Questions from alcohol

I've been thinking about my interactions with alcohol these past six months. I over-analyze everything. Some of the more recent discussions and actions have left me questioning myself. These are not to any one person but many from months of being too drunk to drive home, etc. You figure which question is to whom. And then, feel free to answer...if you're feeling up to it.

Do we ever voice our lingering thoughts after drinking too much?
What did you mean you and your wife live totally separate lives?
Why would you tell me that?
Did we only get along because we both had been drinking?
Do you remember everything we talked about?
Why do you think that more alcohol will increase your chances?
Why can't you ever remember that I am engaged?
Do you remember anything we talked about?
Do you want to remember everything you said and everything I said?
Is there anything better than Riesling?
Was I overstepping boundaries?
Why do you keep trying to put your arm around me?
Do I fucking look interested?
What did it all mean?
Did we reach a new peace?
Did we connect like we used to?
Why was your hand on my back?
Did you forgive me in that moment?
What did it mean to you?
Would you want to talk again?
Did we say everything?
Do you understand me now?
How did we used to do this for so many hours?
Do you hate me?
Do you think less of me?
Do you think more of me?
Do you truly understand that hatred is not something that could ever exist from me to you?
Who am I to you now?
Can't you see the damned rock on my hand?
Why did I feel the way I did?
Was I trying to prove something?
Were you trying to prove something?
Are we competing?
What am I to you now?
Did I make you laugh?
Did I make you cry?
Will you lend me a shoulder again when things are tough?
Why do you keep picking me up time and time again?
What is everyone else saying?
Is it rude of me to ask if you remember our discussion?
Why did we walk the way we did?
Are you waiting for me to throw the next party?
Did you get the message?
Am I a better person when drunk?
Are you going to tell my secrets?
Should I tell yours?
Did I do anything to offend you?
Did I do anything inappropriate that did not offend you?
Can Ann Arbor be our drinking place?
Why did you start dating her, when you told me you wouldn't get involved with anyone at work?
Why did you finish my drinks?
Why did you stop hanging out with me?
Why do you shut me out?
Can we do shots again?
Can I get those terrible poems back I wrote at the bar?
Where did our novel-idea napkin go?
Will I ever be able to recreate that one night?
Will you take me out on the dance floor again?
Why do you let me drink before bed?
Why can't I let go and be wild?
What am I so afraid of?
Why do events from my past still stir up panic and fear?
Why do I scrub everything in my home after drinking?
How is it that I only plan to have one drink and wind up at the end of a liquor luge?
How does drinking make me even more introspective?
Why does my German improve?
Who is the life of your parties when I am not around?
How did you function without me?
Are we really friends?
Will you ever respond?
Did you ever say that to anyone else?
When you lingered in the hug, what did that mean to you?
What will you do with my information?
Will we still be friends six months from now?
How many times are you going to spill your drink on me?
What did the 'look' mean?
What were you planning on when ordering those extra drinks?
Did you really expect for the party to continue?
Why do you have to be so nice about it?
When are you coming back to do this all over again?
Why did you choose that drink on that night?
Will you hold my hair back?
Are you still nervous around me?
Are we friends again yet?
Do you mind if I flirt with you?
Where do you see this going?


Do I have a problem?

bloggety blog blog blog

Another Saturday just about gone. No plans for later.

Jeremy's in Minneapolis. I had considered hanging out with friends tonight, but I never followed through and called them. They never called me either, so I guess we're cool.

With summer vacation official started, I need someone to hang out with. I am tired of sitting around. I am already tired of cleaning. I am tired of not having an exciting life - I had one in college, I had one in Florida (which led to some unwanted attention from a coke-head - a story for another time), I had a great social life in Battle Creek. Paw Paw only lent itself to foster that side of me that loves nature walks and photography. I did meet a few people in K'zoo, though, and we had good times (especially when Mike drove in a took me to see Brian Vander Ark at Kraftbrau after a lovely dinner at Olde Peninsula). This year, I've been able to hang out with new friends from work. I could hang out with them every Friday, but I think that that will put me on the track I was in Florida, which is the path toward developing a drinking problem (you can ask Jeremy what I was like when he returned - I quit drinking - cold turkey - and experienced some interesting things). I want to see my old friends. That seems to take a lot more planning.

Who would like to hang out with me? Leave a comment or two.

Crying

Jeremy has been gone since Sunday, and I am a wreck! I've been sitting around crying like a child. I just miss him.

Storm rolling in. I should turn off the computer. Maybe more later.

Published again!

I don't know if I already wrote about this, and I am too lazy to check my old posts.

I am being published again!
It's just a short poem that will be published in an anthology of poetry (I know they take almost everything that is submitted), but it still feels good to know that I am taking a more active role in the process. I consider this to be another baby step toward a career in writing.
The last publication only went to the Language Arts Journal of Michigan, so only English teachers received it. Prior to that, I had small pieces published from contests in high school, as well as my letters to the editor in my school paper.

The truth shall set you free...or destroy everything!

I finally sat down with Jeremy and told him that I have many doubts about getting married. We both haven't really taken the planning seriously. He doesn't want to do anything, and I think most of the stuff is bullshit. We talked about how we both need to change, especially when it comes to keeping our home in running order.

I told him that, lately, I've definitely been noticing other men who are my type. Jeremy is exactly my type - broad-shouldered, dark brown/black hair, green eyes, taller than me - if only he didn't have the beer gut. I know that the only reason these other men are enticing is because Jeremy has been disappointing me. I don't like that, all of a sudden, I am thinking about possibilities with new people. He didn't like that, either.

We decided to create a new system for cleaning and storing things (I just made a printout of my usual checklist for cleaning, etc.). I used to have him trained. Yes, I said it - trained! That is what women do. It was when he lived in the townhouse with all of those guys (after he moved back to Michigan while I was still teaching in Florida) that every chore he was accustomed to doing was no longer an expectation. In addition, we have decided on preliminary dates (we have to check with our first, second, and third choice locations for the reception and ceremony). We looked at tuxedos. I think I have narrowed down the style of dress I want. Now, we just need to figure out who will officiate the ceremony, flowers, bridal party, etc.

I think I am finally finding some excitement in all of this.

Risk II

I bought a bunch of discount games for my PC. Among them - Risk II. I can't stop playing it!

Seeking focus

I am always looking for something, whether it is a class or a friend or a new book. When does this behavior subside?

I am about to do another round of job searches in specific districts around Detroit.

I am making pierogies for dinner. I haven't decided what to have with them. I'll most likely heat corn and Morningstar Chik'n patties.

I will be scrubbing my bathroom and kitchen tonight. I cannot live comfortably when these rooms aren't clean.

I replanted several plants and brought in a couple that have issues with temp's in the sixties.

I also need to figure out some stuff for Eastern. I still don't have my ID or parking permit. I haven't ventured out to the book store, which is a problem. I may have a reading assignment due at the first class.

Performances

My concert went really well. The percussion ensemble was excellent; I am so happy I decided to join it.

I purchased tickets for my parents, Jeremy, and my sister plus her husband. I was glad to see them, but I was cranky toward the end, and I just wanted to go home. I felt I had spent enough money for the day, and I will see them tomorrow when we meet to celebrate my mother's birthday (Monday).

I tended to my garden and flowerbed today after I attended the school hug (a lame-ass attempt at creating community awareness and unity). I put on the supportive and happy teacher face in front of the parents, though.

I feel so angry right now. I don't know if it is the fact that my band season is done for a couple of months or what. I just feel as though I am being let down.

I have a German teacher professional development workshop next Saturday in Kalamazoo, which sounds like fun. Plus, I can stop to see Laura, James, and Noah in Battle Creek. I think I should see if they all want to meet for a drink. I haven't seen them in so long!

Anyway...
I thought Jeremy and I would be all over each other upon returning home tonight, as things were just starting to heat up when I had to leave. Instead, it's the opposite. I am feeling angry now, and I just want him to disappear for a while. I am pretending to be in a much better mood - I am not going to be bitchy to him just because I feel like I am having a bad night.

I need to get back into shape. I need to run. I need to do yoga. Maybe I just need some cabana boy to help keep me limber and keep my heart rate up! Just kidding.

Kcin called me prior to my concert. We talked for a short while on the phone - it's been so long!!! I will be calling her very soon to set up dinner or something. We've used myspace to catch up a little, but she and I were so close a long time ago - especially when her brother was dating my sister. Perhaps I will set up a girls' night out with her, Reenee, Beck, Krys, Teresa, and a few others.

Damn...I'm up; I'm down. I haven't felt a roller coaster like this in many years.

Sherman Alexie

I went to see Sherman Alexie tonight. What an awesome reading/performance!!!

I will be posting a picture of Alexie and me on my myspace soon. I may also upload some of the audio recording. The man is hilarious.

He signed one of the books I purchased which could not have pleased me more.

Interviews

I stood in lines most of the day today. I attended a teaching job fair at EMU, and I experienced some of my very best interviews! I am now checking that everything I submitted electronically is accurate and complete.

Tonight, I will be going to hear Sherman Alexie in Ann Arbor.

Then, I will come home to celebrate the (7th) anniversary of my first date with Jeremy.

What a great day!

sunshine and cleaning go hand-in-hand

I woke from some terrific, dream-filled sleep. My cold is subsiding, which is a Godsend, but I still don't feel 100 percent. I am accomplishing much of the stuff that I wasn't able to do yesterday. I still need to bring the table up from the basement and take the exercise bike down, but many of the other items on my list from yesterday are done. I am going to gather all of my donation items today and tomorrow and drop them off this week. I am tired of living in a home with clutter.

