I miss how we were before we started the whole wedding-planning nightmare. Today, our arguing has shifted from venues to guest lists.
We will be happy with almost any venue, although our first choice location was only available on a Friday night. This wouldn't work well, as it is so far away, and most people wouldn't be able to get there. It has a beautiful view and very affordable catering and other services. I just wish Saturday was available. That is only day that we could really have a wedding so far away and still have our families and friends show up.
The main issue now is that there are people on my list of friends who Jeremy does not want at the wedding and reception. This will be an uphill battle. I know money is tight, but I'd like to have some of these friends there. Jeremy will not budge on taking these individuals off the list. Some are obvious reasons; some are not so obvious. We've now reached the point of just staying quiet about the subject. I know I need to respect his concerns, but these people are friends and I'd like for them to be included in the celebration. Oh, what am I to do? I will probably make him take several people I'd rather not see off of his list of friends. I hate that that would be a compromise. It just seems spiteful and immature.
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I'll make it easy. I won't be in attendance. I know I probably wasn't on the guest list, but it's an attempt to lighten the mood.
*insert mood lightening here*
The people that are invited to your wedding are those that you should both feel comfortable having there.
My advice is for both of you to sit down individually with the guest list as it is and make a note of the people that you would not want to be there. Then you can come together and go over both lists. If you can't agree that someone should be there... then he/she should not be invited.
Not to discourage you... Well, Yeah.. Maybe too...
I am having a hard time understanding why you continue to pursue this fantasy wedding with someone with whom you have so many differences.
Think about this.
You have people you care about enough to want at your wedding. You care about these people, and they care about you. Chances are these people are people who were at one time close friends. For one reason or another these friendships and/or relationships became distant enough that these people only show up in your life now and then.
This is only speculation, But I think Jeremy views these people simply as shadows of who you were. They are unnecessary in your life now, and he probably looks at them as a threat, though he would never say so.
I do not mean a threat to your relationship. Sure, that could be one aspect, but the threats can be much more subtle and psychological.
I would be willing to guess that Jeremy has issues and disagreements with decisions you have made recently, as well as issues with how you behaved in the past.
These people are threatening because in his head this people caused you to act in ways he disagrees with. He sees you now, how he wants to. These other people remind him of how you truly are. Who you truly want to be. It probably makes him sick.
It comes down to this.
People like us care about people. Exes, former friends, even those who have hurt us. We care, and we know people still care about us. We cannot simply shake people out of our lives like so many people can.
These people had influences on our lives, wether positive or negetive, and made us who we are. They are part of us.
They are part of you. If you want them at your wedding, you should be able to have them there. If Jeremy cannot tolerate that, well, I suggest you find a new Fiance.
Do not get me wrong. I like Jeremy. I know I have only met him once, but he seems like a very nice guy.
But is he right for you? It seems as though you have inherent differences between you at the core.
If you are fighting about friends and guest lists now, how bad will it be when you are married and want to see these people?
The arguements do not go away after the ceremony, they get worse. Our human nature takes over and we start to expect our mates to act certain ways to appease us. Sure, we can mask it for a while, but it always comes out eventually. Some arguements are fine, no big deal. But arguements involving who we are, and those we feel closest too, well... those are the ones worth pondering.
No Guy or Girl is worth sacrficing who you are. Be yourself, and be with someone who enjoys you for your entirety.
Wow, I am a downer. Feel free to call me an @$$hole. It is just that I have read, and reread many of your posts. I cannot help but be concerned that you MAY BE making a mistake.
Marriage is huge commitment that has been dumbed down by the excitement of the ceremony. Do not let this excitement control your destiny.
I probably should not have wrote the preceding. My thoughts are incomplete, and there was much more encouraging stuff I wanted to write as well.
I do not mean to be so discouraging. I just wanted to be honest about the concerns I have. If it can in any way protect you, or perhaps in a weird way strengthen your relationship, then..., uh, good.? :)
Maybe I am just a pessimistic jerk.
I apologize.
(feel free to approve and post whatever I write if you want)
While marriage is a HUGE committment, it is one that both people should enter into willingly. No one should sacrifice who they are for the other person, but compromises will have to be made and part of learning and loving someone is accepting them and their feelings too. It is never always about one person, it has to be about both...
Ahhh yes, Compromise. The Misunderstood concept that has turned so many people away from being themselves. marriages simply fall apart because people change so much the grow apart.
I am glad you seem to have a healthy view of compromise reenee. It seems to many people are willing to commit personlity and emotional suicide under the guise of "Compromise."
I wrote the following in January of 2006. I still believe it to be true.
