I met E for coffee yesterday afternoon. He has seemed somewhat depressed lately, and when he called to talk on the phone, I suggested we meet. He liked the idea so I got ready and headed to a coffee shop in downtown Ann Arbor.
I admit I haven't been the most responsive friend over the years, and he has often commented on my pessimism and detachment. I realized last year that he was right. I don't know why, exactly, I was distant, but I was.
I didn't go to his wedding five years ago. I didn't attend his 30th birthday party two years ago. I didn't respond to his calls and emails. And there was absolutely no good reason for it. I was just a crappy friend. I was so wrapped up in my inner turmoil that I didn't feel the need to give him the attention he needed as a friend.
Some background: I met E in a student organization in college. He had started dating another group member who soon dashed his heart into a million little pieces in late 1998 or early 1999. I was friends with both of them at first, but the woman was remorseless for her actions. In fact, she gloated about the whole thing. E was a mess, so I started to spend more and more time with him to help him regain stability. The woman was his first girlfriend and her callous actions destroyed him. I just couldn't sit idly by when he so clearly needed a friend (he didn't seem to have many of those).
We were both in the creative writing program within our respective English majors, so we met regularly to share writing with each other. We stayed up all night participating in writing marathons.
I felt safe in this friendship because I had no romantic interest in him. My long-distance relationship during these months was safe.
He developed a small crush on me, but we didn't let that get in the way of our friendship. I explained to him that he was probably latching on because we were spending time together and he was healing from the broken heart. It's easy to latch on to new people when we feel despair. We kept in touch over the years, some better than others, and with him living in Ann Arbor now, I am not visiting with him enough.
Back to the present.
The tone is E's posts and writings has been depressed. I have asked him several times about it, but he has not commented. Yesterday, he agreed that it would be best to meet, and I promptly arrived at the coffee shop.
He is thinking about leaving his wife. They were always very different people, but he said that he feels as though he puts in 95-100% of the relationship work only to be met with excuses for her inaction. We spent many hours yesterday discussing what he plans to do. I let him talk and then shared with him what I heard the most...the 'not' statements. She's not doing this...She doesn't do that and so on.
They've spoken about him leaving the marriage before, so this discussion with me was a way for him to look at the scenario from a different angle...the angle that only an outsider can see.
The situation is compounded with a recent infatuation with a woman with whom he goes to school. While nothing has happened, aside from a few moments of longing looks that he cut short and headed home, he is intrigued by this new person with whom he has so much in common, so much to talk about, and such a clique-like sensation. When I asked further questions, we determined that he is hovering around the deep infatuation state and nearing the in-love state. He is completely smitten with her, but he can still control his behavior around her. He planned a birthday celebration for her (for everyone in their shared graduate program) and attended with his wife. Unfortunately, none of the other students showed, and his wife was not pleased feeling like the outsider in some bizarre date her husband was on. E said he kept trying to involve his wife in the conversation, but he was so engrossed in the discussion about topics his wife does not comprehend that it became more and more of a problem. The fact that this new woman is a good match for him lead to an argument in the car on the way home.
E doesn't know if he should try to fix the situation because he feels like he's tried to fix it before and his wife hasn't been stepping up to the plate. He also has growing feelings for someone he is attracted to (she is one of those quirky red-heads).
I told him the things he didn't want to hear, but he said because he didn't want to hear them he probably needed to hear them.
I talked about how if he left his wife and jumped into a relationship with the red-head that he would always connect her to the break-up of his marriage and that there would always be a link to the emotions he feels now. Sure, they could move beyond it over time, but E is very much like me, and I know the emotions will gnaw at him. I also told him that he needs to disregard her for the moment. He needs to focus on one issue at a time, and right now, he needs to figure out if he wants to stay in his marriage. He keeps hoping that his wife will leave him and make it easy for him, but I told him that that won't happen. She is comfortable in what they have...the routine, the comfort, the day-to-day existence.
After he establishes if he wants to try to work things out, that's when he needs to set clear deadlines by stating that he can't spend another six months, year, two years, etc. living the way they live now. If he chooses to stay and try to work it out, he needs to give it his all - not some half-assed attempt to put on a show for others. He'd have to give her (and himself) time to make changes, make mistakes, grow, and retry. He is torn between giving her more time and saying she's had enough time.
I also pointed out that he doesn't know the redhead well enough to know all of her annoying habits. He is not aware of all of the things are ARE working with his wife. Instead, he is focusing on what is lacking and he is letting the redhead pick up the slack on those things. This is not to say that they (E and the redhead) wouldn't work out, but he is not seeing the whole picture. I didn't see the whole picture in 2009. I can only move forward now with the new knowledge I have gained.
I suggested that if he wants to stay and fix things, he needs to consult with someone who is practiced in guiding people through these issues.
We talked about what sex means to couples, especially after the types of conversations he's been having with his wife. For him, there is that element of wanting to feel good and the notion of This could be the last time. A female perspective, though, is more centered on He shared his worries with me and now we are closer emotionally and physically.
When his wife arrived to pick him up (he didn't feel like walking home in the pouring rain), I asked if I should head over to the car and say 'Hello' so that she realizes I am not some woman he is interested in. He said that was a good idea. She and I exchanged pleasantries for a few minutes before I walked to the Law Quadrangle on the U of M campus. Despite the cold rain, I felt calm and comfortable. The lights were reflecting in the puddles on the walkways. A couple of being photographed in an archway on their wedding day. Campus tours were in full swing. The world felt alive around me, and I felt it, too.
As I walked, I thought about the path I have taken. My ability to look at other's problems helps me to understand my own. I am still traveling, staring at a fork in the road. I am still weighing options. I keep choosing a direction and then turn around to return to the choice again. I am still trying to make myself happy, but I keep looking to others to make me happy. I am still flawed. I am still feeling too many emotions.
E had said that despite not being married, I went through a divorce in 2009. I agree with him. If we had been married, separating stuff would have been much easier, though. E keeps focusing on the future happiness he might feel, whereas I keep looking to the past to determine the future happiness I might feel.
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