I really want to entertain company soon. I was thinking of hosting a Memorial Day barbecue, but my buddy Eric beat me to the punch and is hosting a cocktail party. Jeremy and I will probably head over to Grand Rapids for that. I haven't seen Eric in a very long time - I wasn't able to make it to his wedding a couple of years ago. Eric and I were pretty close during my college years. We formed a writing group that was extremely helpful in my development as a writer. I still send off my manuscripts to him.

Perhaps I will come up with some other excuse to have people over. Then again, do I really need an excuse? I just need to get my place in order for people to visit. Life just keeps getting in the way. Not today, though. The only responsibility I have is to show up at rehearsal at Jeff's tonight at 7:30. Perhaps Jeremy and I will find a new runner (rug) for our hallway. We can go and pick out shelves for the living room.

Jeremy seems to have settled down. His company is dicking him around again. First, he was told he would upgrade to captain. That disappeared. Then he was supposed to be enrolled in the next class for jet training. He just learned that that is not a possibility. The chief pilot has been dangling carrots in front of almost everyone to motivate them. Now, Jeremy is spending his time sending out resumes to other companies in the area. He has an interview lined up with one that will make life so much better financially. On the flip side, he will be gone seven days at a time. I actually think this would work best for us. I am extremely independent, and I wouldn't be stressed with having to take care of him daily. This arrangement wouldn't work, though, if we decide to have children.

At wit's end...

I have an awful cold, and Jeremy is being a dick. I think he believes he is being helpful by sitting on his ass and not bothering me, but there is so much that needs to be done here. After three hours now of asking him to go to the store for me (he felt compelled to first email his buddies, talk on the phone, watch TV, and sit around), he is going. And what am I doing? I just folded HIS laundry and straightened a portion of the basement.

I am miserable. I wish he'd just leave for the day. Unfortunately, though, his company canceled his overnight trip tonight. I just need to be left alone.

Today, I still need to:

clean the kitchen
move the table from the basement into the kitchen
wash dishes
wash clothes
revamp my teaching portfolio
vacuum
clean my bedroom
clean the bathroom
clean the spare room
practice for my upcoming concert
grade student work
create lesson plans for the rest of the year
decide on a novel to teach
email or call Ryan
email or call Mike
move the exercise bike to the basement
arrange the basement so that it is more living space
dust furniture and electronics

AND I CAN'T EXPECT JEREMY TO HELP WITHOUT A FIGHT.


Why is he treating me like his mother?
I am considering moving into the spare room. My bed is already set up.

I am so sick of this shit. He acts great for a while, and then, when I need him to support me, he turns into an ass hole. I take care of him when he is ill, but for some reason, I don't get the same treatment.

Lately...
He's lazy.
He can't stay off the phone - perhaps I will cancel his service. After all, I am the one who pays the phone bill.
He's short-tempered.
He's selfish.
He's reluctant to help me with anything.

The main problem is that I love him too much. I probably let this happen.

He just left for the store - we'll see if he brings me what I asked for...

Registered

I was finally able to register for my spring classes. I also took the last seats available in two of the classes I want to take in the fall semester. I could have my MA by the end of summer '08! The best part - it is NOT one of those lame-ass excuses for an MA that many teachers are "buying." It is from an actual university that requires attendance and reading and homework and lecture. I know that I could have easily completed the garbage degrees just to make more money, but I really do take pride in my education. I like having a challenge. I like knowing that the paper is truly worth something. I just couldn't justify spending money on something that would not lead to the next step - earning my Ph.D., which is still several years away. I am planning to take on the combined English and Education doctoral program at U of M.

Well, back to the present here...

Tomorrow is my last day until April 16th. I really do enjoy having vacations sprinkled throughout my career. I have much to do in very little time.

1. plan the remainder of the school year (with a condensed version for my graduating seniors)
2. clean my apartment (I have a temporary plan for my living room - I can't afford new furniture with tuition payments in the works)
3. unpack everything that has been sitting in the basement
4. attend rehearsal for percussion and band
5. attend a two-day conference at MSU
6. get all of my paperwork, ID, parking permit at EMU
7. meet with my advisor and see what I can complete as independent study over the summer, seeing as there are no course offerings that I need, and I can't really see how taking the summer off would be beneficial in the long run
8. garden
9. take my bike for a tune-up
10. meet with Ryan and help him with interview questions and help him put together a teaching portfolio
11. scope out wedding sites

I really want to hang out with friends next week. Who's free? I think I will have most evening open.

There is...

... a lot to think about.


Are we finally at peace with whatever demons used to lurk in the eaves?

Do you remember anything?

Do I want to know what you are thinking?

Do you want to know what you are thinking?

Do you want to know what I am thinking?

Did time stand still long enough for us to catch up?

Do some of you truly believe I hate you? I only deleted you from my phone, my friend list, and my email - not from my life. I've tried to bridge the gap. We need distance and time. Call when you are ready.

Is this an end or a beginning?

We're all grown up now, huh?

The last seven days of my life have been thought-provoking. I have experienced interesting moments, as well as inspiring moments. Trips down memory lane don't lead where they used to. Angry proposals didn't lead to anything. The soundtrack of my life has, once again, been altered to serve my upcoming performances. The possibility of financial freedom in education comes with a income-seeking burden.

I just wish I had my camera with me. I could show the setting or people affiliated with each of these episodes. Some of the scenes were Dawson-esque.

Perhaps you shared these moments with me. If you were, thank you. You have decorated my life.

Amazon update and other ideas

I contacted customer service at Amazon. They are sending another copy of the book I ordered but did not receive. Yay for them! Yay for me!

The only irritating thing is that I really did need that book this week for a project my students are completing in my German class, and Amazon won't rush it out to me unless I pay extra.

I should just write my own teacher guides for teaching German and sell them through one publisher (or my mentor teacher and I can compile all of her materials from the last fifteen years). I already have prototypes of several of the product ideas I'd like to sell. There is no reason for foreign language teachers to have to make new items every year. There is also no reason to overcharge for relatively simple products that are just time-consuming to create. I think I could get this rolling fairly quickly, too.

I am realizing that my life has not been as boring as I previously thought.

This is not a complete list, but still some of the things that have shaped my life thus far...

Since the turn of the century, I have...

started and continued a wonderful relationship with a great man.
taken on leadership roles in a variety of organizations (in college and in my career).
earned my bachelor's degree in four years with two majors and a minor.
moved to another state and started a career.
made new friends (including people from all walks of life - even a coke-head or two! Trevor, in particular brings to mind many interesting tales).
adopted two cats
moved back to my home state and continued to carve out my career path
taken graduate courses at two universities and maintained a 4.0 graduate GPA (Western was decent - one class included a day of drinking and writing in Saugatuck! Ball State has awesome journalism courses!)
worked at four different schools, each with a very different emphasis on educational philosophy.
helped to plan my sister's wedding
stood up in a wedding
learned how to salsa dance
been a "regular" at several bars.
developed a taste for wine
been trapped in a public restroom with Reenee (there's nothing like screaming for help to an empty beach, right Reenee?)
been unsuccessfully pursued by several men.
taught English, Language Arts, journalism, percussion, and German
attended weddings of friends
thought I found God or some other deity.
severed ties to some friends who really aren't sincere (and I don't regret my decision)
lost God or whatever.
been accepted into grad school (my classes start in May at Eastern)
reconnected with many friends from the past (I visited with Krysten and Teresa a month or so ago. I went out to Boogie Fever with Reenee and Beck on Friday. I went to dinner with Will on Monday, which was totally cool! I haven't laughed so hard in a long time. I bumped into Noah in a random bar in Ypsi. I found Laura on MySpace.)
been published (and more is on its way!).
gotten engaged!!!
bought my very own washer and dryer set.
purchased two brand new vehicles.
left music and returned to it in full force.
have met one of my heroes - Desmond Tutu
have talked to Russell Simmons on the phone.
won a Smoothie-maker.
received a certificate of appreciation from the White House during Cheney's visit to Battle Creek.
attended the 2005 Kellogg's "World's Longest Breakfast Table" event where someone was shot.
Lost relatives.
Gained relatives.
had my car shot at (Gifford, Florida).
lost control over my brakes while driving in Florida (great story about seeking help from a "local").
lost total control of a car but managed to avoid several deadly possibilities and the car made it out in perfect form, too (miraculous story there - yes, I've spun out of control and ended up in a ditch without a scratch or bump on me or my car).
had to use self-defense moves I learned from a course in college.
injured myself during physical training
purchased a really good moutain bike (hills, here I come!)
been sexually harassed at work.
reported sexually harassment.
successfully rid myself of obsessive-compulsive tendencies (although a little too well...)
started doing photography again.
found and lost and found and lost and found inspiration for writing.
embraced growing older.
found myself enjoying who I am now.
starting focusing on the future.

I need to stop now. It's late and Jeremy is finally home. I need to go to bed.

Dinner Out!

I met Will for dinner tonight. I knew it would be a great evening of catching up, but I didn't expect for time to move so quickly. I was laughing so hard that my cheeks were cramping. I really haven't laughed like that in quite some time...perhaps since the last time Will and I spoke.

We spoke of who we were and who we are. He told me of being intimidated by me back in the day - I had decided to sit with him at lunch one day after never really speaking to him all the years our lockers sat almost next to each other. Although he was shy at first, a great friendship started. We have lost touch with each other several times, and I will not let that happen again.

Argh!

Amazon didn't include a book in my order, but they did include it on the accompanying invoice. If it were just a novel for me, I wouldn't be that upset. However, it is a book for teaching German, and I have been waiting a while for it. What an irritating surprise!

Does anyone know if they are good at fixing their mistakes or am I going to have to bitch-slap someone?

