Is anyone else feeling depressed tonight? I can't seem to shake it.
I'm 25.
I'm lonely.
I've reached a point in my life that sex (or lack thereof) doesn't matter. Shouldn't I still have a spark?
I've been in a relationship for six years now. I thought I'd be married by now. My boyfriend lives three hours away and wants me to compromise my plans for next year to make his life easier.
I thought I'd be a world traveler and established orchestral musician. Instead, I'm an over-analytical teacher who doesn't know how to "live it up" anymore.
People owe me money - lots of it, and I want it back. I could afford a fairly extravagant trip to Germany, Austria, and Switzerland this summer if I had it.
I was an over-achiever. Now, I just pretend to be.
I annoy people because I try so hard to get them to like me. I should just stop contacting my some of my friends for about six months and guilt-trip them later for not calling me. Let them know that they suck sometimes. - Reenee, you are definitely NOT in that list!
I was fickle when I was younger, but who wasn't?
I've been crying tonight. I've been angry tonight. I've probably wanted to rip off your head.
Bren is getting married in two weeks. I'm happy for him, but this joyous occasion makes me want to punch Jeremy.
Jeremy's mom has now started nagging him about marrying me. That's gotta be a bad sign - if someone WANTS to be a mother-in-law. Jeremy keeps telling me about it, thinking I will be on HIS side - yeah, fucking right!
I hated myself up until college (Explains a lot, huh?). I finally started to like myself for a few years. Now, I can only see that ugly, geeky, bitch in the mirror. I hate her. Do you?
MV mentioned that we should go to Europe this summer. I want to go, but I know Jeremy would shit a brick if I took a trip with another dude.
I've thought about killing myself eleven times today. This is most likely hormonal shifts from PMS. We'll see, though. Would any of you truly miss me? I think I just sort of pop up on the grid here and there, but I seem to be an "extra" in most situations.
I should clean the bathroom again, just to get high off the bleach fumes. At least that would make me "feel" happy.
6 comments:
Though we dont talk often you would be very missed. Hmm my english sucks. But we would miss you and hope that you would never do something like that. I am excited to see you at Brendans wedding cant wait to see you. Oh and if you dont want to comprimise then dont do what makes you happy!
Thank you for the kind words. I can't wait to see you at his wedding! Just a warning - I got fat. I am finally starting to drop off weight, though.
I don't think I'd ever kill myself - I have far too many people to piss off!
Alisha,
I can relate to a lot in your post. Truly. I would not pretend that I can relate 100% percent. But I have felt similar things to what you are going through.
First, Marriage is a complicated thing. I know you have a desire to be married. My concern is is in wether you wish to be married, or married to Jeremy. If it the Latter, then cool. If you simply have a desire to be married to someone you can trust, to be able to come home every day to someone you know Loves you, and will be there for you.. Then perhaps Jeremy may not be the right guy.
I know it sounds bad to say it that way, and I mean no offense to Jeremy or you. It is just that I now realize I got married because I wanted to be married. I figured it was just the next step in my relationship with my ex. I now realize that marriage is way more than just a huge commitement, and if both parties are not 100% on the same plane, then things go crazy.
Being that I have been internally tormented by my wife leaving me, I guess I am now a pretty selfish person when it comes to dating. My views may be a bit slanted. That being said, I look at it this way. If I ever had a desire to get married again, and that was my true intent for my life.. I would be very focused on who I dated.
I have set up some rules that I now live by:
~I will never again pursue a girl who does not want to be with me. If she is not interested at first, it is not worth my time.
~ I will never try to impress a girl by not being myself (stylish clothes, trying to find non-existant common interests, etc).
~ I will never conform myself, or make compromises in a dating relationship that would put my emotional health at stake. I would rather not be in a relationship then go through that crap again. (just one example would be breaking personal goals and plans, etc.)
~ If at any point I truly deeply have a thought of "maybe I should not be with this person" I will take the time to consider my thoughts and act upon them if appropriate.
Of course, these rules apply to dating only. I view marriage as a commitment not to be broken. I had no choice when my wife left.
Anyway, I know you and Jeremy have been together for 6 years and If you truly believe he is "The One" then cool. If not, 6 years of dating is well worth trading for "The One" or someone who may be more compatible.
