I love

I love open windows, open doors, clean clothes, clean floors, disinfected kitchens, disinfected bathrooms, socks with toes, hepa filters in vacuum cleaners, new office supplies, sunsets, patio stones, fireplaces, potatoes, ranch dressing with mild cheddar and raisins, ironing clothes, tending to plants, falling leaves, writing, playing music, candles, kissing, long skirts, flirting, books, small spaces, and so much more.

Thinking of the world in positive terms is so much easier now than it used to be. I struggled to enjoy things. I kind of wish that some people could see me now. I kind of like that they don't. I feel grounded in something wonderful.


I think I will steam clean carpeting in another section of my home this evening. I will work on the flowerbeds tomorrow after work.

Sunshine

Sunshine doesn't hurt my eyes like it used to. In fact, my eyes rest wide open when the sunshine is the strongest. What an amazing sensation!

So...

So, I like him. What does this mean? What does this mean?

Grrr.

I let my negative emotions rise to the surface a little today.

This did not take place at work. This was at rehearsal. I am tired of carrying the weight (physical weight of percussion instruments) up and down the stairs without other members of my section helping. After snapping at two of them, I immediately felt remorse. The irritation and anger was truly unnecessary, but I felt fed up. I don't typically feel this way, so the emotions struck me as odd.

No Title

Drew asked me why I seem so happy lately. I responded with a quick, "I'm usually this happy."

He didn't seem to buy it, even though it's the truth. Drew and I have been colleagues and friends for over four years now, and his observation gave me pause to think about who I am at work.

I don't remember being miserable at work. Sure, it's a taxing job that wears one down over time, but I've never been an angry person at work. Stressed at times, sure, but never downright pessimistic. With friends, I could be. I could share my displeasure or irritation with the system over a drink. I could use that as a backdrop to complain about my life because I had many things going on that should not have been going on.


I must not have been showing my hope and optimism for some time. Drew wasn't at my school last year, having been shifted to the middle school due to seniority (I am just ahead of him on the seniority list - I signed my contract one hour before he did back in 2006.). He saw the beginning of the unraveling process the school year before when my life was not under complete control, but we didn't see each other much all last year. He didn't see how I finally broke free from the anger, frustration, pain, and other emotions that were gnawing at me. He didn't see me start to take better care of myself and get the vitamins I needed daily to correct some physiological issues that had resulted in some major health issues, both on the physical and mental levels.

I think he doesn't have a context for me now. He's surprised by my smile and frequent laughter, even though I didn't avoid these things before. I just used them more in the classroom with my students rather than with my colleagues during lunch breaks.

We are jovial in the workplace, which makes me feel connected to my peers.

I sometimes wonder what a night out with some old friends would be like, but then I remember that they are part of my past and would probably have no context for me now. They might see my behavior as an act rather than the current status quo, just as a few did when I started to let myself feel cheerful again.

Oh, and today I think I gave some "bad" advice to a friend. He had asked for advice twice, and he didn't like the direction I went the first time around, so I offered him the advice he wanted to hear. Of course, there was a disclaimer that I was simply playing devil's advocate because he didn't want to head down the opposite path and had asked again. My advice is never in the form of what someone should do. It's more of a possible (realistic) sequence of events that could result from the behavior someone else suggests. I am very good at mapping cause-and-effect scenarios.

German-American Day

My first hour German 1 celebration today was great fun. Students brought in food and we talked, watched videos, and sang traditional Bavarian (drinking) songs. My students were in such a good mood, and I was definitely feeling the same vibe.

Most of my classes were wonderful today. I have solved some mysteries I had with my third hour, and I think that the class behavior will improve over the next week or so.

Me

I learned today that I have much more self-control than I thought I had. In a meeting in which I felt attacked in my teaching (by someone who has not actually witnessed my teaching and had not seen the test scores of my previous scores), I kept my cool when all I really wanted to express was my frustration. I did point out, though, that my individual students are excelling in areas the rest of the student population are not. That is when the attack on my teaching began. I was displeased with this. Sometimes, I think school administrators "create" problems to solve so that when the results come out in his or her favor, they get a pat on the back from district administration for doing such a good job. It was a stressful hour, but I maintained composure. One year ago, I don't think I could have done that.