More cancer

My mother called me this evening to let me know that my Uncle Don may have cancer. He went to the hospital for a biopsy of a lump in his abdomen on Wednesday. He's been losing weight and this lump seems to have been growing larger.

I've lost a large number of my relatives to cancer. It's inevitable with our genes. I just hate that this uncle may pass soon. He is very health-conscience. He jogs the beach in Florida every morning, eats very healthy, and has a wonderful life. I grew very close to my uncle and aunt during the years I lived in Florida. Their house was almost like my parents' house - not in style or size but warmth and expectations. Uncle Don and my father are the most alike of all of my father's siblings (and he has four remaining siblings; he used to have six siblings). I saw these two somewhat as parents while I lived far away from my own; they saw me as one of their grandchildren (which is fitting, as my actual cousins are my middle-aged - I fit in better with their children, agewise).

And now, I am left with the task of finding focus to write lesson plans, grade papers, and getting geared up for another week of teaching high school students about purpose in writing. How do I separate myself? How do I simply do what needs to get done?

The Ides of March

Worked.
Went to rehearsal.
Planned lesson for tomorrow.
Still need to create a quiz for German.

No backstabbing.

Good times.

New Furniture

Jeremy and I went shopping for a new accent chair for our living room. I found one I really like at Art Van, and luckily, Jeremy likes it, too. I am hoping that we can go pick it up tomorrow. I am tired of our oversized furniture everywhere. I also think I have a plan for our oversized couch. Since we cannot afford a new living room set (I had my eye on a red loveseat and new end tables), I think I will buy new stuffing for the cushions, as well as some new accent pillows that will tie in the colors and the decor style.

New MySpace layout and other useless information

It's official...I'm totally addicted to MySpace. I decided to revamp the look. While it isn't as personalized as I would like, it looks much better than it did.

Does this really warrant a blog entry? No. I'm just having trouble finding my rhythm during my midwinter break, and my newfound inspiration is only leading to somewhat tawdry short stories and (extremely) short scripts, which I have no intention of sharing at this juncture. What I should really be focusing on is poetry - I need to start teaching poetry this coming week. I'd like to teach everything through a slam poetry approach, but I don't know if my school really embraces that. I should ask, but I am afraid of what I will hear.

I remember going to poetry readings as a teenager. Not a single one of my students has been to one (or no one is willing to admit they had attended one). If I had my own room instead of teaching from a cart, I think I would be able to convert the space into a coffee house and show them what something like that would be like. I found them exciting. I learned peoples' secrets and fears. I learned about perspective through others' metaphors.

I am considering asking James to come in to talk to my students about slam poetry. He has been involved with numerous slams in Kalamazoo and Battle Creek over the years, and I think his explanation and demonstration could really reach some of these students.

Any thoughts out there?

...

My mom was in a minor car accident this morning. We hadn't spoken since last weekend, when my mom and I argued about going to some stupid bridal show. She said the woman who hit her did not speak English well, and the woman's husband told her to get back in the car right after the collision. They then drove away. My mother was not able to get the license plate.

My mom is upset because her vehicle is still quite new. She bought one year ago yesterday. While that is terrible, I am just happy my mom is okay and that we were able to talk today.

I'm having a 'damn foreigners' moment. I live near many immigrants - mostly from India, as Canton is definitely a haven for Indians. They are quiet and reserved neighbors, but it takes them a while to grow accustomed to controlled traffic - I think they don't know all of the rules, but we isse them a license anyway. Traffic is very chaotic and unregulated in India, so daily, I see people driving through while children are crossing the streets. I see people pull out into traffic when there are no breaks in the line of cars (I've see several collisions near my complex).

I hope that my mom has her car fixed quickly and affordably.

The strangest part about my mom's phone call was that she was only calling to ask if I wanted the hockey tickets this weekend. She told me about the accident later in the call...and much later in the day. I've done the same to her, though. My dad and I usually wait until she is out of work for the day to tell her when something happens to either Autumn or myself.

Point A to Point B

How did I go from being concerned about the driving in freezing rain to the "bitchy daughter who acts like [she] knows everything"?

I called my mother this morning to let her know I didn't really want to drive to Waterford to attend some (lame-ass) bridal show at the very hotel that Jack Kevorkian assisted suicide years ago. The weather isn't the greatest, and I didn't want to pay the $10.00 per ticket to have a bunch of vendors try to sell me things I don't want at my wedding (which will probably not take place for another years or so, or possibly never if Jeremy and I follow suit with the trend of our relationship). I said that I didn't think the roads would be the best, and there are many other shows we could go to that are a lot closer coming up in the next month.

This is when things went sour. My mother (the control freak, that she is) goes off, stating that I act like I know everything and this was just to "gather ideas". She then stated that Jeremy's mother must be butting in (which she hasn't, and has no plans to do, as per our discussion Friday night at dinner when she gave a handy-dandy wedding planning guide that lists just about everything step-by-step with charts and a nifty file folder system to keep track of it all).

I kept trying to calm my mother down, but she was off on a tirade, as usual. She said she had changed her mind, anyway, and wanted to go to one in Ann Arbor. Once again, I reminded her that the weather was not the best for driving and there are plenty of other expos over the next few months. She started yelling, and then said that I started the argument, claiming that I act like I know everything (hell...I should know about this. I used to help plan the gala receptions for my co-ed fraternity, AND I completed all of the planning for my sister's wedding while my parents went to work - my parents made me organize and coordinate everything that they had chosen).

I explained that Jeremy and I are broke, and a wedding is still far off in the future. She claimed that she and my dad will "help". That made me upset, as they paid for my sister's wedding in its entirety AND they paid for her bridal shower. They also gave my sister and her husband a big check as a present and told my sister not to tell me. I understand that times have changed and my dad is now retired. But, wouldn't it be nice to be treated equally? My mother is the most judgmental person I have ever known, and I know if my wedding isn't at least as nice as Autumn's, she will spend the rest of her life telling me how mine should have been better.

I tried to remain calm, but I told her to "shut up". I apologized immediately, started crying, and then tried to resolve everything. She tried to bring my dad into all of this, but I told her to grow up and deal with her own problems. She then spent ten minutes trying to end the phone with rude comments when she would start to hang up. I decided that I would not let her treat me the way that her mother treats her. I told her not to treat me that way, as I would simply not be treated like crap and take it.

She then said I can call her when I want to settle this. That's fine by me. I won't be calling - that doesn't hurt me one bit. In fact, I am far less stressed when I don't have to put up with her bitchery.

Now, I am thinking of calling all of it off. It's not like anything will be different. I just won't have to put up with the crazy wedding-planning nightmare.

February 2007

So far, this year is going very well.

Jeremy proposed on Valentine's Day where we had one of our first dates in 2000. I will have to post some photos of the ring soon.

I am in three music ensembles - the Canton Concert Band, the percussion ensemble, and now the pit band for Beauty and Beast.

I am writing much more. I may even have a couple of manuscripts to send out by the end of Spring Break.

I am getting really into teaching German, as well as Shakespeare (but we all knew I am good at getting my students to understand and enjoy Shakespeare! I have a published article all about how to do that.).

I will be starting my graduate classes in the spring session (I didn't want to walk into a class having missed two of the class periods).

I am beginning to feel like I am part of the community at my school, although I don't want to be there too long. I will still be interviewing elsewhere in the Detroit area. It is nice to be part of something, though. I am buddying up with a number of people who are also new teachers there, as well as some 'seasoned veterans'. I have hit it off with one student teacher, in particular. I think it is that we share a common bond - we both attended the same high school. He graduated two years after me, but knowing that he comes to this school with a similar background is good. He's a nice guy; the kids really respond to him, and he is thrilled about teaching. That attitude is infectious. Being around people like that make me a better teacher.

I have been hanging out with friends. I cut some of them out, like MP, and my stress level has gone way down. I am only surrounding myself with the people who matter, the people who care.
I have been doing some interesting photography. I will probably upload some of the images to my myspace account. I really need to do more nautical photography this summer. I think Jeremy and I will be able to sail with his parents more than last year.

I feel healthier than I have in a long time. I am enjoying life. I am going out of my way to walk and exercise. I will be getting my bike tuned up for spring. Jeremy and I are going to create a daily routine of riding bikes and doing other types of exercise. I still cannot convince him to try yoga, though.

Tomorrow, I will be meeting with Jeremy's parents to discuss wedding plans.

On Saturday, my mother is taking me to a small bridal expo.

Jeremy and I already know that we want, for the most part. I just need to make sure my mother and my future mother-in-law don't try to take over. Autumn went through that nightmare a few years ago. I am setting things up my way right away. I could probably have this thing planned and ready to go in about a month, just because I take care of things as soon as possible, but I want Jeremy to be involved. That will stretch this out. That will also give me time to lose more weight, so I am ready for a honeymoon backpacking through Europe or hiking in New Zealand.

...So much to think about...

I still have to grade 75 English tests and 50 German tests tonight. I also need to create graphic organizers for Act III of Julius Caesar for my tenth graders. Then, I have to write letters to my seminar (study hall) students' parents. I don't think I have time to work on one of my manuscripts tonight - what a downer! Perhaps I will have time for two hours of writing tomorrow.

Engaged!

I'm engaged!!!

Fate again

I think I know what the message is.

Reconnect with people!

I bumped into yet another old friend on Monday, when I was shopping on my "inclement weather" day. It is obvious that I have been out of the loop with these people, and it is time for me to reconnect with those who were there in the beginning and along the way. Many of my old friends seem to be finding themselves and finding what will sustain the lives they've chosen. I have done that, but I don't feel I have found the specific school district that is best for me. It is adequate - I found a job in the Detroit area, which is quite difficult for anyone opting to teach high school English at this juncture. I do realize what a blessing it is to have a German major in addition to my English major - it is the primary reason I have my current position. I am just hoping that I will be able to add in a little bit of music at some point. I am performing in a band again, and I may be starting to give lessons soon. I have a few leads; I am working on location details (school or in my home).

