a selfish pleasure to find out about the people who knew me when I was just starting out. I would like to know if they wonder about me. I would like to know if what they expected of me has happened. I just don't want to leave anyone out in my pursuits.

It all comes down to no longer being open with my motives. I think that is what is making people think that I am not sincere or that things mean more that they do. On the other hand, I definitely need to be more respectful and leave people alone if they don't want to correspond with me. Badgering them will not make them more curious. It will only annoy them and lead them to say horrible things about me.

I have grown up quite a bit, but I haven't been showing a lot of that here. I've made stupid comments like that 'I haven’t changed much from high school.' What I need to do is figure out why I keep saying comments like this. I live my life in a very different way than I used to. I approach tasks in totally different ways. I give freely when it comes to noble causes, like donations to shelters, volunteering, etc. I moved 1200 miles away and started a career I wasn't trained for - and did quite well. I’m a teacher! I never thought I'd be a teacher, and I love every second of it, even when students are not compliant or there is some catastrophe that prevents me from getting through a lesson. I am writing articles and doing research. I am with the most wonderful man on the planet, and I let him know every time I talk to him. I don't feel angry all the time anymore.

That is a far cry from the self-absorbed girl I used to be. I admit that I did put my needs before everyone else's. I wanted to be in control of every aspect of my life, even if it meant destroying surprises and relationships. I felt so confined by everything that my world entailed.

I just don't see things like that anymore. I am not sure if I was trying to show people that I could be the same as they remembered or what.

All I know is that it ends today. I will be myself. I will present myself as the professional that I am. This does not mean that I won’t have moments of whining, confusion, or disbelief. That goes with the territory of life, and I will most likely jot down something to help map everything out.

_______________________________________________________

And a final thought…oddly, I feel I need to thank someone. Joe, you did make me think after that heated discussion. Thank you for helping me to see that I am not projecting the person that I am now. And thank you to all you who respectfully waited until our spat was over to point out the craziness. I am feeling much better now.

...

I've missed teaching journalism this year, so I decided to bring a little of it in to several of my program areas. This complies with the writing standards required in my curriculum, and it makes me happy to get away from traditional essays and resumes.
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Does anyone want to go out for St. Patrick's Day? I'm sure the bars in Kalamazoo will be wild. I could use the time out, and I can even drive - I am not drinking for a while. Let me know if you are interested.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Breaking into the New

New start for me, new start for blog. I am dropping weight fairly easily for the time being. I am energetic and happy.


Jeremy should have an answer on a possible new job by the end of the week. We're both hoping for the best, although his current job is still quite good.
I am applying everywhere in the Metro Detroit area. Now, I just need to figure out which graduate school will offer me the best deal. After that, Jeremy and I will be looking for housing. We just need to find a transitional home until we find a starter house. I am hoping for Royal Oak. It would be me directly in the middle of my best prospects, but we will worry about that later.

________________________

Looking at purchasing kayaks and bikes. Any recommendations? I am also going to get back into rock climbing. I should probably start planning vacations and buying my equipment.

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Next weekend: MCTE conference at MSU. Hopefully Mike will accompany me. We had a good time last year. Plus, we haven't hung out for a very long time.

3/20: Give drum lessons, go to sign language class

3/20-3/22: find time to have taxes done

3/23: Open House

3/25: GRE general test (math, verbal, writing (2); Formal banquet for PSP; Battle of the Bands for VBTC

3/27: Give drum lessons, sign language

4/1: begin Spring Break, GRE Subject test (Literature)

4/3: Give drum lessons

4/4-4/7: perhaps go to Traverse City with Jeremy; visit WSU, OU, EMU

4/8: Class at WMU, take draft of article for final discussion

4/15: Final submission for education articles