I treated myself to Quiznos for dinner and found it most disappointing. The bread tasted and felt different, which made for a bland dinner. It wasn't disgusting, but it wasn't what I remembered it to be. The flavors seemed muted.



On the brighter side of things, my classes are going well and I am finding my teaching groove. I am pushing myself to be more active, and it is working. My feet feel significantly better with the orthotics, and I am eager to start walking and then running again. Even when I was in excruciating pain, I wanted to walk and run. I just didn't have the ability to do so. I slowed down a lot last year as the pain increased dramatically. I can't believe I put off visiting the doctor when I wasn't even able to walk through my own home to get water or food. It took an additional injury to get me to visit doctors. The universe works in mysterious ways, and I am happy that I suffered (and am still recovering) from a severe sprain this summer. It gave me a new perspective that will help me to get back in shape.

My own relationship issues over the past two years are finally becoming something I can draw from to determine future actions. I often wish that life lessons could be learned faster, but they take time to solidify. I still stare at the fork in the road. It does not leave me, even though logic has made its arguments and I understand them. I don't think I'm ready to head down any path, and perhaps that is why I still see the fork. My heart and my mind have always been in conflict, but I feel more and more that this is beginning to fade into something new. I can't quite place my finger on it, but there is something there that will take the place of what has been causing me grief.

I'm also becoming someone my friends turn to when their own lives take a turn for the worse. I used to serve in this capacity before, and after several years' hiatus, the return makes me feel strong.

I like that I am reconnecting with old friends from college and making new friends from music and other social scenes. Relationships evolve and trying to hang on to the past when the past doesn't want to be a part of my present and future is futile. My birthday celebration showed me who is important in my life now, and I guess I hadn't realized until now that my new friends accept me for who I am now and not who they think I should be. It was an odd revelation. I was saddened, at first, that some of the people I thought were my oldest and dearest friends weren't there, but during the evening it changed. I am in the process of molding a new person here, in my own skin. These newer friends genuinely want to know me as I exist now. They want to have fun and celebrate life's good moments with me. They don't comment on my dating choices. They don't make me feel like I am not living up to some standard that is impossible for me to reach. The reconnection with old friends is about the same. They are letting me be who I am now rather than who they think I should based on college experiences we shared.

The Paths We Take

I met E for coffee yesterday afternoon. He has seemed somewhat depressed lately, and when he called to talk on the phone, I suggested we meet. He liked the idea so I got ready and headed to a coffee shop in downtown Ann Arbor.

I admit I haven't been the most responsive friend over the years, and he has often commented on my pessimism and detachment. I realized last year that he was right. I don't know why, exactly, I was distant, but I was.

I didn't go to his wedding five years ago. I didn't attend his 30th birthday party two years ago. I didn't respond to his calls and emails. And there was absolutely no good reason for it. I was just a crappy friend. I was so wrapped up in my inner turmoil that I didn't feel the need to give him the attention he needed as a friend.


Some background: I met E in a student organization in college. He had started dating another group member who soon dashed his heart into a million little pieces in late 1998 or early 1999. I was friends with both of them at first, but the woman was remorseless for her actions. In fact, she gloated about the whole thing. E was a mess, so I started to spend more and more time with him to help him regain stability. The woman was his first girlfriend and her callous actions destroyed him. I just couldn't sit idly by when he so clearly needed a friend (he didn't seem to have many of those).

We were both in the creative writing program within our respective English majors, so we met regularly to share writing with each other. We stayed up all night participating in writing marathons.

I felt safe in this friendship because I had no romantic interest in him. My long-distance relationship during these months was safe.

He developed a small crush on me, but we didn't let that get in the way of our friendship. I explained to him that he was probably latching on because we were spending time together and he was healing from the broken heart. It's easy to latch on to new people when we feel despair. We kept in touch over the years, some better than others, and with him living in Ann Arbor now, I am not visiting with him enough.

Back to the present.