Today is the second "inclement weather" day. I am thankful for the extra hours of rest, but I tend to get so lazy. I need to fold laundry and find books on teaching poetry for a student teacher at my school. I've mostly been sitting around.

Fate and other thoughts

I have never before believed in fate. Yesterday, though, it was so obvious. I was exactly where I was supposed to be.

I started my evening with dinner out with two friends from high school. We had been trying to meet for quite a while, so it was great to see them.

I decided, after a reluctant bout, to help chaperone the Coming Home dance at my school. On my drive there, I talked to Mike on the phone. He was surprised to find that I was being so dedicated to my school - I haven't been very loyal and supportive toward my school thus far.

When I arrived, I was welcomed by the other staff members who didn't really expect to see me. I helped with coats, crowd control, photos, and then spent the latter part of the night preparing drinks for the students. I was even able to goof around a bit with one of our student teachers, an attractive man that graduated from my high school two years after me. It was great to talk to someone who had a similar background.

After the dance, several of the teachers met at The Tap Room in Ypsi. I hadn't originally planned on going, but I decided that it might be good for me to get out.

Soon after arriving, I saw an old friend - Noah. I haven't seen Noah in about a year. We were good friends two years ago when I worked at the hotel. We would hang out and drink, which was always a welcomed vacation from my eighty-hour workweek. Somewhere along the way, he started to like me, which made work awkward. I still remained his friend, and we've kept in touch minimally. I usually just stay in touch with a mutual friend, James.

I hollered his name, and he turned, totally stunned. He had never before visited Ypsi, and it is just such a weird coincidence that he was in the same bar I was visiting for the first time. I truly believe there is a reason I saw him. I don't know what that reason is, but it was necessary for me to be in that place, especially since I had planned not to go.

We talked for about twenty minutes before exchanging our new phone numbers. He ended up calling to see if I wanted to hang out around 2 AM, when I was leaving The Tap Room (yes...we closed the bar). His brother and friend were teasing him as he tried (TRIED) to talk to me (he was quite drunk). I got the impression, from what the other guys were saying, that he had been talking about me after we met in the bar. He begged me to drive back to Ypsi to party with them. I didn't think that would be a good move, so I continued on my way home. At the end of our conversation, he called me 'honey'. Although I usually get pissed about this sort of thing, it actually made me feel good. Jeremy and I have found ourselves in yet another rut. I would like to start planning a wedding, but he still hasn't asked.

Here's a thought...I should plan the wedding and reception, but I should leave a groom's name off, just for now. If Jeremy does follow through, then he will be the one. If he doesn't, then I will have a big party to celebrate my release "back into the wild". What do you think?

Wesley Wagner (1989 - 2006)

Wesley W. (1989 - 2006)

I did a search on myspace for some of my very first students today, just to see if some of my predictions about the high school years would be accurate. Some were. Dead - on accurate. Others...not so much.

These particular students are now 16/17 years old and live in Sebastian, Florida. I happened to find this about Wesley, one of my favorite students.

We, as teachers, try not to pick favorites, but some students stand out and inevitably become ones we attach ourselves to. Wesley was definitely one of those few.

He was the first student whose name I learned on the very first day I taught at SRMS. When I began my first day of teaching there, he introduced himself and asked if I needed help with anything. He had a great sense of humor and was so bright. He was the most positive, sweet kid. He was eager to help pass out papers or get involved in projects with others. He was a little hyper, but he was passionate about academics and strived to be the best student in his class. He became involved in a variety of activities and continued that as he advanced in school.

He is among the top 5 from all of my years teaching (4 of the 5 actually are from his class!). I had planned to fly down to Florida in 2008 to see this particular group of students graduate. They were my students in middle school from 2002 to 2003, and I have this incredibly strong feeling of devotion to them.

Now, I don't want to go. Some of my favorites have moved away from the area, and Wesley died last summer. When I found the information on Friday, I just sat weeping. I'm not doing much better.

How can he be gone? How can he really be dead? Why didn't the teachers at SRMS contact me when it happened?

It's so strange. In my head, I can still see him at his desk. He is moving around. He turns sideways to talk to Chris. I can still hear his voice in my head. He is telling a joke and messing up the punchline.

This is the second student I have lost. Why do I stay in this profession when I know that my attachment to my students will devour me in times like these?

Rest in peace, Wesley. You are missed.

Second semester = fresh start

This week has been a vast improvement from last week and many of the weeks prior to that. My students have a new daily routine, courtesy of me, and they are adjusting quite well. I don't think I have ever had them engaged for so much of the class period before. I am hoping this change will continue to provide me with less stress from my job.

I'm in...for the second time this month!

I just received my acceptance letter for grad school at EMU! I will be receiving my official letter from the Office of Admissions in a week or so. I have to contact the coordinator to plan out my class load and thesis schedule (for a couple of years from now).

While EMU is NOT my first choice, it does have an adequate program with flexible scheduling. I am hoping that I can finish this quickly. I may do a master's program for German at Wayne State in a couple of years.

I started power walking with Claire today. It went well. More again tomorrow.

NO SCHOOL!!!

I had planned to pull together some sort of review activity this morning, as the ones I had used in the past weren't really what I was seeking this time around. Luckily, school is closed today, so I don't need to do anything. I will just give my exams tomorrow morning and the next day.

I was so happy to answer the phone this morning! Now, I can focus on cleaning and grading essays.

Seeking Buyer

I believe I have finally found a buyer for my little xylophone. I restored it and have not found many who are willing to spend the time (or money) to take care of it properly. I am hoping to sell it by the end of the week. I could use the extra money, as well as the extra space in my spare bedroom.

My marimba already takes up one wall, and I would like to set up my computer. I would also like to set up my keyboard - I will be connecting the synthesizer to the computer to aid in charting all of my compositions. I just may be able to put together several of my songs. I should see what it would take to become a songwriter. Most of the venues I've checked out offer very poor deals for the writer/composer. Where is the sense in that?

...

Semester exams...half days...kicking up a stronger regiment of exercise...rehearsal...many things to look forward to...

Survival

I see myself "surviving" this week and next. There is simply no magic here. My students are antsy; the semester end is creeping closer and closer. It is difficult to cultivate deep thoughts in students when they are inundated with projects and papers. I see them surviving, as well. Some will be okay, others will continue to rattle cages.

I have decided to change some of my class policies for the second semester. It will be a tough transition, but the school needs certain things and I know of only a few ways to achieve them. It will be an uphill battle, but I am ready.

I'M IN!!!

I received an email today from the local community band...I'm in! I will start off the new season with rehearsal this Thursday night. I am thrilled. I haven't been part of a group in a while. I've been teaching percussion technique since 2001, though, so I have kept up with it.

I'm in!

I'm in!

I'm in!

I returned to work today. It wasn't quite as aggravating as I had anticipated, although I really began to wonder why I hadn't gone into computer programming & networking or business...or something even more lucrative. I chose a career field in which I could impact others. I don't always feel like I make that impact, especially when reading articles like this, but I keep trying.

I also set up a weekly fitness schedule with another teacher at work. She has been a rock for me this year, so I am happy she feels like she and I can work out and be friends. I seem to becoming friends with many of the older teachers. I find many of the younger teachers somewhat wishy-washy about their education ideals. There is one, however, who has not been a part of that. I like that she is a well-rounded and kind person who seems to know what is going on. I can go to her with some of my concerns about being one of the "younger" teachers and she understands where I am coming from. I may ask her if she would like to join us.

Now, all I am waiting for is the final word from Eastern - one of my references failed to send his letter on time. I will probably begin in the spring or possibly next fall. If that is the case, I may decide to just go to Wayne State. That is my first choice, anyhow. Jeremy is supposed to upgrade to captain in a couple of months, which will set us up a little bit better financially. I can consider working a different type of job while going to school. Preferably one that does not entail me grading essays all the time. The problem is that I won't have the income I have now. I hate moving backward, but it might be necessary.

Feeling a little goofy tonight...

LISH...lish...Lish...LISH...lish...Lish...LISH...lish...Lish...LISH...lish...Lish...LISH...lish...Lish...LISH...lish...Lish...LISH...lish...Lish...LISH...lish...Lish...LISH...lish...Lish...LISH...lish...Lish...LISH...lish...Lish...LISH...lish...Lish...LISH...lish...Lish...LISH...lish...Lish...LISH...lish...Lish...LISH...lish...Lish...LISH...lish...Lish...LISH...lish...Lish...LISH...lish...Lish...LISH...lish...Lish...LISH...lish...Lish...LISH...lish...Lish...LISH...lish...Lish...LISH...lish...Lish...LISH...lish...Lish...LISH...lish...Lish...LISH...lish...Lish...LISH...lish...Lish...LISH...lish...Lish...LISH...lish...Lish...LISH...lish...Lish...LISH...lish...Lish...LISH...lish...Lish...LISH...lish...Lish...LISH...lish...Lish...LISH...lish...Lish...LISH...lish...Lish...LISH...lish...Lish...LISH...lish...Lish...LISH...lish...Lish...LISH...lish...Lish...LISH...lish...Lish...LISH...lish...Lish...LISH...lish...Lish...LISH...lish...Lish...LISH...lish...Lish...LISH...lish...Lish...LISH...lish...Lish...LISH...lish...Lish...LISH...lish...Lish...LISH...lish...Lish...LISH...lish...Lish...LISH...lish...Lish...LISH...lish...Lish...LISH...lish...Lish...LISH...lish...Lish...LISH...lish...Lish...LISH...lish...Lish...

