Me

I learned today that I have much more self-control than I thought I had. In a meeting in which I felt attacked in my teaching (by someone who has not actually witnessed my teaching and had not seen the test scores of my previous scores), I kept my cool when all I really wanted to express was my frustration. I did point out, though, that my individual students are excelling in areas the rest of the student population are not. That is when the attack on my teaching began. I was displeased with this. Sometimes, I think school administrators "create" problems to solve so that when the results come out in his or her favor, they get a pat on the back from district administration for doing such a good job. It was a stressful hour, but I maintained composure. One year ago, I don't think I could have done that.

I treated myself to Quiznos for dinner and found it most disappointing. The bread tasted and felt different, which made for a bland dinner. It wasn't disgusting, but it wasn't what I remembered it to be. The flavors seemed muted.



On the brighter side of things, my classes are going well and I am finding my teaching groove. I am pushing myself to be more active, and it is working. My feet feel significantly better with the orthotics, and I am eager to start walking and then running again. Even when I was in excruciating pain, I wanted to walk and run. I just didn't have the ability to do so. I slowed down a lot last year as the pain increased dramatically. I can't believe I put off visiting the doctor when I wasn't even able to walk through my own home to get water or food. It took an additional injury to get me to visit doctors. The universe works in mysterious ways, and I am happy that I suffered (and am still recovering) from a severe sprain this summer. It gave me a new perspective that will help me to get back in shape.

My own relationship issues over the past two years are finally becoming something I can draw from to determine future actions. I often wish that life lessons could be learned faster, but they take time to solidify. I still stare at the fork in the road. It does not leave me, even though logic has made its arguments and I understand them. I don't think I'm ready to head down any path, and perhaps that is why I still see the fork. My heart and my mind have always been in conflict, but I feel more and more that this is beginning to fade into something new. I can't quite place my finger on it, but there is something there that will take the place of what has been causing me grief.

I'm also becoming someone my friends turn to when their own lives take a turn for the worse. I used to serve in this capacity before, and after several years' hiatus, the return makes me feel strong.

I like that I am reconnecting with old friends from college and making new friends from music and other social scenes. Relationships evolve and trying to hang on to the past when the past doesn't want to be a part of my present and future is futile. My birthday celebration showed me who is important in my life now, and I guess I hadn't realized until now that my new friends accept me for who I am now and not who they think I should be. It was an odd revelation. I was saddened, at first, that some of the people I thought were my oldest and dearest friends weren't there, but during the evening it changed. I am in the process of molding a new person here, in my own skin. These newer friends genuinely want to know me as I exist now. They want to have fun and celebrate life's good moments with me. They don't comment on my dating choices. They don't make me feel like I am not living up to some standard that is impossible for me to reach. The reconnection with old friends is about the same. They are letting me be who I am now rather than who they think I should based on college experiences we shared.