1408

Has anybody seen 1408 yet? I am considering going to see it and I'd love to read your thoughts about the movie.

Summer Lish

To whom it may concern - you know who you are...

The reason I surround myself with interesting (and often tragically flawed) people is that I am often afraid to just go out and live. I'd rather live vicariously through someone who does not have that little voice in his/her head that tells him/her to worry about the consequences. I like being the reliable one. I like being the responsible one. I fear making mistakes.

But then, we introduce alcohol, and there I am - stumbling alongside the wild ones, relying on others to make sure I get home. Thank you to those who look out for me.

I think this summer may surprise you yet. I choose to throw caution to the wind. I choose to laugh openly, drink wildly, and be that person Jesse and Mike spend time with. ReeNee and Beck see contemplative drunk Lish. I don't like her, do you? She's boring and whiny.

I choose to show the one-and-a-half beer Lish. She likes to wear feather boas and sing karaoke and dance like no one's watching and flash her fiance and make jokes and flirt and do yoga and put her hair in pigtails and ogle men and be outgoing and not apologize for poor grammar and foul language. Now, who wants to buy this Lish her next drink?

Dentist Appointment = Good Day

So, I went to the dentist, after not having gone in a very long time. Guess what!?!

NO CAVITIES!!!

I shouldn't be that surprised; I am meticulous with my teeth. I floss (using dental tape, which is WAY better for your gums) at least once per day, and I brush frequently. I was complimented on the condition of my teeth. On the other hand, three of my fillings need to be replaced, as they should have worn out years ago, so I made an appointment for next week to have them redone. There are small gaps between my fillings and the teeth, which is normal after time, but there is no damage. Now I am hoping my recurring dream of losing teeth will stop. I doubt it, though, as I believe that is symbolic of something else.

Afterward, I had lunch with my dad. Today was a really good day. I should have more of these.

Tomorrow may prove to be a good day, too. Jeremy may be coming home for a few days, and I have a concert.

Saving my blog

I made a (drunken) promise to Mike last night (this morning?) that I would not spend my weekend analyzing my life again. So...this is basically my placeholder. Ann Arbor was the place to be, as usual. Great drinks! Great conversation! The greatest company!!!

Questions from alcohol

I've been thinking about my interactions with alcohol these past six months. I over-analyze everything. Some of the more recent discussions and actions have left me questioning myself. These are not to any one person but many from months of being too drunk to drive home, etc. You figure which question is to whom. And then, feel free to answer...if you're feeling up to it.

Do we ever voice our lingering thoughts after drinking too much?
What did you mean you and your wife live totally separate lives?
Why would you tell me that?
Did we only get along because we both had been drinking?
Do you remember everything we talked about?
Why do you think that more alcohol will increase your chances?
Why can't you ever remember that I am engaged?
Do you remember anything we talked about?
Do you want to remember everything you said and everything I said?
Is there anything better than Riesling?
Was I overstepping boundaries?
Why do you keep trying to put your arm around me?
Do I fucking look interested?
What did it all mean?
Did we reach a new peace?
Did we connect like we used to?
Why was your hand on my back?
Did you forgive me in that moment?
What did it mean to you?
Would you want to talk again?
Did we say everything?
Do you understand me now?
How did we used to do this for so many hours?
Do you hate me?
Do you think less of me?
Do you think more of me?
Do you truly understand that hatred is not something that could ever exist from me to you?
Who am I to you now?
Can't you see the damned rock on my hand?
Why did I feel the way I did?
Was I trying to prove something?
Were you trying to prove something?
Are we competing?
What am I to you now?
Did I make you laugh?
Did I make you cry?
Will you lend me a shoulder again when things are tough?
Why do you keep picking me up time and time again?
What is everyone else saying?
Is it rude of me to ask if you remember our discussion?
Why did we walk the way we did?
Are you waiting for me to throw the next party?
Did you get the message?
Am I a better person when drunk?
Are you going to tell my secrets?
Should I tell yours?
Did I do anything to offend you?
Did I do anything inappropriate that did not offend you?
Can Ann Arbor be our drinking place?
Why did you start dating her, when you told me you wouldn't get involved with anyone at work?
Why did you finish my drinks?
Why did you stop hanging out with me?
Why do you shut me out?
Can we do shots again?
Can I get those terrible poems back I wrote at the bar?
Where did our novel-idea napkin go?
Will I ever be able to recreate that one night?
Will you take me out on the dance floor again?
Why do you let me drink before bed?
Why can't I let go and be wild?
What am I so afraid of?
Why do events from my past still stir up panic and fear?
Why do I scrub everything in my home after drinking?
How is it that I only plan to have one drink and wind up at the end of a liquor luge?
How does drinking make me even more introspective?
Why does my German improve?
Who is the life of your parties when I am not around?
How did you function without me?
Are we really friends?
Will you ever respond?
Did you ever say that to anyone else?
When you lingered in the hug, what did that mean to you?
What will you do with my information?
Will we still be friends six months from now?
How many times are you going to spill your drink on me?
What did the 'look' mean?
What were you planning on when ordering those extra drinks?
Did you really expect for the party to continue?
Why do you have to be so nice about it?
When are you coming back to do this all over again?
Why did you choose that drink on that night?
Will you hold my hair back?
Are you still nervous around me?
Are we friends again yet?
Do you mind if I flirt with you?
Where do you see this going?