Date day

I drove to Waterford and spent the day with Jeremy. His trip had him just resting at a hotel for nine hours, so I decided to go visit. We went to Great Lakes Crossing and a couple of other places. I cannot remember the last time we just went out and had a date. It was so nice to escape the norm of our relationship.

Tomorrow we may drive up to Waterford again to see Joel, who, oddly enough, is now staying at the same hotel where Jeremy was today.


Other things on my mind...

#1 I have been working on my query and cover letters for fiction submissions. I am currently seeking agents and organizations. I plan to have a handful of stories out by February/March. I need to talk to J.D. Dolan at Western. He was always so helpful when I was in college (undergrad & grad), so I think I will ask him for a couple of contacts he would recommend. Most of my writing falls into the same genre as the bulk of Dolan's writing. Before sending them out, though, I will have Eric and possbily Brendan do several critiques (AGAIN!).

#2 I watched the hockey game tonight. I miss going to games. Perhaps I will ask my parents if they are willing to sell me some of their tickets. They usually just give them to me, but I would like to go more than once every six months.

#3 I absolutely LOVE doing housework. I always feel like I've accomplished something, even when all I did was wash the dishes.

Dave Chappelle as Rick James

Welcome, 2007!

You are a much needed escape from the trials of 2006.


Changes from the previous status quo:


1. Limit alcohol consumption to one to two drinks per month.

2. No fast food, not even when pressed for time.

3. No pizza, unless I make organic homemade pizza. (I will miss you, Jet's Pizza!)

4. A minimum of thirty minutes of cardio every day.

5. Count calories daily. Limit for first month = 1600, second month = 1500, third month = 1350...we'll see beyond that.

6. Follow a daily chore schedule for each room in my home.

7. Read at least two books (novels, biographies, etc.) each month.

8. Do yoga three times per week.

9. Join a music ensemble - I think Canton is looking at its newest percussionist.

10. Go to my doctor's regularly - dentist, regular physician, urologist (for my kindey stone problem), dietician, OB-GYN (to be honest, I am still holding off on this one).

Im Kopf.

Mein Kopf tut mir weh! Es ist keinem Kater, aber ich bin doch ausgetrocknet. Ich habe viel zu viel Stress und Ideen.

Counting calories and more

I am stressed and my little obsessive-compulsive traits are really starting to shine.

I scrubbed every inch of my bathroom today, using an old toothbrush to scrub the small nooks and crannies around moldings, etc. I took a short break (exactly 5 minutes) and began to scrub my kitchen the same way. All of my dishes are put away, and the handles for all of my coffee mugs match, for once.

I balanced my checkbook, paid all of my bills for the next month, printed out my recipes for vegetarian chili, started my laundry (separated by color and fabric type), vacuumed the stairs (AGAIN), and I have just taken another short break to write this. In twenty minutes, I will write in my journal - after I vacuum my living room furniture (I am hoping to buy a new set of furniture within one month!). I already planned and printed out a visual representation of my interior design idea.

I didn't eat the healthiest meal this morning. I had waffles, but I used organic preserves and I have been very active today. I have to make up for my poor judgment and willpower later with steamed vegetables and tofu - which could actually come out tasting great.

Jeremy is giving a flying lesson, so I have time to hop in the shower and go shopping...or maybe I will complete all of my work for the rest of the semester. I will most likely have grad classes to worry about when I am returning to my school, so I want to put myself ahead of the game.

I am working on several songs that I can sing and play with the ukulele. I am surprised how quickly I am picking it up. It just sucks that I feel I need to play each chord progression and song three times (perfectly) before I can go on to some other task.

I still need to finish decorating my tree.

All I ever do is whine

I am the reason my life is so boring. Not Jeremy. Not my job. Not my friends.

I have been hiding.

When I began my career, I used to hang out with friends from work. That didn't turn out so well. A friend of one of these friends began acting in a not-so-appropriate way. We all drank a lot, so I figured he was just goofy. It progressed to the point that he was calling me ten times a day, on average - with some days nearing twenty. When I finally had had enough, I called him out on his behavior and commented that he must be on drugs. Unfortunately, he WAS on drugs and my commentary did not create the desired effect - him leaving me alone. Instead, he went into a downward spiral of alcohol and cocaine abuse. He tried to turn my friends against me, which worked for about a month. It all unfolded one day when T. was arrested for possession of cocaine and driving while intoxicated. Our friends were shocked; even though I could see the problem, they couldn't. My friends apologized to me, but I never did lower my guard and enjoy a night out with them again. They were understanding when it I explained my reservations and they kept trying to earn my trust again, but they never succeeded. I do not easily forgive anything, and I never forget.

When I moved back to Michigan, I took on three jobs. I worked eighty hours a week, but I managed to hang out with my new friends from the school and from the hotel. Somewhere in there, I managed to complete a decent amount of graduate coursework. I felt like things were getting better. I felt it was important to support my friends in their creative expressions, i.e. poetry slams, lounge singing, etc., and I made it a regular practice to be there for them. In turn, I found myself the conquest of not one, but two men. While this may sound flattering, it really wasn't. I don't know how to react when someone is interested. I always feel like I should like that person back, regardless of my own relationship status with others. One of the two has lingered in my life, remaining a friend and always acknowledging that I am devoted to Jeremy. I feel weird that he likes me. He calls every few weeks to "check on me". It's nice to have a friend, but I think he is hoping that things won't work out between me and Jeremy. When I originally started hanging out with him, Jeremy and I weren't doing so well. We were adjusting to a new location, and we had experienced an awful year prior to that.
The other guy, N., was a really sweet guy. On the surface, he is a wild man, and that is what most believe him to be. I was able to see him, though. We had deep conversations about life and experiences and lessons learned. When we were out drinking, he looked after me - which I thought was very kind. He and I usually traded off DD responsibilities to let everyone else enjoy themselves. We'd laugh and joke. I thought I had found a great friend; he thought he had found something more. He made his move, which I kindly resisted. It was awkward at work for a while - he and I were usually scheduled during the same shifts at the hotel. And that thought stirred in me - should I like him? I toyed with the idea of trying to like him in that way, but my heart belongs to Jeremy and has been a fixed point for many years. There would be no sense in throwing away what I have for someone I can't see a future with.

Last year, I took a job at a different school and moved away. I moved to a small town in the middle of nowhere. I thought my life would be moving forward - I even met up with a couple of my coworkers several times. It all seemed to be going well, even though I was living two-and-a-half hours away from all the people I care about most. Then, a coworker started to make inappropriate comments to me. First, physical comments. Then, he began making a series of sexual comments about me and Jeremy. It got worse. Despite my efforts to stop his behavior, he moved on to try to make physical contact with me. Jeremy was upset. I was upset. I was doing everything in my power to avoid this man in the building. I didn't want to work. I was miserable while there. The man was coming into my classrooms while I was teaching and would try to make contact with me. I ended up going to my supervisors and reporting his harassment. Another woman in the building was experiencing the same behavior. Luckily, my bosses dealt with the problem quickly and correctly. The man was not allowed at any social events for the staff, and his participation in building-wide meetings was prohibited.

I moved again in July. I thought moving closer to "home" would help me live my life more actively. I hate that I want to hang out with my friends. I hate that I want to step back into the social scene because it never seems to work out right.

But I am miserable staying home.

I think I am a magnet for people with issues, but I don't feel empowered now that I am not experiencing these problems. I know what being empowered feels like - it's the feeling of fighting off someone who is trying to force himself on you. It's knowing that I can go out and take care of myself - that problems will NOT follow me. It's a comfortable feeling that allows me to speak in more than a whisper in a restaurant or bar. It's that feeling of being in control of my own life.

I don't feel in control.

And I am not having any fun.

The boredom is killing me!

I feel the need to get out and do something wild. I really dislike living like some old school marm, but that is the life I am leading.

Please help me out of this rut!

Sore toes and early mornings

I've been blaming my lack of activity on an injured toe. It has been much better lately, but I am still using this as a way to avoid chores.

Random Saturday thoughts

Jeremy and I woke early and decided to see Borat. While it was funny overall, I was left feeling a little disappointed. My friends have been raving about it, but I didn't find all of the situations all that inspired. It showed a negative side of Americans, despite the fact that the character and the given situations were fictional. I did like that it brought to light cultural discrimination, but to believe that the Kazakhstan presented was a true depiction of the people and their heritage is ridiculous.

Perhaps the lengthy (nude) man-on-man wrestling match just left me annoyed. It wasn't a pleasant sight.

In any case, Jeremy and I went shopping this afternoon. I bought two shirts and two sweaters from REI, as well as a kayak pricing guide. They've dropped their prices somewhat on womens' clothing. Afterward, we went to Kohl's, where I tried on about thirty different outfits. I was actually enjoying myself, that is, until Jeremy started to whine about having to wait for me. He's the one who wanted to check out professional clothing! Oh well, maybe he just met his limit of pushy women fighting over clearance rack clothing.

My life is so boring. I suggested that we go salsa dancing tonight in Ypsilanti, but Jeremy has plans to meet up with someone who is leaving his company. I will probably sit at home and read (I assigned my students a Steinbeck novel and I am not yet done reading it!). I will do a load of laundry, and scrub the kitchen. I want to organize one section of the basement and the spare bedroom (music room). My dad just gave me his old keyboard; he bought a new weighted-key keyboard. I think I might be going over my parents' house more to practice - God, do I miss having a piano. I gave mine away when I moved back from Florida.

Mike's hamster died. I feel awful because there is nothing I can do to cheer him up.

Sometimes...

Sometimes I hate you.