The tone is E's posts and writings has been depressed. I have asked him several times about it, but he has not commented. Yesterday, he agreed that it would be best to meet, and I promptly arrived at the coffee shop.

He is thinking about leaving his wife. They were always very different people, but he said that he feels as though he puts in 95-100% of the relationship work only to be met with excuses for her inaction. We spent many hours yesterday discussing what he plans to do. I let him talk and then shared with him what I heard the most...the 'not' statements. She's not doing this...She doesn't do that and so on.

They've spoken about him leaving the marriage before, so this discussion with me was a way for him to look at the scenario from a different angle...the angle that only an outsider can see.

The situation is compounded with a recent infatuation with a woman with whom he goes to school. While nothing has happened, aside from a few moments of longing looks that he cut short and headed home, he is intrigued by this new person with whom he has so much in common, so much to talk about, and such a clique-like sensation. When I asked further questions, we determined that he is hovering around the deep infatuation state and nearing the in-love state. He is completely smitten with her, but he can still control his behavior around her. He planned a birthday celebration for her (for everyone in their shared graduate program) and attended with his wife. Unfortunately, none of the other students showed, and his wife was not pleased feeling like the outsider in some bizarre date her husband was on. E said he kept trying to involve his wife in the conversation, but he was so engrossed in the discussion about topics his wife does not comprehend that it became more and more of a problem. The fact that this new woman is a good match for him lead to an argument in the car on the way home.

E doesn't know if he should try to fix the situation because he feels like he's tried to fix it before and his wife hasn't been stepping up to the plate. He also has growing feelings for someone he is attracted to (she is one of those quirky red-heads).

I told him the things he didn't want to hear, but he said because he didn't want to hear them he probably needed to hear them.

I talked about how if he left his wife and jumped into a relationship with the red-head that he would always connect her to the break-up of his marriage and that there would always be a link to the emotions he feels now. Sure, they could move beyond it over time, but E is very much like me, and I know the emotions will gnaw at him. I also told him that he needs to disregard her for the moment. He needs to focus on one issue at a time, and right now, he needs to figure out if he wants to stay in his marriage. He keeps hoping that his wife will leave him and make it easy for him, but I told him that that won't happen. She is comfortable in what they have...the routine, the comfort, the day-to-day existence.

After he establishes if he wants to try to work things out, that's when he needs to set clear deadlines by stating that he can't spend another six months, year, two years, etc. living the way they live now. If he chooses to stay and try to work it out, he needs to give it his all - not some half-assed attempt to put on a show for others. He'd have to give her (and himself) time to make changes, make mistakes, grow, and retry. He is torn between giving her more time and saying she's had enough time.

I also pointed out that he doesn't know the redhead well enough to know all of her annoying habits. He is not aware of all of the things are ARE working with his wife. Instead, he is focusing on what is lacking and he is letting the redhead pick up the slack on those things. This is not to say that they (E and the redhead) wouldn't work out, but he is not seeing the whole picture. I didn't see the whole picture in 2009. I can only move forward now with the new knowledge I have gained.

I suggested that if he wants to stay and fix things, he needs to consult with someone who is practiced in guiding people through these issues.


We talked about what sex means to couples, especially after the types of conversations he's been having with his wife. For him, there is that element of wanting to feel good and the notion of This could be the last time. A female perspective, though, is more centered on He shared his worries with me and now we are closer emotionally and physically.

When his wife arrived to pick him up (he didn't feel like walking home in the pouring rain), I asked if I should head over to the car and say 'Hello' so that she realizes I am not some woman he is interested in. He said that was a good idea. She and I exchanged pleasantries for a few minutes before I walked to the Law Quadrangle on the U of M campus. Despite the cold rain, I felt calm and comfortable. The lights were reflecting in the puddles on the walkways. A couple of being photographed in an archway on their wedding day. Campus tours were in full swing. The world felt alive around me, and I felt it, too.

As I walked, I thought about the path I have taken. My ability to look at other's problems helps me to understand my own. I am still traveling, staring at a fork in the road. I am still weighing options. I keep choosing a direction and then turn around to return to the choice again. I am still trying to make myself happy, but I keep looking to others to make me happy. I am still flawed. I am still feeling too many emotions.