Do I have a problem?

bloggety blog blog blog

Another Saturday just about gone. No plans for later.

Jeremy's in Minneapolis. I had considered hanging out with friends tonight, but I never followed through and called them. They never called me either, so I guess we're cool.

With summer vacation official started, I need someone to hang out with. I am tired of sitting around. I am already tired of cleaning. I am tired of not having an exciting life - I had one in college, I had one in Florida (which led to some unwanted attention from a coke-head - a story for another time), I had a great social life in Battle Creek. Paw Paw only lent itself to foster that side of me that loves nature walks and photography. I did meet a few people in K'zoo, though, and we had good times (especially when Mike drove in a took me to see Brian Vander Ark at Kraftbrau after a lovely dinner at Olde Peninsula). This year, I've been able to hang out with new friends from work. I could hang out with them every Friday, but I think that that will put me on the track I was in Florida, which is the path toward developing a drinking problem (you can ask Jeremy what I was like when he returned - I quit drinking - cold turkey - and experienced some interesting things). I want to see my old friends. That seems to take a lot more planning.

Who would like to hang out with me? Leave a comment or two.

Crying

Jeremy has been gone since Sunday, and I am a wreck! I've been sitting around crying like a child. I just miss him.

Storm rolling in. I should turn off the computer. Maybe more later.

Published again!

I don't know if I already wrote about this, and I am too lazy to check my old posts.

I am being published again!
It's just a short poem that will be published in an anthology of poetry (I know they take almost everything that is submitted), but it still feels good to know that I am taking a more active role in the process. I consider this to be another baby step toward a career in writing.
The last publication only went to the Language Arts Journal of Michigan, so only English teachers received it. Prior to that, I had small pieces published from contests in high school, as well as my letters to the editor in my school paper.

The truth shall set you free...or destroy everything!

I finally sat down with Jeremy and told him that I have many doubts about getting married. We both haven't really taken the planning seriously. He doesn't want to do anything, and I think most of the stuff is bullshit. We talked about how we both need to change, especially when it comes to keeping our home in running order.

I told him that, lately, I've definitely been noticing other men who are my type. Jeremy is exactly my type - broad-shouldered, dark brown/black hair, green eyes, taller than me - if only he didn't have the beer gut. I know that the only reason these other men are enticing is because Jeremy has been disappointing me. I don't like that, all of a sudden, I am thinking about possibilities with new people. He didn't like that, either.

We decided to create a new system for cleaning and storing things (I just made a printout of my usual checklist for cleaning, etc.). I used to have him trained. Yes, I said it - trained! That is what women do. It was when he lived in the townhouse with all of those guys (after he moved back to Michigan while I was still teaching in Florida) that every chore he was accustomed to doing was no longer an expectation. In addition, we have decided on preliminary dates (we have to check with our first, second, and third choice locations for the reception and ceremony). We looked at tuxedos. I think I have narrowed down the style of dress I want. Now, we just need to figure out who will officiate the ceremony, flowers, bridal party, etc.