Balancing me

I celebrated Halloween in my own way this past week. Since then, my life seems to have balanced a bit. I am focusing on making my personal life better, and it is actually making my professional life much better. I am enjoying teaching German much more than teaching English and Freshman Seminar, though.

Yesterday, I went to a bar with several of my colleagues. We had a decent time. The conversations have not changed drastically among the colleagues from all of the schools where I have worked, but it felt nice to be included in the exchange of ideas.

Last night, Jeremy and I met up with my parents and attended a concert in Cherry Hill Village. We really need to do things like that more often.

Anyway...I just received my letter from EMU. My letters have not yet arrived in the admissions department. That is all I am waiting on. So, I should be starting my MA in English in January, and possibly starting an MA in German in a couple of years.

Just another 'Oh, poor me' post

Self-indulgent whining.

I am frustrated this evening.

I am becoming ill. I feel it in my sinuses. I feel in my shoulders. I feel it in my shins. Time is not on my side. I had to make a mad dash to te post office this morning because we didn't have any stamps left. Jeremy only gets called into work one day a week, and he had said that he would buy stamps a couple of weeks ago (he has used every last one of mine). Unfortunately, he did not make good on this promise and I had to get things in the mail today, which meant I had to pull myself together with all of the housecleaning and laundry and drive all over creation to get where I needed.

I stopped by the store on my way to buy a couple of items that Jeremy had already used throughout the week, despite the fact that he has a freezer full of chicken and turkey. Sometimes, I don't think he cares that I buy things for me, too. I usually pick up the tab for groceries (he never seems to have money after his loan payment), and he eats the majority of the food. He uses everything I NEED for my lunches, and neglects the items I buy for him. I cannot eat these items, as I am a vegetarian.

I am not made of money. I took a pay cut to move to this side of the state, and he just keeps finding ways for me to use all of my cash. Shelves. Food. Storage bins because he can't afford a dresser yet. Food. Toiletries. Food. A bike so he won't have to ride alone. More food.

I have nothing to eat for dinner - at least none of the stuff I purchased for myself. I am determined to not order anything, so I think I will be eating corn and broccoli with a side of cereal with milk I hope has not yet turned (the expiration date was a couple of days ago).

Jeremy offered to make enchiladas (I fucking HATE enchilada sauce - which I tell him every time he wants me to buy it). I'm sure he will use all of the cheddar. He doesn't seem to know how to make proper portions with anything.

I considered labeling all of my food, but wouldn't that make me a total bitch?

We went to the hardware store to buy weather stripping for our front door. Guess who paid? Guess who drove? Guess who always drives?

Oh, and his food is almost ready. He just offered to go pick up a pizza or something for me when he is done eating.

He hasn't been like this in a long time...what is going on?

Cider Mills, old friends and memories

Jeremy and I spent the afternoon with a good friend of his - Nathan. Nathan is a pilot and was on the second-to-last leg of his trip back to Houston, Texas. Nathan and Jeremy go way back - their families are close friends, and have been since before they had children, some thirty years ago. Nathan wanted to go to Franklin Cider Mill, an annual tradition his family kept until 1992 when they moved to Florida. I don't think he could have been happier visiting his old stomping grounds. The drizzle wasn't going to get in our way. We had donuts and cider. I haven't had a donut in almost a year, and it was a welcomed treat.

I told myself to get to bed early tonight, but I cannot seem to turn off the baseball game and march upstairs.

Something about tonight takes me back. I don't know if it is the weather or just the time of year. Perhaps it is the act of visiting a cider mill and drinking cider. In any case, I feel linked to nights years back, when Jeremy and I were both still in college. I used to call him late at night. I'd pick him up and take him back to my place. His roommates were convinced these calls were booty calls, and no matter how much Jeremy tried to explained that it wasn't like that, they just didn't seem to want to believe that two able-bodied college students could have the self-control to not have sex. I loved spending the night next to him. There was always something so comforting about feeling him breathe while he lay next to me. The neighbors would burn leaves outside, and I would cuddle up next to Jeremy - content. We slept in my little twin bed, arms tangled under blankets. We have a bigger bed now, with more blankets and pillows, but we still sleep tangled together, warm and content.

updating a boring life

Autumn visited today. It was nice to actually have a conversation with her - we've really never done that at length. We normally don't see eye-to-eye on anything, and our lives haven't traveled in the same direction.

I wonder if others encounter the same distance in their relationships with siblings. I think she sees me as the person I used to be. We didn't spend any time together while I was in college, or after I graduated - for that matter. Those were my formative years. I spent my teen years uncomfortable and awkward. I was itching to leave, and when I did, I was finally able to figure out how I fit into the world.

One of my cats started "talking" to her. Up till now, this particular cat has only talked to Jeremy and me. This cat is the smarter of the two, and I think Autumn and I must smell or sound similar or something like that. Natalie seemed to know that it would be okay to talk to this person she has seen only once or twice before.


Jeremy is out for the evening. A close friend of his is up from Texas, so he decided to get catch up. I thought I would go to bed early, but I found all this energy to do some research, write and watch a little TV.

I didn't grade any papers today. I need to finish everything by noon tomorrow. Jeremy, Nathan and I are going to a cider mill. I haven't been to one in so long...I am excited.

strange brew

No...this post has nothing to do with a movie.
I just feel odd today. I became severely dehydrated today at work. I lost partial vision in my right eye. I have experienced this before, but it hit me like a ton of bricks. My students in fifth hour were absolutely wonderful. They kept refilling my water bottle for me and they stayed quiet the entire class period - which is uncommon. When I got home, I created a really tastey concoction to hydrate myself quickly. Perhaps I will post the recipe soon.

The end of the first quarter is quickly approaching, and I couldn't be happier.
My students seem to be raising their grades without much prompting from me.
I have a lot of energy today - that might be due to the new vitamins I am taking.
I feel healthy.
Today is the first day my shoulder and neck haven't been killing me.
I worked.
I spoke to a parent.
I spent time with Jeremy before he left for St. Louis (he'll be training until Friday).
I ate a healthy dinner and two healthy snacks today.
I attended my class in Dearborn, which is always great.
I cleaned the bathroom.
I cleaned my bedroom.
I did two loads of laundry.
I graded papers.
I planned tomorrow's activities.
I organized several binders to show my students how to complete a project.
I did the dishes.
I had a department meeting.
And my two former professors sent my recommendation letters.

Busy day. Good day.

Running behind

I have never before felt like time was moving so quickly. I am in constant pain - my shoulder and neck have been aching for over a week now, I feel depressed because I have no time to enjoy life (although yesterday I went to a ukulele class, which was lovely), I am arguing with Jeremy about things that don't really matter, and I cannot seem to get my students' papers graded, entered into the gradebook and returned in a timely fashion.

I was planning on riding my bike this morning, but it has yet to happen.

Big things I need to do by Wednesday of this week:

Resubmit my grad school app to one school with a revised start date (Jan. 2007)
Decide on my new living room furniture so that I can start saving for that
Clean my townhouse
Get a library card
do my lesson plans for the next two weeks (preferably with high-energy, interactive activities)
complete grading
contact parents of failing students
meet with my mentor
study for the MTTC
continue studying for the GRE (I want to get a higher score)
go to my evening class
Exercise for at least one hour each day
go grocery shopping
unpack three more boxes from the basement
visit with my parents
write Meredith and Katie (former neighbors from Florida) a letter
make a dentist appointment
make a doctor's appointment (hopefully, he will tell me to get massages weekly - but I really don't like being touched, especially by strangers)
wash my car before it gets even cooler
Call Diana
Call Becky
Call Melissa
Call Maureen
Call Brendan and invite him and Amanda over
Call Nathan
Keep bugging Jeremy to set up a savings account and start depositing into a 401K
Contact a financial person for myself to continue depositing into a 403B

Someone Gone

You were in my thoughts.
I could have used your jokes today.
I miss you.

School safety

I have been on my boss's case about pulling together a practice code red drill at my school. I have been telling her since before the school year began that we need to have procedures in place. We recently got to the point that I raised my voice to her that she has not provided a safe environment for her students and staff.

She has been repeating that violence like what's been happening elsewhere (Canada, Colorado, Pennsylvania, and Wisconsin) "won't happen here." I have not been accepting that easily. She didn't want to run a drill because it was too much to worry about. In addition, she does not even require exterior doors be closed throughout the day.

The local police departments have just ordered her to do several practice drills this week. I was going to speak to our union rep tomorrow to discuss my concerns with inadequate safety.

Who knew that I would be taking my life in my hands by teaching in a high school?

Birthdays

Tomorrow is my twenty-sixth birthday. I don't know when it happened, but I stopped getting excited about the annual event. I'm not afraid of growing older. In fact, I like the idea. I just have that blah feeling. My mother called to ask if I wanted my favorite birthday cake tomorrow (chocolate mousse cake - yum!), and I told her I don't know. I really don't know what I want.

I asked for a bicycle helmet so that I can take my bike off the paved trails.
I asked for shelving units for my basement.
I asked my dad to run electricity throughout the basement so that I can have an outlet away from the laundry tub.

Do I really need these things? I suppose not, although the helmet may help me stay alive on the trails I plan to ride.

I am aware that birthdays are a way for us to become aware that life IS moving forward, but my life feels like it is at a standstill.


Some of my friends deal with birthdays differently. Some throw themselves parties.
Some just gather friends in small setting. Some continue like it is just another day.
Perhaps I should just disappear for a day. Maybe I'll wake up early and go to the bridge I like in Hines and take some pictures.

I feel exhausted. Yesterday, Jeremy and I scrubbed the apartment. Well, I scrubbed...Jeremy straightened up rooms. His parents came to visit, and I couldn't bear to let them see how things had taken a turn for the worse.
I thought I'd have more energy. My cold is almost gone and I've been eating healthy. I'm even sleeping enough to hit REM sleep, and the dreams have been extremely vivid. I think that may have something to do with the cold medicine I've been taking, though.

