A to Z

I can't sleep (what's new?), so I decided to steal from Noelle's bulletin on myspace.

A is for age:
25

B is for beer of choice:
Kraftbrau Dunkel

C is for career right now:
German/English teacher

D is for your dog's name?:
No dog at present. If I did have one, maybe I’d name him/her Jigsaw or something like that

E is for essential item you use everyday:
Computer

F is for favorite TV show at the moment
I have no TV at the moment – it is packed and ready for my move on Saturday

G is for favorite game/sport:
Hockey

H is for Home town:
Originally Westland, currently Paw Paw, will be Canton in four more days

I is for instruments you play:
Percussion, piano

J is for favorite juice:
Apple, I guess

K is for whose butt you'd like to kick:
No one right now – the demons seem to be in the past

L is for last place you ate:
Home

M is for marriage:
Hopefully soon – maybe within the next year

N is for your name:
Alicia

O is for overnight hospital stays:
no overnight stays, although I would have loved to stay all day and night hooked up to the IV with the “cocktail” in when I had my kidney stone last year

P is for people you were with today:
Just me

Q is for quote:
“You got a fucking dart in your neck, man.” Seann William Scott in Old School.

R is for Biggest Regret:
I am starting to live without regrets. Everything I have experienced has helped me to become who I am…hmm…Maybe all the heavy drinking.

S is for status:
Long term relationship (six years!)

T is for time you woke up today:
#1 4:25
#2 6:15
#3 7:45
#4 9:20
#5 11:30

U is for underwear you have on now:
lavender bikini-style

V is for vegetable you love:
carrots

W is for worst habit:.
watching TV

X is for x-rays you've had:
Too many to count – most recent: kidney stone confirmation

Y is for yummy food you ate today:
Alfredo sauce on broccoli and noodles

Z is for zodiac sign:
Libra

Wishes

What is your biggest wish (at least for the next hour or so)?

Would you go back in time and do things differently? Would you have avoided dating certain people? Would you date others? Would you get/not get plastic surgery? Would you go out for a sports team in school? Would you have really worked harder to get into a better school? Would you buy a house? Would you invest your money in the stock market? Would you have stood up for someone else in their time of need?

Just wondering...

Setting up a new life...again

I am very excited to be moving in with Jeremy again. We are working numbers to pay for Lifetime Fitness gym membership. It's expensive, but it has enough stuff to keep both of us occupied (and working out!).
I am hoping that I really enjoy my new job. I have tried for so long to get psyched about it. My interest level has gone up, but I can't say that I am truly thrilled. I need to get my hands on the textbook, not only to brush up but to also research those concepts and bring in a lot more.

...

I returned to Paw Paw at midnight tonight. My weekend was definitely a good one. Jeremy was able to make it to the wedding reception - he arrived only minutes before the end, but he did get to say a few words to my relatives. My uncles told me he is "one of us." It's always good to hear when your family accepts your significant other as part of the family. They then started in on the "When are you two gonna get married already?" lines. Although I love the mention of Jeremy and I in the context of marriage, I still tried to divert attention to two of my cousins who are also in long term relationships. It is far easier (and much less whiney) than saying, "Hey, Jeremy and I have very little cash. Mom and Dad spent all of the money they had set aside for my wedding on Autumn's wedding."

But, I digress...The ceremony was short and sweet (I love 15-minute ceremonies!). The hall was simple and elegant with a variety of choices at the (OPEN!!!) bar. I started drinking very early. I had downed three drinks during the first half hour, which did end up making me quite the entertainer - I need to let that Lish out much more often. The bartender was mixing the drinks a bit strong. I cannot remember the last time I drank so much vodka. Over the next several hours, I polished off many more drinks, sobered up, then fell drunk again. I stopped drinking two hours before the end, just so that I could have time to sober up. My dad agreed to photograph the wedding for my cousin, so I was elected to assist whenever my mom wanted to visit with family. Carrying cameras worth more than my college tuition is not a responsibility to take on while inebriated, so I tried to keep it together.

