I'm too busy for a boyfriend, and for the first time since February 2009, I feel like I might actually want one. While this new-found loneliness makes me focus on what I don't have, it feels healthy. Our natural inclination is to find a mate. I am still not entirely sure if I am supposed to seek something new with someone new or seek something new with someone from my past. I am just sort of rolling with the punches, so to speak.
J is hoping for reconciliation. Most of me is, too. The trouble is that I would not be able to have further contact with A. I also fear that returning to the relationship would prompt a return to who J became during the course of our relationship. Our separation helped him regain who he used to be. I was left a broken mess for a long time. Many of my friends didn't want to listen at some point, and I learned who my true friends are. Real friends don't abandon you when your world comes crashing down. Real friends stick it out because they genuinely care about supporting you - not when you are eventually stop rehashing the same issue. And as much as some of my friends don't think J is right for me, he was there, doing everything in his power to help me when the rest of you weren't. Even though he knew that we might never work out in the end, he couldn't bear to see me falling apart. He picked me up, emotionally and physically (in those moments of complete despair that could have easily ended differently).
A makes no effort. All the work has always been on my end, except for the initial move to get me to leave J. The relationship type stuff has fallen on my shoulders. I truly understand why his former girlfriends left him, including the one who spent years destroying his self esteem. He's explained that he doesn't like questions or opening up. What woman would be comfortable with never hearing how special she is? What woman would put up with someone who doesn't feel the need to share or explain anything? I refuse to spend the rest of my life sitting on a couch watching TV to block out emotional connection. With that said, I don't doubt his feelings for me. Not in the least. I just think he didn't pick up on how good relationships work - he had no family model to work from, nor did he watch his friends' relationships for this information. I hate to think that he is a lost cause, because no one is, but it's starting to feel that way.
R - the one I've been referring to as "C" or "the Cat" - doesn't show much promise. I've known him forever, and while the notion of dating him isn't out of the realm of possibility, the crap isn't worth it. He pressured me for sex at one point - not his smartest move - but he said he understood why we wouldn't be going anywhere near there. He continues with hot-and-cold communication, and I don't like the implication that because I won't head over to his place in the middle of the night he will not even be my friend. Over the past couple of years, he has been incredibly supportive and kind. Unfortunately, he was a better friend than anything else he could have been. The thing that really upset me is that he didn't want any mutual friends to know that we were seeing each other. He did tell one mutual friend through Facebook, but as soon as he did, things went south. He ignored calls. He was rude on the phone when he did take calls. He started seeing someone else (which is fine because the casual dating scene allows that). He rarely made plans with me, but became upset when I made plans with others (not even dates). When he did make plans, they were at the last possible minute, usually in the middle of the night. I should never be an afterthought in my own relationship, right? Right.
The new R is no one I'm dating. I'm interested in dating him, but he and I both don't date people who are strangers. I'm enjoying becoming his friend, and if nothing more happens, I'll still be happy. He's nice to talk to. He's hardworking. He's determined to have a better life than what he has right now. Plus, he knows how to clean. We've known each other for a month-and-a-half, and I think we are well on our way toward a good friendship if nothing else.
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