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Several of my friends have been sending me those survey emails where you will fill in your information and pass them along. I've received the same one now six times. I am trying to resist filling it out, as they tend to make me dwell on things that don't necessarily matter, but I am tempted. Perhaps I will just post one or two here and be done with it.

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The guy who has been bothering me at work is supposed to return tomorrow, thus ending his suspension. I really don't want to run into him, so I refuse to do hall duty. I covered hall supervision several times this week already. The anxiety is building. I tried to lie down and sleep, but my mind is going a mile a minute. I don't think I've ever felt such panic about going to work - not even when I started teaching (I have a touch of glossophobia, but it has gotten a lot better over the past four years - it's still not gone, though). I am learning that I have to open up about these things. I used to keep stuff bottled up, and that has resulted in a variety of nasty situations and arguments that just should not have happened.

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One of my students attempted suicide six days ago. I just found out she was in the hospital for five days. I'm glad she is alive and going to school (today was her first day back). This situation conjured up some demons from my past. Luckily, I never reached the point of actually getting the blood to flow uncontrollably - I was always too scared to dig the knives that deep (I did had a favorite knife - It was more a scalpel, though, from a science experiment kit I received as a Christmas gift). I know about the depression, mood disorders, psychological problems. My own suicidal thoughts and behaviors stopped around junior or senior year of high school - pretty much when I started dating steadily. I don't know if these are related - probably, though (maybe self-esteem issues); the times coincide.

I just hope my student finds some way to work through this. I used writing - I still don't open those notebooks, but I do keep them with my other writing. Someday I will open them again. I also am prone to obsessive-compulsive behaviors. At least they aren't violent - I just use these behaviors to clean my living space. What's wrong with living in a germ-free environment?

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Jeremy told me that I've been saying things totally out of character. Apparently, I am not a "happy, sun-shiny person," but I have been saying volumes about the better side of life. It's not that I am forgetting about those things, I am just attempting to say more about the neglected part of my existence. I am stable, good even. I have good job security, but I am trading it in for a better job over the summer. I am losing weight - correction - my overall weight has not changed significantly, but I am building muscle and losing fat (my clothes are getting too big for me). I have to buy all new dress pants soon! I am writing a lot more. Here, my journal, my notebooks of scripts and fiction. Oh, and at some point, I started writing poetry again. Because I am such a literary snob, I think I will polish them and have Bren give me comments.

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I think I should try to get some sleep soon. That is, if I can turn off my worrying mind.