One of my younger cousins (a senior in high school) and I talked about tennis camp and what to expect during her final year of school. I kept apologizing for being completely drunk while talking. She just laughed. I had a heart-to-heart talk with Autumn's husband about making sure he doesn't ignore her to work on computers (which he's been doing lately). I told him the same thing happened in our house growing up, and that is when my mother really turned into a nag. I really don't want my sister to turn into my mother.

I was sober by the time Jeremy showed up, which was nice. We had to load up the photography equipment. We said good-byes to everyone and then went home.

When we woke Sunday morning, we got ready and went to IKEA to buy a set of dishes and then drove by our townhouse. We sign the papers and pick up the keys on Friday!!! We have an end-unit that backs up to a small park and playground. I should have checked if they have one of those merry-go-rounds. I used to love getting drunk and having contests with friends to see who would vomit first. Stupid, I know, but it killed time in our pathetic, little lives.

Brendan and Amanda live in the same complex, so already we feel more comfortable. I can't wait to have barbecues with them. Also, Brendan and I have sort of started a writer's group. Since I have the workshop background, I think he's looking to me to really set parameters and explain the process. So far, we've worked on a large portion of a novel he is writing and two of my shorter fiction pieces. I am working with two others, but they are not in the area at present. I am hoping that Mike will drive down from Fenton every so often to meet, and that Eric will, at least, send more through email.

Jeremy and I are pricing new furniture and planning the rest of our summer. We plan to meet up with Mike and Noelle mid-August, and we will go to Traverse City with Joel and Jill for a weekend in two-three weeks. We may even hit the Tom Petty concert at DTE. Maybe Melissa and Neil want to go with us. Or perhaps Becky and Dave. We'll see.

I just need to turn off my mind and get some sleep.

Brian Vander Ark at the Kraftbrau

Mike V. asked me to join him at the Brian Vander Ark performance at Kraftbrau tonight. Mike and I met for dinner, then made our way to the brewery. He drank beer and I drank wine. The show was great - it has been so long since I went to any concert, regardless of the size. It felt strange to see someone who was once so famous playing a small venue like Kraftbrau, but that doesn't mean the place wasn't packed. Perhaps a smaller audience is better for building a rapport. He was very polite and personable; I can see why Mike idolizes him so. After the performance ended (and Mike procured an autograph), Mike and I went to Monaco Bay (formerly called Rum Runners) and sat through about an hour of dueling pianos. It was a good time. Lots of discussion. Lots of drunk people. Lots of good cheer all around.

I thanked Mike V. for helping me love Kalamazoo again, especially since I am moving away next weekend. He said it is always good to leave on a good note. That just shows Mike's personality. Although he claims he is a cynic, I don't think he is. He believes in creating positive experiences wherever he goes. He is the loyal and somewhat sensitive type, who is known to write songs about those he loves. He is extremely healthy - he works out a lot and eats healthy. He is an English teacher who loves music (he sings and plays the guitar). He's good-natured and loves to read. But he just can't find sustaining love. C'mon ladies...he is prime for the picking!

I had such an incredible night. I really should hang out with friends more often. I was almost able to forget how much I miss Jeremy. I saw him last Sunday, and I will not see him again until next Thursday or Friday.

I am missing Mike K. and Noelle's barbecue next weekend because I am moving, but Noelle should be in the Detroit area mid-August. We can hang out then. I hope Mike is with her. I haven't seen him since high school. We kept in touch minimally through the years while he was in the army and when he was discharged. I was totally shocked to learn that he married Noelle - one of my friends from college. What a small world!

................................

My apartment is nearly packed in its entirety. I still have a few things that I will be using over the next week, but the boxes are sitting right next to the items.

feeling all song-lyric-y tonight

Gnarls Barkley
Crazy


I remember when, I remember, I remember when I lost my mind
There was something so pleasant about that phase.
Even your emotions had to let go
In so much space

And when you're out there
Without care,
Yeah, I was out of touch
But it wasn't because I didn't know enough
I just knew too much

Does that make me crazy
Does that make me crazy
Does that make me crazy
Probably

And I hope that you are having the time of your life
But think twice, that's my only advice
Come on now, who do you, who do you, who do you, who do you think you are,
Ha ha ha bless your soul
You really think your'e in control

Well, I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
Just like me

My heroes had the heart to lose their lives out on a limb
And all I remember is thinking, I want to be like them
Ever since I was little, ever since I was little it looked like fun
And it's no coincidence I've come
And I can die when I'm done

Maybe I'm crazy
Maybe you're crazy
Maybe we're crazy
Probably


..............................