E had said that despite not being married, I went through a divorce in 2009. I agree with him. If we had been married, separating stuff would have been much easier, though. E keeps focusing on the future happiness he might feel, whereas I keep looking to the past to determine the future happiness I might feel.

Happy Birthday!

On Friday, I celebrated my 30th birthday. I toyed with ideas for far longer than I should have, but I settled on a nice dinner and drinks night out with friends and family. This event really allowed me to see who is and who is not currently my friend because it is sometimes difficult to gauge when I have so many people I interact with online on Facebook.

I have noticed some people trailing off in their own directions. These are people who used to be deeply involved in my life. Unfortunately, they either don't care or don't have the time to even wish me well on my birthday. I suppose birthdays (especially those of significance) just make things clearer. I'm not upset about it at all, though. It's just the way social groups work. The dynamic of any group changes over time.


The majority of people who showed up are my newer friends, friends from fun evenings out. Friends from the music scene. Friends who have spent a great deal of time trying to get to know who I am now rather than who I used to be. Even my cousin and his wife see who I am now and commented on how much happier I seem. My cousin is my age, and we grew up visiting often. I know about his struggles with married life (not that there are a lot to speak of), and he knows about all of the issues I faced in my own relationships. The last few years have been more distant because it's not easy to find time to visit...or, rather, we don't make the effort our parents did when we were younger. This is something to fix because we've always been close, and I hate that I don't feel as close anymore. I think I needed to fix a lot within myself, though, which is happening.

Some of the others who showed up are very recent friends. When I was seeing Tony last year, I became friends with his friends. This wasn't a shock to me, but it surprises me that they are still my friends. Tony was even surprised that a one, in particular, showed up to my celebration because he rarely even shows up for Tony's events.

It's wonderful to feel as though I'm not an obligation because I am connected to someone else.

A few friends brought cards and small gifts. It was totally unnecessary and very sweet of them. I need to send thank-yous. Autumn made me a card and there was no profanity on it...I handed it to her and told her that it was missing her creative input. She promptly added the F-word inside.

I can't tell if my parents are happy or sad to see that I am now the practical daughter again. When I was most depressed, I asked for more extravagant things. It was nice to ask for a ladder and hear them chuckle at my down-to-earth, I-need-this gift idea. I also suggested a cheap electric weed-whipper for my tiny backyard. As I told them, I am trying to eliminate the years of dysfunction that has taken over everything, and that includes purging clothing, toys, books, trinkets, papers, etc. from my home. Perhaps next year, I should have a birthday give-away event in which my friends and family will select tagged items in my home and remove them for free.

My birthday celebration guests (Mom, Dad, Autumn, Christine, Uncle Gary, Aunt Sandy, Terri, John, Flavia, Theodore, Marco, Simmi, Rob M., Monica, and Tony) bought me dinner and drinks. At the end, Tony and Theodore seemed to be waiting each other out for the fictitious title of Last Guest Partying.

All-in-all, I had a good birthday. My students were well-behaved on Friday (as they usually are), and getting dolled up in a fancy silver and black dress, new shoes, and newer jewelry to head out for a night made it a wonderful day.

One Week

One week to go before I turn thirty. A few people have asked me if I am excited or sad. Mostly, I feel indifferent. I had thought that I would plan some big party or night out to celebrate, but it really doesn't seem necessary at this point. I don't really care, and I know others don't really care, either.

J called to ask what my plans are. I told him I had planned to hang out with friends. He wanted me to cancel my plans and spend my birthday with him. He thought I was choosing one person, in particular, over him because of past events. I explained that I know he isn't too fond of many of my friends because they are people who are truly comfortable with themselves - something he is not - and my old group of friends is a unique band of misfits who march to the beat of a very different drummer. Part of me wanted to give in and spend my birthday with J, but another part wanted to be regarded as independent and acting on my own accord.