I think I am finally finding some excitement in all of this.

Risk II

I bought a bunch of discount games for my PC. Among them - Risk II. I can't stop playing it!

Seeking focus

I am always looking for something, whether it is a class or a friend or a new book. When does this behavior subside?

I am about to do another round of job searches in specific districts around Detroit.

I am making pierogies for dinner. I haven't decided what to have with them. I'll most likely heat corn and Morningstar Chik'n patties.

I will be scrubbing my bathroom and kitchen tonight. I cannot live comfortably when these rooms aren't clean.

I replanted several plants and brought in a couple that have issues with temp's in the sixties.

I also need to figure out some stuff for Eastern. I still don't have my ID or parking permit. I haven't ventured out to the book store, which is a problem. I may have a reading assignment due at the first class.

Performances

My concert went really well. The percussion ensemble was excellent; I am so happy I decided to join it.

I purchased tickets for my parents, Jeremy, and my sister plus her husband. I was glad to see them, but I was cranky toward the end, and I just wanted to go home. I felt I had spent enough money for the day, and I will see them tomorrow when we meet to celebrate my mother's birthday (Monday).

I tended to my garden and flowerbed today after I attended the school hug (a lame-ass attempt at creating community awareness and unity). I put on the supportive and happy teacher face in front of the parents, though.

I feel so angry right now. I don't know if it is the fact that my band season is done for a couple of months or what. I just feel as though I am being let down.

I have a German teacher professional development workshop next Saturday in Kalamazoo, which sounds like fun. Plus, I can stop to see Laura, James, and Noah in Battle Creek. I think I should see if they all want to meet for a drink. I haven't seen them in so long!

Anyway...
I thought Jeremy and I would be all over each other upon returning home tonight, as things were just starting to heat up when I had to leave. Instead, it's the opposite. I am feeling angry now, and I just want him to disappear for a while. I am pretending to be in a much better mood - I am not going to be bitchy to him just because I feel like I am having a bad night.

I need to get back into shape. I need to run. I need to do yoga. Maybe I just need some cabana boy to help keep me limber and keep my heart rate up! Just kidding.

Kcin called me prior to my concert. We talked for a short while on the phone - it's been so long!!! I will be calling her very soon to set up dinner or something. We've used myspace to catch up a little, but she and I were so close a long time ago - especially when her brother was dating my sister. Perhaps I will set up a girls' night out with her, Reenee, Beck, Krys, Teresa, and a few others.

Damn...I'm up; I'm down. I haven't felt a roller coaster like this in many years.

Sherman Alexie

I went to see Sherman Alexie tonight. What an awesome reading/performance!!!

I will be posting a picture of Alexie and me on my myspace soon. I may also upload some of the audio recording. The man is hilarious.

He signed one of the books I purchased which could not have pleased me more.

Interviews

I stood in lines most of the day today. I attended a teaching job fair at EMU, and I experienced some of my very best interviews! I am now checking that everything I submitted electronically is accurate and complete.

Tonight, I will be going to hear Sherman Alexie in Ann Arbor.

Then, I will come home to celebrate the (7th) anniversary of my first date with Jeremy.

What a great day!

sunshine and cleaning go hand-in-hand

I woke from some terrific, dream-filled sleep. My cold is subsiding, which is a Godsend, but I still don't feel 100 percent. I am accomplishing much of the stuff that I wasn't able to do yesterday. I still need to bring the table up from the basement and take the exercise bike down, but many of the other items on my list from yesterday are done. I am going to gather all of my donation items today and tomorrow and drop them off this week. I am tired of living in a home with clutter.

I really want to entertain company soon. I was thinking of hosting a Memorial Day barbecue, but my buddy Eric beat me to the punch and is hosting a cocktail party. Jeremy and I will probably head over to Grand Rapids for that. I haven't seen Eric in a very long time - I wasn't able to make it to his wedding a couple of years ago. Eric and I were pretty close during my college years. We formed a writing group that was extremely helpful in my development as a writer. I still send off my manuscripts to him.

Perhaps I will come up with some other excuse to have people over. Then again, do I really need an excuse? I just need to get my place in order for people to visit. Life just keeps getting in the way. Not today, though. The only responsibility I have is to show up at rehearsal at Jeff's tonight at 7:30. Perhaps Jeremy and I will find a new runner (rug) for our hallway. We can go and pick out shelves for the living room.