I have most of my apartment packed in (mostly) neatly organized and labeled boxes. Jeremy thinks it's funny that I get like this, but it just makes the moving in part so much easier. I don't have to try to remember what I put where - it's all right there. Plus, the fragile items are clearly marked. That way, I don't have to buy all new fragile items. Somehow, though, I misplaced one plate. I have looked everywhere, including in a box that I packed other plates. I'm sure it will be in the most ridiculous place when I unpack.

Jeremy and I talked for a while tonight. He is getting all lovey-dovey. I feel it, too. I think that living with him will be quite good, even though our last run wasn't so great. It had its high points, but I don't think we were in the same place. I started my teaching career (Alicia = young professional), and Jeremy was taking a chance with new career training (Jeremy = flight student), even though he had already stepped out for the student role a year prior and had begun to work in his degreed field (criminal justice). This time, I am yet again the young professional and Jeremy is also a young professional. He will continue where is for now, pick up a second job instructing aviation, and he is starting a business that will contract him to some privatized military training.

I feel cheerful. I have successfully resisted my compulsive addictions today. I just need to get to bed without slipping down that slippery slope. The alliteration in that last sentence was not deliberate. Maybe I should write some poetry. I haven't done that in a very long time. Writing poetry has never been my thing. I've studied it - I enjoy that. I think I just have become a snob when it comes to anything in literature. I am too hard on myself when I look at my own writing. Perhaps next time, though.

...

Why do I bother sharing the details of me life? I have veered off the path I originally intended with this. That's okay, though. Life is change, so why shouldn't my blog follow suit? I am ready for change. I want change. I need change.

My life feels quite different lately. I feel like I put on new skin or something - not that I PUT ON skin. This isn't Silence of the Lambs.

And an ironic thought to ponder:

Is destruction really just creation?

Anonymous Maura

I realized tonight that some of my behaviors these past few years are clear indicators of a much larger issue. While part of the healing process is acknowledging that there is, in fact, a problem, I feel strange about revealing it here now. I'm sure that, as time goes on, it will seep into my posts, as I feel it should.

Finding myself following in my normal pattern today, I had the same emotions and thoughts, but this time, I gave myself a short pep talk and decided to do some research into some of the "___ Anonymous" meetings in the area. Many others who suffer from this had posted comments on a support website. I read a few, thought they sounded familiar, and then I read one that really could have been written by me. The woman described her life - it was so similar to mine (relationships, career, hobbies, interests, family, etc.). Her inability to control her issues brought about emotions and behaviors that were so like mine that I read it three more times and then saved it on my desktop. Thank you, Maura. You have no idea how you've already helped me...at least, with the first part.

I broke down and cried for a little while. I became so focused I totally forgot to call Jeremy back, but that hardly seems important to me at the moment.

I always thought that finding and acknowledging something like this in me would make me feel weak, but it really produces the opposite feeling. I want to go to the meeting tomorrow, but my schedule conflicts. I know I should be taking care of myself first, but some things cannot be rearranged that quickly. Just knowing there is a name for this helps me. To know I am not alone helps me.

A very different thing happened to me while reading and experiencing my connection with others...an entire novel came into focus inside of me. I haven't had a good idea in months. And this one came crashing in like waves. That means something.

I really think I am going to be okay. With help.

Bittersweet

I was cleaning and packing up my belongings today. I had to call maintenance because my garbage disposal wasn't working properly. The man arrived quickly and took care of the problem immediately.

It dawned on me that I am really going to miss this apartment. I absolutely LOVE the complex I live in. The floorplan is smart and modern. I have a HUGE bathroom and a HUGE kitchen. Granted, I don't have a washer and a dryer in my individual unit, but this place has simply been a terrific place to live. The surprising thing is that this is considered "luxury" living in Paw Paw. It's not what I would consider luxury, but it is definitely nifty. The staff is so helpful and they get to know the residents fairly well. Everything is run so efficiently. Jeremy even said that he likes it here. If only I could move this entire place over to the Detroit area. If I were within an hour of my job, I'd consider staying.