At this point, I could go out with people or just sit alone at home. I honestly don't care. "C" asked when my birthday is, and I told him he should look at my profile and show some interest. He commented, playfully - but not completely playfully, that he'd already lost interest by the time I finished that statement. It's an awful thing to say to someone you have been seeing. Perhaps I should just stop interacting with him altogether. It might just boost my self esteem.

MA Project

I am not motivated to complete my project for my MA. This is the final step for graduation and a pay raise at work. I think I am not very motivated because we all had to accept last year's pay and I am not earning what my colleagues in other districts are earning. It's difficult to want to do more work to not have it be reflected in my pay immediately.

I think I shall force myself to complete my annotated bibliography tonight. I need to get moving on something.

New classes

My teaching schedule was revised yesterday. I now have German 1, two sections of Honors English 9, and two sections of regular English 9. Overall, I think I will feel much happier and less stressed. The four different preps were overwhelming, especially since one of them consisted of created individual (daily) lesson plans for each the 22 students in that class.

I washed my car today. It had been quite some time since I last washed it, and I've been driving on dirt roads a bit lately to avoid some of the most annoying traffic pile-ups around here. I have finally started to organize student work into manageable piles. I have no intention of grading work tonight, but I am ready to hit the ground running tomorrow before my staff meeting at 6:40 a.m.

What Doesn't Feel Right

I miss him. I miss him when I wake up. I miss him when I can't share my day with him. I miss him when I'm climbing into bed. I even miss him when I'm sleeping.

And something I learned today...he misses me, too, in all of these same moments.

It both pleases me and saddens me. I don't know where to go from here. I don't know if there is anywhere to go. I thought I was making the right choice before, but it doesn't feel right anymore.

ONE

A cold has invaded the life I wanted to live this weekend. At the same time, I am pleased that I was forced to rest the way I needed to rest. I've been stressed, and that has allowed negative thoughts to take over from time to time. I keep experiencing those less-than-stellar moments in the form of depression, weariness, and a general dissatisfaction with the current circumstances of my life. This probably doesn't sound all that different from what people may remember of me the last time we hung out. Truth be told, I spent several years feeling very much like I feel in this exact moment.

It's unwelcome now. I had one of those shifts in thinking that most people try to have. I've been happier. I've accepted some of the situations I cannot change and changed the ones I can. The trouble is that in this moment right now, I lack positive coping skills. I feel unhappy, unhealthy (I have a nasal infection), and completely worthless.

The friends I returned to when I moved back to southeast Michigan really aren't there. Sure, Melissa is still around, but she is married now and is making sure to build a solid union. Maureen and I no longer speak. I feel used because she put me through hell just being in her wedding and then she cut me out of her life afterward. While she recognized that we had grown apart, she failed to see that she was absolutely terrible with her demands (many brides are blind to their attitudes). When I wouldn't comply with everything, she painted me as a troublesome bridesmaid and must have chalked it up to stinginess...never acknowledging that I contributed a great deal of money (dress, shoes, bridal shower gift (several items), bachelorette party payment ($150), bachelorette party gift (check), wedding gift (a check), and I was present for everything I could be that didn't conflict with school or work (I became evil, I guess, when she had wanted me to skip a class one evening for one of her bridal gown fittings). I know brides get crazy and fail to see that what they are preparing for is a special day and life with their spouses, but I thought she had more sense than that. She did make the remark that it was her day on more than one occasion. I suppose I didn't want to see how selfish everyone else had told me she was since we were young. When her aunt was rude to me, I told her about it. Instead of jumping to my defense, I had to try to explain it to her again. She initially wanted me to just take it because she has to put up with her aunt after the entire event is over. I have never let my relatives (including one of my own aunts) treat someone I care about in such a manner. She did eventually fight that battle because she must have realized that something wrong had occurred.

I attended her barbeque (that I had been invited to). I was as pleasant as I could be with a recent injury and excruciating pain. I tried to strike up conversation, but she was cold and gave me the silent treatment for most of the visit. Had I known that she just wanted to be rude to me like that, especially in front of others, I would not have wasted the gas to drive there. I was hurt and angry by the time I left.