NO SLEEPING ALLOWED

I have too much to do, too much to say

I need to:
hang a mirror
clean my entire townhouse (basement, living room, kitchen, hallway, stairs (both sets), bedroom, spare room, bathroom, landing)
do laundry
rearrange rooms (spare room, living room)
get Jeremy a dresser
hire an electrictian to run electricity throughout the basement
bike - no less than 18 miles tomorrow
grade papers, tests
enter grades into the system
take out trash
do more gardening (I pruned the front plants - a lilac bush and a shrub, and I pulled these overgrown flowers - I did replant one of the root bulbs in one of my planters. I need to buy a yucca and a rose bush (spring, maybe) and plant the crocus bulbs I bought today for spring)
check online accounts (email, blogs, bank, credit cards, memberships)
sort and file papers (at least my creative writing is in tubs, apart from everything else)
gather my writing samples for grad school app's
finish my personal statement for grad school app's
plan for the week
prepare for Open House
prepare for my classes next week
get business cards made up for tutoring, as well as for percussion lessons
contact references to write letters of recommendation for grad school
hang photography
print photography
take boxes to Chuck and Paula (I need to find out where they live)
call Bren (to see if he and Amanda want to get together)
get a library card
check out benefits of getting a membership to the recreation center here
vacuum car (I am obsessive about keeping my car clean)
wash car
visit my parents and sister
visit with Maureen, Melissa, Mike at some point soon
order new ink for my nice pen
order/create resources for teaching German
meet with the other English 10 teachers to map out plans
decorate my home with Fall items
try to "finish" the basement w/o overstepping my bounds as a tenant in a rental property
make a dentist appt.
change my primary care physician and find a new doctor
visit a new doctor or two (perhaps a dietician)
make a birthday list
paint toenails
take a bubble bath and relax
buy shelving units for basement
look for a part time job (preferably teaching drums)
sand down wooden trim in home, finish wooden surfaces.
buy items for the patio, including accent stones for boundary of landscaping
sell small xylophone and paintings
buy new (smaller) living room furniture (preferably an eye-popping color like red to accent the black and white photos (except for one 8x10 that has a red lighthouse)
Print photos (yes, MOST of the photography I am using is my own! It's just too bad that the school dark room is now storage for the English dept. Perhaps I could create a dark room in my basement. I can take my dad's photo lab equipment whenever I want.)
donate excess computer and photo equipment to my school
meet with the principal to discuss my plan to better our chances of building a new high school (I have some solid ideas that worked at two other schools!)
invite my family over for dinner and drinks
study for my German exam in October
study for my second round of GRE testing (the first time around didn't give me the score I wanted)
take my class and study with Reenee
spend more time with my cats
start doing yoga more

AND THAT IS JUST AT THE TOP OF THE LIST.
HEAVEN, HELP ME!

New bike

I decided to buy a bike, despite my lowered funds. The sale price was so good that I couldn't pass it up. I went riding yesterday and today.

Back to normal as we know it

I received my insurance check and quickly deposited it. The workday today was chaotic. Nothing was organized, and I couldn't tell what was going on. I am feeling somewhat better about teaching off of a cart in others' rooms, but I would much rather have my own room. I will have key access to the English department office, which will help me to keep my belongings and materials safe overnight.

1st period: Freshman Seminar (Study Hall, study skills, grades and activities check-in) and collaboration days with my department chair (alternating days with another teacher)

2nd period: German 1

3rd period: Planning period (most likely in the English office)

4th period: English 10

A Lunch

5th period: English 10

6th period: English 10

7th period: German 1



Jeremy just called. I have to pick him up at the airport. He was on a trip he wasn't supposed to be on - an inept female pilot he works with decided to call in sick on Monday because she wanted to extend her weekend and stay up north (at least I think she was up north). In any case, Jeremy was called in to fly on an overnight trip, and then they extended his stay an extra night. I hope his coworker gets fired. She has done this too many times. We've had to cancel our scheduled (and approved) VACATIONS because she doesn't want to do her job. I firmly believe everyone should be given an equal shot at doing a job, but when people want privileges and do not perform like everyone else in the same job (they all receive equal pay), they should lose that job. It's that simple.
The old paradigm - Equal work, equal pay. We need to shift it around for those lazy people - equal pay, EQUAL work.

I learned that I work with a distant cousin at my school. Many of the older teachers have claimed that my last name sounds so familiar. I tell them that my parents, aunts, uncles and grandparents went to this high school, but they claim that that is not it. What else could it be?
I found my parents' composite photos in the hallway display at work today. I don't know what it is about seeing my parents so much younger that is interesting. I guess it's that I wasn't even someone they had dreamed up at that point. They existed outside of the reality of me. I have thought about this before, but seeing the places they used to walk and sit in school today made me feel odd.

New car!

I went to several Honda dealerships yesterday, and as fate would have it, I found the exact car I wanted - an alabaster silver 2006 Honda Civic LX at Howard Cooper Honda in Ann Arbor. It was fresh off the truck - it wasn't even unwrapped yet. It wasn't even prepared for a test drive. The salesman was so nice - no pressure to sell me anything. I think he knew that it would have sold today, no matter what. I was aware that every other car in their last shipment was already sold. I have been such a pest lately trying to get the car I want. I've called the sales staff constantly at four different dealerships.
I paid sticker price, which is something I really didn't want to do, but there is no incentive to try to make a deal with these cars - it is a very popular car for not only the incredible gas mileage (30/40) but also the standard safety features and low emissions.
I will be picking the car up on Monday or Tuesday, so things will be a lot more convenient very soon. I am glad, however, that I do know how to drive a manual transmission car.

Interview Tomorrow

I am starting to feel nervous about my interview tomorrow. I am not really worried about the drive - I am feeling much more proficient driving Jeremy's car. I have also decided that I will be purchasing a new car with my savings and then putting my insurance settlement in my savings account. Jeremy talked me out of doing this several weeks ago. We thought my check would be here by now.

high stress day

Went to collect my English texts for work. I asked where my classroom would be. Unfortunately, despite the previous principal's assurance that I would have a classroom of my own, the new principal has decided not to honor that. Instead, I will relocate every class period. I am pissed. I made it clear that I would never spend another year doing what I did this past year - teaching from a cart in other teachers' rooms. It's a nightmare. I know that my complaints may not lead to anything better, but I need to contact the principal tomorrow. I also know that if I am assigned one room, it will screw over one of my colleagues - which is never a good way to make a first impression.

Also, I have no office or area to base myself or store my class-related materials.


The second thing that got to me...Jeremy and I stopped for subs, which were awful.

I had to drive Jeremy's car. I am getting better at it - the clutch isn't such a hassle to me now, but I am not good at it. Not being skilled in such an area is very aggravating.

Had an argument with my dad.

When it rains, it pours, right?


Good news: MEEMIC has paid off my vehicle, and things should be settled by the end of the week. I am hoping to receive and deposit my check by Saturday morning. Then, I can get a car by Monday evening.

Oreos would be easier.

I hate working on me.

I wish my dysfunction led to incoherence.

Patience is a virtue

It may take a while to get my insurance check. I've been trying to make the most of not having wheels of my own - I've been driving Jeremy's car (I am definitely NOT comfortable driving a manual transmission vehicle). I've been getting my home set up. I planted pumpkins near my patio. I've been contacting old friends whom I hope to visit as soon as I have wheels of my own again - I think I will do a great deal of travelling once I am rolling again. I have been washing clothes. I have been writing a little. I rearranged several rooms and have started organizing my basement. I need to buy shelving units.

Birth chart findings

Rising Sign is in 13 Degrees Sagittarius
You are known for being open, frank, outgoing and honest. At times, though, you are also blunt and quite indiscreet. Others have to learn not to take everything you say personally, because you usually do not mean any harm. You appreciate living your life in a straightforward and simple manner -- you dislike social niceties and consider them to be hindrances to real communication. You have lots and lots of energy and tend to become quite restless if you feel confined. You demand the freedom to do as you choose -- you must be self- directed or you feel trapped and anxious. With your abundant energy, you enjoy being outdoors, and you should be attracted to physical exercise or to those forms of sport which can help you burn off some of that excess energy. Very gregarious, you love to socialize -- your innate enthusiasm livens up any gathering.

Sun is in 08 Degrees Libra.
Very sociable, you enjoy being with others and definitely prefer not be alone. Warm and affectionate, you go out of your way to make others like you. You despise ugliness, for you being surrounded by beauty and harmony is a necessity of life. You prefer fine clothing, an attractive home and pleasant surroundings wherever you are. Your refined tastes apply to music and to art as well. At times, you are very indecisive you waver and falter when forced to make a choice because you have the ability to see both sides of any question. The positive part of this is that you are very fair-minded and can be trusted to settle disputes. Your greatest challenge is to take any one- on-one encounter and make the most of it.

Moon is in 15 Degrees Cancer.
For the most part, you are very strong and secure emotionally. You intuitively know what to do to make others feel comfortable, loved, accepted and needed. You naturally enjoy feeding and taking care of others. Be careful that your mothering does not turn into smothering. At times, you tend to feel that those to whom you are attached can never do anything without your assistance and support. Extremely sensitive by nature, it hurts you deeply whenever anyone criticizes you. You have an almost desperate need to be loved and wanted and needed by everyone with whom you come into contact, and you go out of your way to be accommodating to them.