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I think compromise is a misunderstood philosophy. Compromise is defined by the American heritage Dictionary as "A settlement of differences in which each side makes concessions." Conform is defined as "(1)To correspond in form or character; be similar. (2)To act or be in accord or agreement;"
Notice the difference. Compromise involves concessions. Compromise is dealt on the Thought/idea level of the Brain. It uses logic to determine what a fair compromise should be. Compromise use in a healthy relationship is for issues such as where to live, who sleeps on what side of the bed, etc... in example, Husband: "Okay, how about we live in Oregon for two years by my parents and if you do not like it by then we can move back to michigan by your parents?" That is an offer of compromise.
To conform is to change something about oneself, to adjust to another, without concessions. "my significant other does not like it when I talk to other people at the club. Even though I really like doing it." So then that person stops talking to other people, even though that is part of who they are, and what they like to do.
Another form of Conformity mistaken for compromise is our friends. A lot of people in relationships feel they should not see or hang out with certain others because it would be wrong or uncouthe. The may be true to a point. However, If one truly enjoys the company and/or friendship of other certain individuls, why should one have to stop seeing those people to appease his or her significant other?
Meaning that if the significant other had a problem with your friendships, then perhaps that relationship needs to be reviewed. On the flip side, why should someone be in a relationship with a person whose significant other's friends cause them to be emotionally responsive. Should that person have to conform (or bury) his or her natural emotions about the dislike of the others friendships.
Would it not make more sense to be oneself and find a more compatible mate. One that you would not have issues with.
Again, people stop hanging out with certain friends and view it is the blanket term of "compromise." It isn't. To deny oneself the friendship is probably the most blantant form of conformity as it not only involves detaching yourself from someone you care about, but also involves you detached yourself from those emotions as well.
(Truly though, we never detach ourselves from those emotions. We bury them, until they pop up again in the future sometime.)
I understand that lonliness makes humans do weird things. Human Psychology is a double edged sword. I have been there. Experience has shown me that conforming just to "be with" someone only leads to even greater lonliness in the end. It is amazing the intense emotional desolation that can occur in an emotionally dead relationship.
Never conform. Compromise if needed. Better yet, Find someone more compatible. Even better then that. Do not Date someone that tries to change you, and do not feel the need to change yourself!
You are who you are. Enjoy being yourself
Hi James, I agree with you on all counts. If there are serious issues between the significant other and both sides of friends, then the real root of the problem must be understood and addressed... Both should know exactly why the other feels the way that they do. One should never expect to change the other (it will not happen) or to change themselves for the other (it should not happen).
One's significant other does not have to get along with all of the friends and can choose to agree that the SO can associate with them at their leisure. But for the issue at hand, there are circumstances and situations that warrant more careful consideration. Such as the wedding, If Jeremy does not have an issue with the fact that Lish is friends with certain people, but he himself does not feel comfortable around them..... is just one example of a scenario that warrants more discussion between Jeremy and Lish.
I know of all of the aggravations that Lish has voiced about Jeremy, but I also know about the happiness that he brings her. And that she is too busy enjoying the moment to go online and document all of those happy times for us.
Lish is a perfectionist - and because life is not perfect, nor is anything or anyone, there will always be some detail that does not meet her expectations, but she never lets that stop her from trying to achieve what others deem impossible.
Wow. It's like you are fighting for my soul here. I hope I always have people in my corner who will fight for what is best for me. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I was just simply stating that some of my friends have either done or said things that Jeremy cannot respect or even tolerate (in regard to me). Some of these situations are more extreme than others, and Jeremy refuses to cater to these individuals. While I can often look past things (who knew I could do that!?!), Jeremy can't and I need to be aware of that.
And we did discuss...oh, man, did we discuss. We even came to an agreement that we both can live with. We finally felt peace, and then he had to leave for work again, but not before we engaged in another one of our little routines - he packs his clothes and I frantically search for his hairbrush, toothpaste, etc.
I think I did manipulate the main discussion a little, though. I took him out to dinner so that we'd both be forced to behave ourselves, as we don't tend to air dirty laundry in public. We calmly explain our thoughts and nibble on comfort food. The best part? We don't have to wash dishes, so our blood pressure seems to drop.
Well put Reenee, I only disagree with one thing you stated.
To quote you, " ...life is not perfect, nor is anything or anyone ..."
Apparently someone has forgot that I am perfect in every way. Or was that practically perfect?
No, Mary Poppins was Practically Perfect in every way. So I guess that makes me the perfect one.
Or Not.
I am hyper and stuck at work. Woo. :(
Thank you for opening my eyes to the other side of the situation though. :)
well James, I haven't yet had the pleasure of meeting you - so I can't vouch for your perfecticity, so I'll hold off my judgement until then :-)
which I hope will be soon, if Lish decides to hold her housewarming party :-P
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