This blog seems to be the one place where I can unload a little bit. I don't see the need to visit a therapist because I know what is wrong with me. I don't need the diagnosis from someone else. What I do need is someone who will get me from where I am to where I want to be, and I don't believe that a therapist will be able to help me with that. It's an internal process. It's a simple process. I just have to do the things that are already obvious to me.
I'm just afraid.
And when I'm afraid, I lash out at others. I find ways to get a reaction out of them so that I can argue them out of my life. I use this to sabotage any sort of romantic relationship, too, because deep down, I really don't want to move on.
So, if anyone's wondering why they haven't heard from me beyond the Facebook status updates, that would be it.
I finally spoke to a friend who needed space from me. I pushed him too far in one particular conversation, and he was hurt - truly hurt - by what I had said to him. I feel awful for my part (which is most of it) in the conflict, and I fear I have destroyed one of the few lifelong friendships I've been able to maintain up until this point.
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