492

Too frequently, I assume that status updates on Facebook have to do with me. This doesn't apply to all of them - just of those people with whom I have recently spent time or chatted. Part of the confusion is the use of the word you. I'm not entirely sure this isn't disorder-based, but I read the message and it seems like a cutting remark toward me.

I then shy away for a while, hoping someone else will ask questions that will lead to the true intended recipient. I know I have done this, too, which makes me kick myself for being unclear in the past.


With that off my chest, I want to focus on something more important. I keep daydreaming about being in a relationship again. At times, it's almost as if I am ready to move forward in some direction or another, but weekends like this one throw me back in that confused state about who and what I want. I wonder if others go through this, too. I hate being the most indecisive person in the world.

I had thought I wanted to go down a new path with a new person. Unfortunately, he did not call me (I'm certain he'll explain on Monday). I long for traditional roles in some respect. I want to be asked out. I want someone to want to be with me and have the confidence to put himself out there.


I also have this problem with previous people I've dated. I tend to show pessimism, and people often do not realize that I am downright optimistic about people and relationships. I think I show the pessimism to not come across as one of those bubbly-minded airheads who thrive in an ignorance-is-bliss existence. I fear being seen as stupid, and those who enjoy daily life tend to fall into this category. I see all of the hardships, inaccuracies, struggles, pitfalls, hopeless causes, etc., but I struggle against them and feel incredible doing so. This is really what I want others to see; however, I don't know exactly how to demonstrate it.


Jeremy texted me about getting together, mostly to pick up two books that have somehow remained in my collection despite being his. We still find we have each other's belongings, packed away in forgotten places until now. Our lives were so deeply intertwined. I truly believed we would end up married. We'd travel the world. We'd have a family. I'd convince him to get a dog (a husky or a lab, even though he said he would only want to get a German shepherd if he were to ever give in).

He wants to get back together. I'm scared of this because I give up pieces of who I am to accommodate him. If I can learn to not sacrifice myself in the relationship, I'd consider it. If he could learn to make me the first priority in his life, I'd jump at the chance to be with him again. I am finally over resenting him because I realize that, at some point, I made the decision to give up who I am to make his life easier. That falls completely on me, and I refuse to do that again.


Anthony makes no effort to connect with me. This is both my fault and his. He has never worked at making an effort in relationships, in part because he is of the mindset that people should just want to be together or not want to be together. This passive approach has set the stage for near-complete inaction on his part with women trying to make things work over the years. We give up because we are tired of paying for everything, making all the contact, making all the plans, doing all the traveling, waiting for a thank-you, and sharing only our thoughts on the stuff that really matters in a relationship. When someone else can't open up about anything, even though he clearly feels a certain way, it's just not enough for those of us who need to hear that someone cares or worries or wants us.

He snapped at me once in public. He tried to start an argument in Schoolcraft, as we waited for him to register. I was there to lend support (both emotional and financial). He became louder and louder with me in the line. He rarely gets to this level of frustration, through simple avoidance of anything stressful in his life. I turned to him and said, "I don't have to do this for you. I can walk out right now and drive back home. Is that what you want?"

He lowered his head and said, "No."

Very few of his friends know that I paid for his first college experience. It was a birthday present. I know he feels like he should have been able to do this, but I wanted to offer a leg up to someone who did support me emotionally when I was in the middle of an actual breakdown. I have also helped him with some of his writing for class this semester. I know he is taking more pride in himself, which is good. What I didn't anticipate was the rather unsavory commentary from some of his female friends that he has let go unchecked. One, in particular, stated that I am "not good enough for him" because of how things started and he's in school now, improving himself. I don't want to shine light on his financial problems, but come on...I'm the reason he was able to attend school at all. He knows of these comments, but he has done nothing to stop them. His inaction speaks louder than words and I feel used.

He doesn't understand my reasoning on this, either. I want to be able to look past this stuff, but I can't. I'm not built that way.


The old R called again last night. He understood that I wasn't going to head over to his place to hang out at roughly three in the morning. He wanted to talk, though, and wants to get together soon. It seems like he means a real date - getting dressed up, going out - during regular dating hours. He would never commit to meaning just that, though, and I find it frustrating. I'm not even sure I should give him the time and effort after the fighting and disregard he displayed over the summer. I have an inkling that the other woman he was seeing ended things and he is trying to pursue something with the consolation prize. I am no consolation prize. I may not be thin, beautiful, and young, but I have built a somewhat enviable life. Hell, even Ian crawled out of the shadows and asked me to coffee. It wasn't necessarily an invitation on a date, but it was a chance to share the good things that are happening with me.

The new R is still becoming a friend. I feel like catapulting forward, but that would only serve to cause problems. He and I don't like dating people who aren't friends first. We don't believe in picking up a stranger at a bar and building a solid foundation for something more from that state of nothingness. It's odd to have a crush on someone at work. I usually don't feel this way about anyone I work with. People have noticed our newly-formed friendship, and one teacher knows that I like him. She stated it in plain English and I became embarrassed. I'm sure my face turned red. It's fine because I feel kinship with this other teacher for a number of reasons: she has no intention of telling my secret, we both grew up in the Westland-Livonia area and attended Livonia schools, we both attended WMU, and we have similar viewpoints of the mess created within our district. Part of me is really interested in pursuing something new with someone new. The history factor doesn't need to be anything more than it is, whereas a trip down memory lane in another direction would probably serve to confuse, irritate, or gnaw at me. I like the notion that everything would be new. Everything would be a discovery. Everything would be a fresh start.

I don't mind the age difference, either. He's about five years younger than I am, but once we all hit our mid-twenties, we are fairly grown up and realistic about life expectations. We'll see if anything develops. I could see new adventures with this person.