Jeremy seems to have settled down. His company is dicking him around again. First, he was told he would upgrade to captain. That disappeared. Then he was supposed to be enrolled in the next class for jet training. He just learned that that is not a possibility. The chief pilot has been dangling carrots in front of almost everyone to motivate them. Now, Jeremy is spending his time sending out resumes to other companies in the area. He has an interview lined up with one that will make life so much better financially. On the flip side, he will be gone seven days at a time. I actually think this would work best for us. I am extremely independent, and I wouldn't be stressed with having to take care of him daily. This arrangement wouldn't work, though, if we decide to have children.

At wit's end...

I have an awful cold, and Jeremy is being a dick. I think he believes he is being helpful by sitting on his ass and not bothering me, but there is so much that needs to be done here. After three hours now of asking him to go to the store for me (he felt compelled to first email his buddies, talk on the phone, watch TV, and sit around), he is going. And what am I doing? I just folded HIS laundry and straightened a portion of the basement.

I am miserable. I wish he'd just leave for the day. Unfortunately, though, his company canceled his overnight trip tonight. I just need to be left alone.

Today, I still need to:

clean the kitchen
move the table from the basement into the kitchen
wash dishes
wash clothes
revamp my teaching portfolio
vacuum
clean my bedroom
clean the bathroom
clean the spare room
practice for my upcoming concert
grade student work
create lesson plans for the rest of the year
decide on a novel to teach
email or call Ryan
email or call Mike
move the exercise bike to the basement
arrange the basement so that it is more living space
dust furniture and electronics

AND I CAN'T EXPECT JEREMY TO HELP WITHOUT A FIGHT.


Why is he treating me like his mother?
I am considering moving into the spare room. My bed is already set up.

I am so sick of this shit. He acts great for a while, and then, when I need him to support me, he turns into an ass hole. I take care of him when he is ill, but for some reason, I don't get the same treatment.

Lately...
He's lazy.
He can't stay off the phone - perhaps I will cancel his service. After all, I am the one who pays the phone bill.
He's short-tempered.
He's selfish.
He's reluctant to help me with anything.

The main problem is that I love him too much. I probably let this happen.

He just left for the store - we'll see if he brings me what I asked for...

Registered

I was finally able to register for my spring classes. I also took the last seats available in two of the classes I want to take in the fall semester. I could have my MA by the end of summer '08! The best part - it is NOT one of those lame-ass excuses for an MA that many teachers are "buying." It is from an actual university that requires attendance and reading and homework and lecture. I know that I could have easily completed the garbage degrees just to make more money, but I really do take pride in my education. I like having a challenge. I like knowing that the paper is truly worth something. I just couldn't justify spending money on something that would not lead to the next step - earning my Ph.D., which is still several years away. I am planning to take on the combined English and Education doctoral program at U of M.

Well, back to the present here...

Tomorrow is my last day until April 16th. I really do enjoy having vacations sprinkled throughout my career. I have much to do in very little time.

1. plan the remainder of the school year (with a condensed version for my graduating seniors)
2. clean my apartment (I have a temporary plan for my living room - I can't afford new furniture with tuition payments in the works)
3. unpack everything that has been sitting in the basement
4. attend rehearsal for percussion and band
5. attend a two-day conference at MSU
6. get all of my paperwork, ID, parking permit at EMU
7. meet with my advisor and see what I can complete as independent study over the summer, seeing as there are no course offerings that I need, and I can't really see how taking the summer off would be beneficial in the long run
8. garden
9. take my bike for a tune-up
10. meet with Ryan and help him with interview questions and help him put together a teaching portfolio
11. scope out wedding sites

I really want to hang out with friends next week. Who's free? I think I will have most evening open.

There is...

... a lot to think about.


Are we finally at peace with whatever demons used to lurk in the eaves?

Do you remember anything?

Do I want to know what you are thinking?

Do you want to know what you are thinking?

Do you want to know what I am thinking?

Did time stand still long enough for us to catch up?