After that event and without discussion, she removed me from her list of friends on Facebook. I later received a book she had borrowed and a frame to replace the one her friend had stolen from me at her wedding. Yes, her friend. I don't want to say who, but I saw this woman take it from my collection of items as I was preparing to leave the wedding reception. The enclosed letter placed blame on me and stated a polite good-bye.

I suppose it should be a relief, but it's one of those situations that I wanted to resolve before we parted ways. I didn't get the opportunity to resolve anything with an old friend Mike a couple of years ago, either, but that was an entirely different scenario. Mike and I were instantly close friends in college. The rules we had for almost every other person did not apply to each other, and he and I became close very quickly. He was rational but fun.

The last several months of the friendship were strained. We would be closer then distant...closer then distant. We started to not see eye-to-eye, and there was this building tension and irritation that we couldn't quite understand. He walked out of my life by sending me an email that sounds suspiciously like one of his songs. I still miss him. He failed to see I was in distress even when I told him I was in distress. He didn't know how to deal with it. He just saw an opportunity to not deal with me anymore.

I fucked up my relationship with Jeremy. I fucked up any possible relationship with Tony. I caught someone else's attention, but the whole thing would be fucked up, so why truly bother with it? Someone else keeps asking me out, and I am not interested. I am trying really hard not to dash his little heart into pieces, but I feel like doing just that so that people will leave me the fuck alone so I can lick my wounds in peace.

I feel like I hate everything today. Only one person has really asked me how I am doing this week. ONE. I am miserable.

I think I am going to stop being the person everyone else comes to for help. They can all go fuck themselves. They offer me nothing in return, even in the rare moment I need something.

fireplace

I want one day to burn all of my bad memories in my fireplace.

Every extra helping of junk food.
Every insult or curse from a student.
Every moment I felt I wasn't good enough.
Every chance I had to make other people happy and didn't.
Every time I felt conflicted and settled on nothing.
Every time I was quick to anger.
Every time I didn't measure up to someone's high expectations of me.
Every instance in which I failed my own tests.
Every dirty look..
or passing judgment...
or rude remark from people who don't care enough to ask.
Every extra box of stuff I truly don't need but won't part with.
All of my baggage.
Each of my missed chances that would have lead to a happy adulthood.
Every moment of feeling stupid.
Every moment of knowing more than others and not being able to convince them of the truth.
Every moment I didn't feel what I was supposed to feel.
Every moment I felt something and said nothing.
Giving up on people.
Believing in the wrong people.
Being lazy.
Lacking true compassion when others needed for me to understand and support.

Foot massage, please.

The start of this school has been stressful. The kids have been wonderful up to this point, but that may change soon. We are about to (as stupid as this is) change schedules to accommodate more teachers being added to the schools. This is great to lower class numbers, but I feel as though I am already accustomed to the hordes of students who enter my room each hour. I'd rather keep things the way they are, but I certainly can understand the plight of other teachers who may have over forty students per class.

I have yet to grade a number of items for students. I am exhausted by the end of the work day, and whenever I am able, I take a nap. My body is not getting enough rest at night, unfortunately. Waking at five seems to go against nature, as the sun is not even considering rising at that hour.


I stopped by the grocery store today after work. I bought (Strawberry Acai) Smirnoff Ice - a rarity for me. I rarely drink, but part of me was craving something sweet and alcoholic. I had one with dinner and opened another only to fall asleep on the couch for several hours. I was surprised. When I awoke in the dark living room, I was disoriented and felt mild kidney pain. I followed up with water, but it might be a long night for me. It seems a strong lesson for something so minor.

It's an even stronger lesson on the budget front. I had actually only visited the store to replace make-up I had dropped and broken on my bathroom floor this morning. I realized I was doomed when I couldn't resist the watermelon I passed as I entered the store. Then it was on to apples, carrots, and fancy bread. I bought pudding...another out-of-character selection. I was buying walnuts and pecans from the baking aisle, and there it was...cotton candy flavored pudding. It was on sale, too, so how could I resist? It turns out that it's really not that impressive. Boo, Kroger, boo!

I didn't grade anything I had set out to grade. I'm not complaining; I did get an evening to sleep. I just don't know how to stop feeling so behind with work.