I am already seeing a negative with the place where I will be living. They cannot keep their office paperwork in order. They've lost several forms that I turned in on Saturday. I then had to scramble to get things squared away today, as I NEED the apartment this month. The office staff is somewhat rude, but I usually don't have any issues with management, so I really have no reason to contact them. They claim that it takes 3-4 days to process everything for new tenants, which is a total fabrication of the truth. I've been through this process so many times - most people do all of the reports and contacts in front of you. The longest one I have ever witnessed took 45 minutes. The shortest - 7 minutes (and that was because the printer was jammed). I have sparkling credit, a clear and positive tenancy record, and I submitted paystubs from my current employer, as well as a letter stating my new salary and contract details from my new school. I pointed out their ineffective use of time today. I don't think they liked that.
Why am I moving there, then? Well, they have an incredible deal: a two-bedroom townhouse with a full basement for 709.00/month, plus 100.00 off each month for four months. W/D hook-ups in the basement and they pay for the water. No pet rent, either.

We always need to weigh what's important with what we can tolerate.

...

My life is not interesting.

Good Morning!

I woke at 10:30 today. I thought I remembered posting something last night, so I checked - and yes, I did post something. Something ridiculous. I considered removing it, but Az had already commented, so my little secret was out. What does it matter, anyway?

I am chipper and anxious to begin my day, but first I thought I'd write some of my thouhts on my blog. I had extremely vivid and creative, yet realistic, dreams. Some will, undoubtedly, find themselves in my shorter fiction collections. I just wish I felt my creative writing was ready for publication. I had both Brendan and Mike give me literary comments on them - Brendan because he's a literary snob and Mike because he writes a lot, too, and is a high school English teacher. These two provided a great deal of feedback. I think I will send my work to Eric - an old writing group partner. Perhaps we can resurect our little writing group with several new members.

I finished off a bottle of wine last night. I had had one glassful about a week or so ago, and the bottle had been sitting in my fridge since then. I just never know when to stop when it comes to wine. With hard liquor and beer, I have a limit, but wine doesn't offer me that same feeling. I originally started with one glass so that I wouldn't go and buy fast food. I wasn't about to walk 2.5 miles, and I simply will not operate a vehicle if I've consumed alcohol. I just continued to drink. I watched The Last of the Mohicans, called Autumn (told her husband to ignore the computer for an hour and spend time with his wife!), spoke to Jeremy, posted blogs, sent a couple of emails, and then went to sleep. The emails seemed like a good idea at the time, but I am not so sure now. Oh, I wrote a (really good) brand new personal statement for my grad school applications - I am resubmitting my applications to start in the winter semester as my life will be chaotic until I get the hang out things in my new school. Plus, I am going to be a little overwhelmed as I learn how to approach teaching a foreign language. I started three new stories - one seems to be something I can build into something larger. It would probably work best as a screenplay.

I should drink more often. Famous last words, right? Watch me spiral into an alcoholic nightmare. I am fairly certain I carry that gene. There is a high percentage of alcoholism in my family. Plus, a couple of years ago, I was very much a heavy drinker - I went out after work most days out the work week, then spent weekends drinking. Sometimes, I could resist and be the DD, but those moments were far and few between. I am a much more lively person while drinking, while during most of my sobriety, I am such a stick in the mud.


I am working on that.


Jeremy and I finally have "couple" friends. Joel and Jill are so much fun. We've gone out to dinner, hung out making fun of TV shows, gone for ice cream. In August, we are going up to Traverse City together to get away.

I am still a daily to-do list person, but I don't set my expectations too high anymore.

I am getting into art lately. I never really cared before - even though I've loved going to art galleries since I was little.

I started doing more photography.

I am thinking of putting together a list of things I'd like to experience before I die - not that I anticipate dying any time soon. I just think that I need find a way around regretting what I haven't done.

DRunk

I am drunk. I am very drunk. I called Jeremy to tell he's hot.he asked if Id been drinking. hell yes, I said.
having troubl finding keys.
bybye

...

Just another "blah" day.

