I feel alone today. I woke and quickly left to set up concert equipment at the theater. I have to return at two for call. My concert is at three.
I really don't care much about it, to be honest.
I don't care about grading assignments for my students. I don't care about the meetings, the lesson plans, the extra curricular activities...
The overwhelming loneliness makes me want to get together with any of the men with whom I've been interacting.
Jeremy wants us back together...with some changes I know I can't follow through on, even though I know that I'd have to for my own sake.
Tony says he wants more, and he is finally started to act like it. The problem is that when I have to say no when I really don't want to, he continues with his plan and then posts something about meeting some other woman. I had a panic attack last night. I was able to get myself under control, but he knew about it because I turned to him during it. I really didn't need to see his post today. I wasn't feeling ultra great today to begin with, so his disregard for my feelings makes me resent him. I know it's just par for the course and I should be expecting these things by now.
I think I made the mistake of talking up his good points for so long. I really poured on the negatives in Jeremy's case. Tony has plenty of his own. I suppose I wanted to live in denial just a tad longer.
At 12:30 a.m., I received a phone call from R. I didn't respond (because I was asleep and didn't know I received a message), so he called an hour later. I remember talking to him, but I was very tired and very confused. I've told him that his calls are too late, and I will not field them anymore. He didn't do much to make me feel better. He wanted me to get up and head to his place to hang out (which consists of kissing and then him pressuring me to do more...he gets a bit frustrated because I am not the type to back down when pressured). I haven't seen him in person since June because of this nonsense. Why is he still doing this? We've fought, decided not to speak, spoken again, become friends again, and now this? It's all eating away at me. I am not about to jump into some secret relationship or, even, a public one that puts me in a position to feel like I have to give up anything. F that.
Yesterday, I talked to New R. He had told me he probably wouldn't see me at all on Friday, but he still made time to do so. It was great. We talk about our individual plans for the weekends, and it keeps getting closer to invitations out. I see how it is progressing, and while I am patting myself on the back for "being patient" and seeing each stage in the process, I am also kicking myself for not making things happen sooner. I want this friendship, most of all, so I need to allow time to nurture that. If there is more there, then great. If not, then great. We both had planned to hang out with our respective friends this weekend, so we didn't suggest getting together - it might be awkward to introduce someone of the opposite sex as a friend to other friends. Those moments can be odd because there is always an assumption of something more. It wouldn't be the right time to bring around a new friend...costumes, craziness, and all.
There I go again, creating a set of rules that only serve to limit me.
There are already some minor things I notice about this man...he says Fords instead of Ford. It doesn't sound alarm bells, but it's still there. He's 26, which doesn't necessarily make me feel old, but it makes me feel like he would think of me as being older in a negative sense.
I guess I'm just looking for someone to listen to me lately. I really don't have anyone anymore.
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