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High School American Literature Documentary

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Fall

I refuse to keep trying to pursue the different men in my life. I'm done.

I may still take the phone calls, but I am not opening myself up to further heartache and misunderstandings. I may still choose to hang out with these people, but I am really bothered by the fact that they appear to believe that women should pursue men and that they have no responsibility in this.

If someone wants to establish a connection with me that takes place outside of the bedroom or late night drinking binges or beyond having me pay for absolutely everything (and having me drive all the miles to get together), then perhaps I will consider being a part of that. Until then, I am going to focus on my responsibilities for work and all the fun stuff.

This fall:

I am teaching English 9 - Credit Recovery, English (Honors) 9, English 11, and German 1. It's going to be stressful, but I am going to think about it as though it's a challenge that will showcase my talent as an educator.

I am still going to be a very active participant in band (both as a musician and as a publicist).

I am assisting another community band with a performance this month, so I have extra rehearsal nights.

The ukulele group meets once a month, and I have decided that I will make a better effort to supply music and show up regularly.

I am seriously considering a ballroom dance class offered in a nearby town on Wednesday nights (beginning this week). I need the physical activity, and I hope this will bring about a new friend base that will allow me to move on from those people who have made it clear, through words and/or actions that they do not value me. If nothing else, though, I will learn some new moves.

I am going to do more photography when the mood strikes - probably at farmer's markets and all kinds of fall festivals.

I plan to travel more (now that I don't feel so afraid of the world). I want to take road trips with friends. I want to go alone. I want to feel as though I can just decide on a whim to take on a new adventure.

Another friend and I are seriously considering teaching in Europe next year. I have found some useful information, and I think we might be able to do it. I just need to set this in motion now. If I decide to not do it, that is completely my choice; I don't know what the circumstances of my life might be in one year.

I am already writing more, which is the direction I want to go.

I turn 30 in October. I am trying to decide what I want to do so that I can invite friends. By the weekend, I should have a solid idea. I already bought a dress for myself. It feels like the kind of birthday that I need to dress up. If no one can come, I suppose that's fine. I will just go to my favorite place in Ann Arbor and soak in the evening. I do think that M will come. This would be a good chance for him to meet new people since he doesn't know a lot of people here. Maybe Mike A., although he did mention he'd be out of town the following day. Maybe some other friends need a nice night out.

I will go to a cider mill this year, probably the Franklin Cider Mill. It was a childhood tradition that returned a few years ago when a family friend came back to Michigan to visit. He could not have been happier to go there. I have continued to go there, partly because it's nice to keep such traditions alive and partly because I feel like I can reconnect with the child I used to be.

Kathy

My friend Kathy lost her mom this morning. I feel so sad for her. I wish I knew what to say to people in those moments. I express my condolences, etc., but it just seems too small an effort.

Her mom had borrowed her vehicle (a Jeep that Kathy has claimed on many occasions is the unluckiest Jeep in the world). She ended up hitting a tree and was going through bouts of surgery. Unfortunately, she did not regain consciousness after her surgery. Earlier this week, Kathy said that it was going to be a long road until she recovered, but her progress looked promising.

Rediscovered!

I have found so many things I thought that I had lost for good today, among them a necklace from Iran (from family friends), teaching materials, and a high school friend's music (recorded on audio cassette).

I found my nice diamond earrings yesterday while digging through a drawer in my living room.

I found gifts from former students who wanted to help build the cultural component of my German classroom years back.

So many things are returning to me. It makes me re-evaluate circumstances in my life.


The music was a great find. The friend was a musician through-and-through. He has always had this undeniable natural talent, and unfortunately, that has fallen by the wayside over the years. He didn't even have a recording of these two particular pieces (they are not songs as they have no lyrics). I found an old Sony radio with a cassette deck and played them. It took me back. After learning that the music tape was still of good quality, I recorded the music on my iPhone and emailed him the files (he, randomly enough, was online when I was online - a rare occurrence).

Sometimes the universe lines up and lets us have those moments and objects that serve to reconnect us.