I made myself French toast and potatoes for breakfast, but they really didn't cheer me up. I cannot say what is really upsetting me, for sure, but most of it probably is swirling around the fact that my "restful" summer vacation I was so eager for has really not been all that fulfilling.

Yes, I have gone on mini vacations to several places. I've gone to see an airshow. I've gone sailing with Jeremy's parents. I went to Brendan's wedding. I've spent time with relatives and friends I've been too busy to see throughout the school year. I landed a decent job in southeast Michigan. I almost have a townhouse in Canton I am moving into this month - it's being prepared while management processes my paperwork. Jeremy and I have spent a lot of time together.

I think my idea was that time would creep by while I wrote short stories, plays, maybe a screenplay or two, and a novel. Instead of writing, I've been studying German and sitting around watching DVDs. I am not even packed for my move yet.

..........................

Oh, yeah...
Congratulations to Wesley and his wife, Lynn. They are purchasing their first home - a very nice house in Florida, Wes was honorably discharged from the army (for medical reasons) but will still benefit from the education perks, and they are going to have a baby in February!!!

...

The phone calls for interviews have halted. This is typical. What usually happens is for about three weeks in the middle of the summer, no calls come in, but they do pick up again. I suppose that is okay. I have my German test on Saturday morning. In the afternoon, Jeremy and I are going to take care of all the paperwork at the complex. We almost signed for a place in Ypsi. It's actually a decent area - south section near Ford Lake, but the townhouses we are looking at are more affordable and offer more storage. Plus, I would much rather live in Canton, anyway.

I can do some landscaping both in front of and in back of my individual unit. I've missed being able to have all of my plants outside. I really took up gardening in college. I grew flowers and vegetables wherever I could.

Perhaps once we're settled in, we will have a small get-together. I would love to barbecue and entertain.

I have been studying German for the better part of the day today. I know I need to keep working on it, but I just cannot bring myself to do it.

I am feeling more positive about teaching German, but I still don't really want to do it. I know I probably could do it, so that is progress. I am hoping to be truly excited about the idea by the end of August. It usually takes me a while to get used to change. At least I have had plenty of time to let the idea grow on me.

Ich habe eine Idee...Does anyone remember enough German from years ago to hold a simple conversation with me? Meine Deutschesprache ist nicht so formal (oder gut), und ich brauche mit einander sprechen. Ich habe viele vergessen. Deutsch war mein zweite Hauptfacher in der Universitat, aber ich kann diese Sprache nicht fliesend sprechen. My German is absolutely atrocious at this point. Hilf mir, bitte!

(Not necessarily) thought provoking questions

Is it possible to have low self-esteem and actually be aware of it? Or is self-esteem like craziness in that if you think you are crazy, you have self-awareness and are, therefore, not crazy?

Does anyone produce what they truly are capable of doing?

Does hoping someone die in some way help that person die?

What do my cats dream?

Is there anyone who is truly him or herself on the internet?

Why do humans collect things? Is it a way to have a tangible memory?

Why are people so afraid of honesty?

Is it possible to forgive people who have seriously wronged us? (I'm not talking about stealing, cheating, etc.)

Do parents ever see their children as adults?

What will anthropologists thousands of years in the future think of my remains?

Why do people think that teachers are pinnacles of professionalism? They are average, middle-class people.

Stick a fork in me

So, Jeremy and I had a wonderful time with our respective families. I relaxed and took in the sights. I was thinking of posting some of the pictures, but most of the good ones have people in them, and I really don't feel comfortable posting pictures of others without their permission.

Port Sanilac was lovely. We stayed on the boat overnight and then sailed down to Lexington on Tuesday morning. We visited with Jeremy's grandmother for a short while and then had to get a ride back to his car to drive to my parents' house. The barbecue was nice. We helped my parents clean up and then crashed at their house.

This morning, we went apartment hunting again. We visited places in Ypsi and Canton - Canton is definitely the winner. Jeremy loved the one I had picked out a week ago.
$709 - 750 a month (depending on the upgrades), 2-bedroom townhouse, complete with a basement. Several available this month, patios in courtyards, allow pets and there is NO monthly charge. Water is included, and there are washer/dryer hookups in the basement. Best Buy has a decent deal right now - full size washer and dryer combo for $400 - they are adequate for rental living. And they have a hell of an incentive to sign a lease this month (money off each month for four months!). We don't need anything extravagant, so this place is a great deal.