Do some of you truly believe I hate you? I only deleted you from my phone, my friend list, and my email - not from my life. I've tried to bridge the gap. We need distance and time. Call when you are ready.

Is this an end or a beginning?

We're all grown up now, huh?

The last seven days of my life have been thought-provoking. I have experienced interesting moments, as well as inspiring moments. Trips down memory lane don't lead where they used to. Angry proposals didn't lead to anything. The soundtrack of my life has, once again, been altered to serve my upcoming performances. The possibility of financial freedom in education comes with a income-seeking burden.

I just wish I had my camera with me. I could show the setting or people affiliated with each of these episodes. Some of the scenes were Dawson-esque.

Perhaps you shared these moments with me. If you were, thank you. You have decorated my life.

Amazon update and other ideas

I contacted customer service at Amazon. They are sending another copy of the book I ordered but did not receive. Yay for them! Yay for me!

The only irritating thing is that I really did need that book this week for a project my students are completing in my German class, and Amazon won't rush it out to me unless I pay extra.

I should just write my own teacher guides for teaching German and sell them through one publisher (or my mentor teacher and I can compile all of her materials from the last fifteen years). I already have prototypes of several of the product ideas I'd like to sell. There is no reason for foreign language teachers to have to make new items every year. There is also no reason to overcharge for relatively simple products that are just time-consuming to create. I think I could get this rolling fairly quickly, too.

I am realizing that my life has not been as boring as I previously thought.

This is not a complete list, but still some of the things that have shaped my life thus far...

Since the turn of the century, I have...

started and continued a wonderful relationship with a great man.
taken on leadership roles in a variety of organizations (in college and in my career).
earned my bachelor's degree in four years with two majors and a minor.
moved to another state and started a career.
made new friends (including people from all walks of life - even a coke-head or two! Trevor, in particular brings to mind many interesting tales).
adopted two cats
moved back to my home state and continued to carve out my career path
taken graduate courses at two universities and maintained a 4.0 graduate GPA (Western was decent - one class included a day of drinking and writing in Saugatuck! Ball State has awesome journalism courses!)
worked at four different schools, each with a very different emphasis on educational philosophy.
helped to plan my sister's wedding
stood up in a wedding
learned how to salsa dance
been a "regular" at several bars.
developed a taste for wine
been trapped in a public restroom with Reenee (there's nothing like screaming for help to an empty beach, right Reenee?)
been unsuccessfully pursued by several men.
taught English, Language Arts, journalism, percussion, and German
attended weddings of friends
thought I found God or some other deity.
severed ties to some friends who really aren't sincere (and I don't regret my decision)
lost God or whatever.
been accepted into grad school (my classes start in May at Eastern)
reconnected with many friends from the past (I visited with Krysten and Teresa a month or so ago. I went out to Boogie Fever with Reenee and Beck on Friday. I went to dinner with Will on Monday, which was totally cool! I haven't laughed so hard in a long time. I bumped into Noah in a random bar in Ypsi. I found Laura on MySpace.)
been published (and more is on its way!).
gotten engaged!!!
bought my very own washer and dryer set.
purchased two brand new vehicles.
left music and returned to it in full force.
have met one of my heroes - Desmond Tutu
have talked to Russell Simmons on the phone.
won a Smoothie-maker.
received a certificate of appreciation from the White House during Cheney's visit to Battle Creek.
attended the 2005 Kellogg's "World's Longest Breakfast Table" event where someone was shot.
Lost relatives.
Gained relatives.
had my car shot at (Gifford, Florida).
lost control over my brakes while driving in Florida (great story about seeking help from a "local").
lost total control of a car but managed to avoid several deadly possibilities and the car made it out in perfect form, too (miraculous story there - yes, I've spun out of control and ended up in a ditch without a scratch or bump on me or my car).
had to use self-defense moves I learned from a course in college.
injured myself during physical training
purchased a really good moutain bike (hills, here I come!)
been sexually harassed at work.
reported sexually harassment.
successfully rid myself of obsessive-compulsive tendencies (although a little too well...)
started doing photography again.
found and lost and found and lost and found inspiration for writing.
embraced growing older.
found myself enjoying who I am now.
starting focusing on the future.

I need to stop now. It's late and Jeremy is finally home. I need to go to bed.