Fractured Me

Yesterday, I met with two administrators in my building.

Over the course of the past month-and-a-half, I (and another woman) have been putting up with harassment from a coworker. I initially thought my comments on professionalism and ethics would be enough. I also felt the spring break would be a nice break for him to reflect and fix some of these concerns. However, when we all returned, he started again. I was very direct and instructed him that his conduct was unprofessional. He makes unacceptable comments about my appearance (usually in a sexual manner) and asks very inappropriate questions about Jeremy's visits, such as "Where does he sleep? With you?" "Don't you need more physical contact?", etc. The list gets even worse. He has said these things in front of many of our coworkers, which embarasses and infuriates me.

He keeps trying to make physical contact with me, mostly with attempts to get a hug (which wouldn't be a big deal if we were friends and we weren't at work - this just isn't the case). I've been trying to rationalize/justify his behavior toward me (and the other woman), which I know is ridiculous.

For the past week-and-a-half, I have been avoiding him by ducking into classrooms if I see him in the hall. Having a master key to the interior doors of my school is empowering, even though in this particular case, it led to me not being so empowered. I snake through the building through the oddly-connected classrooms to get to my office and avoid seeing him.

I had asked the other woman involved about his behavior, and she shared some disturbing information from his interactions with her. In fact, a recent development in her woes was the catalyst that sent me to my supervisors. This man had been harassing her for some time, and she thought the problem had stopped. It turns out that he had just started to bother me instead. Recently, he has returned to harassing her and the most recent situation was pretty bad.

So, this morning - after carefully walking through the building to avoid said man - the superintendent and administrators shared with me that he is on an "extended leave of absence". They met with him yesterday and discussed his behavior. I have no idea if he will return.

The worst part is that I feel guilty and ashamed. I have actually sought help from one of the therapists/counselors (not a guidance counselor - an actual counselor) to figure out my feelings. I've never done that before. Honestly, I have never felt so weak before. My family has never been supportive of getting mental/emotional help. In fact, my father has made fun of people who seek this kind of guidance. I think it is the way he dealt with his confusion about his own mother's schizophrenia.

I feel guilty that this person will most likely have to find a new job. I should not feel like this. I feel as though I am to blame, but I didn't to anything wrong. I am simply one of the whistle-blowers. After talking with our counselor, she explained that I may be misinterpreting my feelings. She asked about my feelings about being a victim. When she said this, an old wound opened and, briefly, poured blood.

I suppose I don’t necessarily feel guilt about the possibility of him not returning to his current job. On the surface, though, it does seem that way. It’s difficult for me to separate my emotions.

I am feeling guilty because I allowed myself to be a victim. I didn’t physically retaliate as I did in the past. I was stunned and didn’t express my thoughts using my incredibly strong personality. I was stern but not loud. Loud probably would have worked. I feel like I must have not said to stop enough. I thought I had said it plenty, but I guess it wasn't stated in a way he could comprehend. I want to tell my parents about this, but I don't know how. I feel like I somehow failed my parents because I needed to talk to a professional about the situation.

When can I just let go of or forget all of the notions and experiences that have fractured me?