Now, I'm back in Paw Paw, trying to gather everything I need for my test of Saturday (German MTTC), as well as all of the paperwork I will need for my rental application.

I'm exhausted - I need a vacation from my vacation.

Vacation

Jeremy and I drove to Traverse City yesterday. What a beautiful day! Sunshine, warm weather, lots of things going on...

We sat on the beach and watched the airshow. I've never seen an airshow over the water, so that was a nice change. I will try to convince Jeremy's parents to sail up there next summer for the event.

I now have a terrible sunburn, which stings like mad. My cotton shirts are not soft enough. I used sunscreen, but apparently SPF 15 isn't strong enough for my Polish skin. We are driving to meet Jeremy's parents in Port Sanilac, spend the night on the boat, then we are going to my parents' barbecue on the 4th. Then, on the 5th, Jeremy and I are going to view several apartments in Canton, Ypsi, Westland, Livonia, Belleville, and possibly Ann Arbor. We are finally earning enough to live somewhere decent, but we want to save up for a down payment on a house. That leaves us with a strange predicament - live some place we like and can afford or live somewhere decent that will help us save some dough. Maybe we will find the happy medium.

No Traverse City trip tomorrow

Jeremy drove out to get ready for our trip up north for the weekend. We ended up in an argument about my move back to the Detroit area. He and I will be sharing a place, most likely in Canton, but he really hasn't taken initiative and sought out places to live - and he's already living in the area. I've had to spearhead this endeavor, and I have been making multiple trips from the west side of the state to take care of this. In fact, the last time I drove out, he wouldn't even meet me to visit places together. He was sitting at home watching TV. This lack of interest and cohesion has left me feeling somewhat angry, and the anger reared its ugly head for a short spat that resulted in silence for the better part of an hour.

We talked about finances and sorted through our respective budgets, as I will be taking a slight pay cut in the new school district. We determined that leaving town tomorrow for an unnecessary trip is not in our best interest - we will be paying rent for our current places, as well as rent and a deposit (most likely equal to one month's rent) in the next three weeks for a new place, then the next month's rent soon after that. Perhaps I should take my uncle up on his offer for temporary relocation into his townhouse in Ann Arbor. I just would prefer not to get into any business dealings with family members. Plus, he is placing it on the real estate market soon, and I would hate to get in the way of that process.

Although I know it wouldn't be economically wise to take a trip out of town (Jeremy and I had planned for a day or two in Traverse City, then two days of sailing on the Great Lakes with Jeremy's parents in their rather cushy sailboat), this will be the only chance we both have for a vacation this summer. I want to seize this opportunity. Maybe Jeremy and I will complete some calls tomorrow and decide to drive up north early on Sunday. I think we need to get away from everything that burdens us, if only for a day or two.

...

So, Teresa and Jessie have sent emails that isntruct me to tell secrets about myself. One says to include 50 and the other - 100. I would like to fill them out and send them along (or post them here), but that overly-suspicious part of me wants to know why someone would need to know so much. I am paranoid about releasing information about myself. I've also noticed that Peaj posted a list on her blog.

I wonder what can be gleaned from giving information such as this. Is it just interesting? Are people making assumptions about who I am based on past evidence? Will I say the wrong thing and upset someone else? Why do I feel the need to keep this stuff inside me? Do I really know what about me is worth revealing?

Perhaps I will just begin a list and see where things go. Maybe 30 or so to start.

Reenee, you should do this, too. Just so I am not feeling alone.

1. I don't like being called "Lish" unless I invite you to do so, or if you know me from this blog.

2. While I love my cats dearly and see that they are mildly intelligent creatures, I will forever remain a dog-person.

3. Even though I know I am a good English teacher, I get very sheepish when discussing what I do.

4. I collect the last writing from people who are close to dying.

5. I have been in love twice in my three longest relationships.

6. I fear going to Farmington just because I might run into a demon from my past. He probably doesn't live there anymore, but I'm still very uncomfortable there.