I apologize if I offend. I am no longer a person who sympathizes with everything. I tell it like I see it. If I can help someone I do it through what I believe to be the truth. I am not always the compassionate type. The divorce rate is what? 66%? We need to change our ways of thinking in this country.
Love is a complicated thing. Love does not, and should not always equate to marriage. However, in our culture Love is immediately attached to marriage. I am not sure why though.
The greatest love of my life is a friend. And She will always remain a friend. We both know we love each other. We have toyed with the idea of dating and whatnot, but it would just not work. There are slight differences between us that are apparent and we both know that we would end up in some kind of bad emotional sitaution in the future. (Anyway.. it is a much more complicated issue then that.. but whatever)..
Anyway, I would encourage you to explore your issue at hand. If Jeremy is "The One" then you need to express your desire to be married to him. If he is hesitant, then you need to move on. Stop compromising yourself just to be with him.
On to other things.
It is funny how our lives never turn out as we plan. I would encourage you to not let this bring you down though. It appears to me that a lot of people see how there lives "could have been" and simply conform to everything life throws at them.
"I never did this or that. so I might as well settle down now."
Just remember, even if we cannot do the "huge" things in life we planned, we should never give up on the simpler things that we enjoy.
One simple statement to your quote, "I was an over-achiever. Now, I just pretend to be" I would say this about myself, "I was an over-achiever. Now, I am just trying to shed that reputation." I no longer have a desire to be like that. Not sure why, but I have found much more peace in life being "average."
Anywho.. I guess this is turning into a novel. I just started to type.. and out poured all this.
you stated, " hated myself up until college (Explains a lot, huh?). I finally started to like myself for a few years. Now, I can only see that ugly, geeky, bitch in the mirror. I hate her. Do you?"
weird thing is that when I try and remember people from High school I have such a hard time remembering names and faces. You Have always been one of those people I remember and I have never been sure why. I did not see you after H.S. so much, if ever. I have a couple images that pop into my head sometimes when remembering my time in the Theatre. One of those images is of you Moving your Marimba(?) in the Pit Stage left. Weird huh?
In relation, I never looked at you as an "hat ugly, geeky, bitch" in High school. And I definately never hated you. I am sorry you feel that way now. I do know what it is like to start to like oneself though. I am not sure what you believe in the spiritual realm of things, But I would caution you that looking down on yourself may be more then a fleeting thought, chemical imbalance, or period in one's life. There is an enemy amongst us, and he manipulates us in very bad ways.
For only the second time in my life I have had thoughts of suicide. (the previous was immediately after H.S.). I understand what it is like to not be happy with anything. To knowingly not be depressed (knowingly depressed), and just down and out. Life is not what was planned, and there is no real way of finding happiness without hurting someone else.
Suicide is not a viable option, and I would hate to ever assume that you are not smart enough to ever need any cliche relating to that...
Oh, and Bleach fumes do not get you high. The help displace the oxygen in your lungs, successfully lowering your SpO2 %. Basically asphyxiating one's self. asphyxiation is definitely different then a "high." But I am sure you knew that too ;)
Well, I guess I will close this novel now.
As a last thought I unfortunately will not be able to attend Brenden and Amanda's wedding, as I had Previous out-of-town plans for that date. I wish them my best though,
Lish I am fat too so it is no big I am sure I will make you feel skinny! James I wish you could have made it it would have been great to see you. Have fun with your plans!
Lish, I will try to call you again tonight or tomorrow night. I can tell you still need to talk about this one some more, and as a friend, I need to contribute as well, but I'll not do it here.
If you are going to be in town for the weekend, there is a party on Friday at Bahama Breeze. We are having a bbq for MH's b-day on Saturday, but my Sunday is free too.
I want to thank you all for trying to help me through this. I've just a bit overwhelmed lately.
Peaj - we can weeble around together!
Reenee - Jeremy's coming to visit me this weekend - plus, I may be going out drinking with some of my colleagues to celebrate the end of the school year (Last day is Friday!!!).
James - Thank you so much for your insight on such matters. I've been using this blog more and more to really work through some of the emotions within me, rather than jotting them down in my regular journal. Here people can actually help me. I also need to start going to church or something. I just find that I am mostly an agnostic.
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