Mercury is in 02 Degrees Scorpio.
You are a born investigator. You are fascinated by secrets and mysteries and unanswered questions of any kind. When you become upset or angry, your emotional reactions are overpowering -- reason and logic disappear in an uncontrollable passionate outburst. You tend to keep your thoughts secret and bottled up and this makes others regard you with suspicion. It is not that you are trying purposely to be evasive, it is just that you would rather not deal with the explosions and hassles that often occur when you reveal your true feelings and opinions. Your sense of humor tends toward sarcasm and irony.

Venus is in 26 Degrees Leo.
You have a striking, regal appearance and demeanor that attracts others to you. Your friendship is highly sought and you tend to take friendships quite seriously -- you remain loyal and true to those to whom you are attached. For you, love is mixed with pride and respect. Relationships are over when you lose respect for your partner. Be careful of a tendency to relate only to those who make you look good -- the powerful, important and influential. This can lead to arrogance and selfishness, and neither of these qualities becomes you.

Mars is in 22 Degrees Scorpio.
Your likes and dislikes are strong and intense, never casual or superficial. You are known for your persistence and willful obsession. Once you have decided on a course of action, you are unstoppable. Your emotional actions tend to be extreme, although you try to keep them muted. You are not quick to anger, you do slow burns. And you tend to release your anger as sarcasm or irony. Beware of your tendency to hold grudges and to be vengeful. When you do fight, or release your internal tensions, you do so body and soul -- you become totally passionate and your outbursts are awesome to behold.

Jupiter is in 24 Degrees Virgo.
You feel most expansive and at ease with yourself when you are doing something that you consider to be practical or useful. You enjoy being dutiful and carrying out responsibilities. You gladly take on the little tasks that others seem to want to avoid. At times, you carry things to extremes and feel guilty anytime you do something that you consider to be self-indulgent. While it is appropriate for you to demand little for yourself in life, try to loosen up once in a while -- go out on a fling and enjoy yourself!

Saturn is in 01 Degrees Libra.
Although you take quite a while to make decisions, you usually consider all sides to a question, all the pros and cons, and the solution you come up with is very often the correct one. You tend to be very reserved and shy, but, once you make a commitment to someone (in either a business or personal relationship), the partnership is forever. You have a strong sense of justice and fair play and greatly respect the laws and institutions by which you are governed. As such, you are outraged when others break laws or show contempt for authority.

Uranus is in 23 Degrees Scorpio.
You, and your peer group, demand to confront life at its deepest and most meaningful levels. Very compulsive and obsessive in your approach to everything, you will avoid anything that is casual or superficial, especially when it comes to relationships. You will seek out and explore new methods of healing as well as different ways to deal with deep-seated emotional problems.

Neptune is in 20 Degrees Sagittarius.
You, and your entire generation, are heavily involved in investigating and idealizing foreign and exotic intellectual systems and religious philosophies. The most extreme ideals will be pursued with gusto. You will be at the forefront of humanitarian attempts to improve the lot of those who are in need of assistance. You will be comfortable with the concept of the "global village."

Pluto is in 21 Degrees Libra.
For your entire generation, this is a time of radical changes in society's attitude toward marriage and interpersonal relationships. There is a general fear and awe at the power inherent in making emotional or contractual commitments -- they will not be entered into lightly.

N. Node is in 19 Degrees Leo.
You prefer to take the leadership role when it comes to dealing with others. You enjoy administering and organizing group activities. Others tend to listen to your suggestions because you aren't usually overly domineering or patronizing in your interactions. You love to entertain in a big way -- you're at your best when throwing a large and lavish party. Your popularity and social success are assured as long as you don't take others for granted -- resist the temptation to become snobbish and arrogant.

...

Bren called me this evening. I feel sorta bad. I've been living in my townhouse for almost a week now, and I haven't called him or his wife (they live in the same complex). I should have invited them over for drinks or something.

My washer and dryer arrived today.
Tomorrow I have a birthday party to attend - what do toddlers like? Maybe I will just give cash so that her mother can stash it away for college (she has to hide money from her husband because he spends everything on booze and cigarettes - and probably a girlfriend or two).
I should have my settlement check by the end of next week. I need to pick out my car.
I started several stories today. One is a short screenplay that I would like to build into a much longer piece, but sometimes, it's not possible. I will most likely incorporate it into a larger screenplay. That seems to be how things are going lately with my writing. It just keeps getting absorbed into larger writings.

I should call Carrie. We haven't talked in months.

Saw JJ tonight

I went shopping at IKEA with my mom this evening. Bumped into JJ - she works there now. It was so good to see her. We haven't talked in such a long time. Now I know where to find her.

...

My life seems to be moving so quickly lately.

Getting a New Car!

I am getting almost exactly what I paid for my car - well, minus 1000 clams. That is frickin awesome!
I am just waiting for my check. I got cable and hi-speed internet today in my new place. I am so happy to be in Canton.

I bought a washer and dryer today. I am surprised that I still have money leftover.

Collision

Today, I rear-ended another car. It was in the middle of a torrential downpour in Ann Arbor, and I was on I-94 Eastbound at Exit 177. The driver ahead of me slammed on his brakes, as did many other drivers. I hit mine, as well. I tried to make it into the lane on the right, as there were no cars, and my car was sliding as if one ice, but the semi behind me cut me off, nearly hitting me. I continued to press my brakes, but nothing was happening. My car kept sliding, and I wound up hitting a maroon JEEP.

No one was injured, thank God, but the front end of my car is severely damaged, if not irreparably damaged. I am not that upset that I got a ticket - that is customary if you rear-end someone. I just wish I had the license plate number of the semi that cut me off, since I was a little preoccupied with stabilizing myself to write it down. I may go to court and fight the points on my license, though. I know that getting out of the ticket is, pretty much, out of question.

The driver and passenger of the other vehicle were very nice. They were extremely helpful, even helping me to move my belongings from my car to my dad's truck when he arrived. I had brought with me a load of items for my move tomorrow. Yeah, don't I have the best luck? Of all the times for this to happen, it has to be when I am in the middle of moving.

The thing that really makes me angry is that my airbags did NOT deploy. For the level of (visible) damage done, the airbags SHOULD have. I am waiting to hear from the collision place and my insurance company to find out how bad the damage is. I need to find out why the airbags didn't go. Had things been worse, I could be dead...and since I'm not, I NEED to know why my car was not working properly. After I find out, I will be contacting Honda to discuss this. I bought a brand new vehicle from them three years ago, and I have maintained it properly (expensive as it is), but the mere fact that the airbags didn't deploy (I can understand if the passenger side one didn't go, but the driver's side!?!) shows a significant design flaw. And I am not letting go of this.

The influence of others

After noticing changes in Jeremy, I started thinking more and more about how we have influenced each other.

When he and I first met in college, I was in the middle of dealing with two messy, on-again, off-again relationships, one that held a deep emotional connection and the other a more outgoing and spirited experience (overall, just a misguided avenue in a good friendship that was never really meant to be more). I was involved in a variety of student activities and political causes that distracted me enough to manage my life in the turbulence of two failing relationships. I was visiting hippie communes and trying new personalities. I turned into a strong liberal, attending small protests and supporting my gay friends in their individual and group pursuits toward happiness and equality. I went to civil rights meetings with my friend J, at which we worked with community groups to help people in poor areas (predominantly black) rise up and join the professional world. Some of the people were anti-white, but most were pleasant and realized that life is difficult for everyone, regardless of skin color.

Jeremy was the staunch conservative (he has an official Republican party pin that I used to laugh at). Despite this, he always had a great sense of humor and I liked the way he looked at the world - so optimistic.

We started dating after my sophomore year in college. I often tested his boundaries on his religious beliefs, expectations, political views, etc. He tried to make me more conservative in all areas - except the bedroom. I think he would have liked for my liberalism to extend into the private sector of our relationship, but I was quite conservative compared to other college students. He told me he loved me months before I said it back. I pointed out that he was liberal with his heart which was not wise. I don't think he liked that, not because he thought I didn't return his feelings, but because I used the term 'liberal'.

As he stepped out into the real world, he learned that being a conservative while being in a low-paying job wasn't really all that great. His ideas and opinions about the government changed. I'm certain this was helped by my cynicism and constant concern about those who kept slipping through the cracks.

When I stepped into the working world after college, I found that belonging to fringe groups and pushing social agendas that did not serve the majority weren't going to solve any problems.

When I first entered my teaching careeer, I found it a strange thing to see a group of people who are traditionally thought of as lefties, because of unions and education, be so conservative. Teachers have to be pillars of responsibility and kindness. We have to find middle ground and eliminate the polarizing ideas that we fought for in our younger years. I became much more like Jeremy.

Jeremy started flight school and returned to his student years. He became more like me. He started sympathizing with nations and small factions in the U.S. that were being persecuted.

Today, we are a nice balance. We are both closer to the middle. I have drifted a bit toward humanitarian causes again, which gives me a slightly more leftist tinge. Jeremy has stayed in the middle but has lost faith in the Republican party. I think he still believes in some of the major ideas, though.

Could it be said that he made me care less and I made him care more?

Abby has returned!

Jeremy called me this morning to let me know that Abby sauntered back very early this morning. I think his parents will probably keep her inside for several days.

Missing Abby

Jeremy's parents' cat has gone missing. Mark saw her last on Saturday, and she has not returned home. Jeremy's mom doesn't seem to think anything is wrong, and Jeremy is sad. He says he is a realist. And I think that is my influence. Jeremy was always a lot more optimistic, and I think that my cynicism over the years has jaded him. I am starting to feel guilty that I am part of what prevents him from believing his cat will come home again. I would prefer not to feel any guilt or regret - this is something I thought I had battled and won these last few years.

I will miss Abby. She is a very nice cat. If she doesn't return tomorrow, I don't believe she will ever return.