7. I kicked the daily drinking habit that was taking over my life.

8. I'm not a smoker, but I am tempted to buy cigarettes every time I smell the smoke.

9. I used to like when people thought I was a prude.

10. I fear I won't be a good German teacher.

11. I feel like I was Yoko, even though someone else fits the bill more recently.

12. I figured out who I don't want to be as a parent and wife while watching Oprah on Monday, June 26, 2006. I hadn't watched Oprah since 2002.

13. My favorite numbers are 4, 7 and 13.

14. I just had a pre-employment physical and the doctor said that I am average weight, when compared to others in the Canton area. I still say I am fat.

15. I eat because it fills the void of being with someone but being alone at the same time.

16. I still dream that I will wake up and learn that I have a much better life.

17. I like pepper on cantaloupe.

18. I almost dated one of my percussion instructors.

19. I avoid the dentist because I'm too lazy to call and set up an appointment.

20. I am a die-hard capitalist. I work hard for my money, and I hate that the government takes a portion to give to people who either didn't make good decisions with their lives or are just too lazy to go out and get a job.

21. I wish I could be a hippie.

22. I sing in my car...really loud.

23. I want to travel around the world so that I can choose where I would live the best life.

24. I've thrown up once from alcohol. Usually I can hold my own fairly well.

25. I rarely sleep through an entire night.

26. Caffeine makes me sleepy.

27. I've had one documented kidney stone, but I think I have had a few more - smaller ones, of course. I just figured I'd be fine without visiting the ER (it's so good to have leftover medication!).

28. I miss the house I grew up in.

29. I used to go to a lot of hockey games.

30. I have a new friend named Jill. She is dating one of Jeremy's friends and we hit it off quickly. I am hoping she moves to Michigan in July.

31. I am much more confident and comfortable in front of new people. Teaching has really impacted me. In fact, I am really starting to like the attention.

32. I am every age I used to be.

33. I have weird images and memories from early childhood - being bathed in the kitchen sink, being potty-trained (I still blush) and Autumn drawing on me with a pen in my crib, among others.

34. I watch people too much.

35. I rarely forgive and I never forget.

That's all I can think of. Maybe more will come to me later. The day is still young.

Post or not to post - that is the question. POST

...

Today was a different sort of day. The maintenance man actually fixed the leak from upstairs. I still need the water in the carpet extracted, but it is great that the dripping ceased.

I received my paycheck in the mail. The school district must have sent them out two days early - the mail in this part of the state is ridiculously slow. I was so pleased to see that union dues are not being taken out. That means an extra $40. for my bank account. I know $40. isn't that much, but when it feels like "extra", I can put more over into my savings.

I visited the district office and then walked the nature trail behind my school. I don't know what got into me, but at some point I started jogging. I had gone there to take pictures of the river, but I was jogging instead. It isn't a long trail, but I jogged for approximately half of it, which did make me break a sweat. It felt good. The uneven ground wasn't a problem, and my knee didn't ache afterward. I then went to the library and checked out "March of the Penguins". What an adorable film! I also watched "A Walk to Remember" (I've started reading a lot of Nicholas Sparks' books, as well as watching the movies). I had seen portions of it before, so it was nice to finally see how it all pieced together. The final movie on my checkout list was the Walmart documentary. I've been really into documentaries lately. Some of the sequences are choppy, just like in a Shakespeare documentary I own, but it definitely sends its message.

Jeremy is waking early tomorrow to come out for a visit. I planned to get to sleep early, but that is just not going to happen. I drank a little alcohol, so I've been bouncing around cleaning. I came down from my buzz about half an hour ago, and decided to check my email and respond to Chuck's blog entry. I am also playing Spider Solitaire, a new obsession in my quest for repetitive games.

I think I should finish cleaning my living room and then study German. I do have that test on the 8th.

...

The ceiling is leaking again. I have to put in another call to maintenance. The worker yesterday said he went upstairs and took care of it. Unfortunately, whatever he did was ineffective. I have sopped up most of the water, but the carpet needs for the excess water to be extracted professionally. I am certain there is damage to the walls, as well. I sprayed a bleaching agent to thwart mold growth, but I really don't think it will help all that much.

I have found myself online for the better part of the day. I found one old friend and sent her a message. I was surprised to see her image on a friend's myspace friendlist. I hope she receives it soon and contacts me. It's been way too long. Jess and I go way back.

I am hoping I can find Carrie again. We had been in contact about six months ago but lost touch once again. I don't know what is driving this urge to reconnect with old friends - probably seeing some of them at Brendan's wedding made me realize how much I do miss them.

Why did we stop hanging out? Will things change when I move back in July?

...

Jeremy is driving out to visit this weekend. I can't wait to see him.

I've been pricing apartments in the Detroit area. I should just buy a house. It really is a buyer's market right now. There are deals for first-time home buyers, as well as zero down/zero closing fee deals. Would this be wise? It would significantly change my taxes for the better.

...

I am finding it difficult to get motivated today. I drove back home yesterday afternoon to water-soaked carpet in my living room. My upstairs neighbors' A/C unit pipes leaked through the floorboards and my ceiling. What an exciting surprise! At least nothing major was damaged. Maintenance arrived quickly and looked into the matter. I think he was able to fix the problem - there has been no more water; I am going to request that they steam-clean my floor. I would prefer not to deal with mold and the musty smell.

...............................

I fear I am turning into a Rod Stewart fan.

I am afraid of not being able to accomplish my goals.

I am afraid of not having the necessary German skills for the first day of school.

I actually hate summer vacation. If I had, perhaps, two weeks off, then I'd be a lot better. I get lazy. I should have picked up another job. Now, I just want to sit around.

Driving

I have driven 1000 miles since Friday. I have been traveling primarily between my apartment and my parents' house. I have had a wedding, a family gathering, a contract signing session and an interview. I drove back to Paw Paw today. My interview went really well today. I am hoping to get a call back soon. I am not relying on that, though, as I have the German/English offer on the table. I have to complete some paperwork and have a physical next week. yippee.

I have been searching apartment listings. My uncle has been renovating his townhouse and is putting it on the market soon. He said that if I cannot find a place to live, I am more than welcome to briefly rent his townhouse. That's pretty nifty.

I am excited to be returning to the Detroit/Ann Arbor area. I am in high spirits. My life seems to be panning out well now. I just have to decide which grad program (English) will be the best for me. I also need to look into grad programs I want for German.

I am also saving up for an intensive German class in Munich during the summer of 2007. That will count for my professional development and will allow me to set aside the money for room and board, as well as tuition. The best part is that I will get to see a lot of the "folksy" culture, as Munich is in Bavaria (the southern region in Germany). Most Germans from the other regions consider Bavarians to be crazy or just plain hillbillies. It must be the lederhosen. I think it would be wonderful to see that part of the country. And there is time built in for travel - I can go to Bonn, Frankfurt and Berlin on day trips, especially on the weekends. I will definitely visit Austria, and possibly other countries, too.

...

I attendend Brendan and Amanda's wedding on Saturday. It wasn't quite what I had expected, but it was nice, nonetheless. I knew I would be happy to see Peaj and Chuck, but I didn't expect to be so happy to see so many people from years past. I hadn't realized I missed them so much until they were relaying the events of their lives and I realized I missed out on their experiences. They were surprised to learn that I am a teacher. Was I really that angry in school?

It seemed as though they didn't feel comfortable speakign with me. I don't know if it was just that they don't really know me anymore or if we just have fewer things in common now. I was happy to communicate, but most of the conversations died fairly quickly. BJ and Anne were great to talk to. If you have never talked to these two people, you are definitely missing out. They are unique and witty and always have an interesting perspective to share on age-old situations.

Several of us exchanged contact information. I am in the process of modifying images - I'd like to crop out mysterious hands and people doing ridiulous things in the background of some pretty wonderful shots of Brendan with his family. I will be sending pictures to several people through email today and tomorrow. Perhaps I should upload a picture or two here. Maybe a little later, though.

2:50 AM EST

I can't sleep. I figured I had another week or so until the insomnia hit. Teaching keeps me regulated, especially with a sleep schedule. And this past week has been so full of naps that I thought, for sure, something was wrong with me...like chronic fatigue syndrome.

I'm a hypochondriac and just plain crazy in many situations. I admit it.

To those of you who have dated me at some point in your lives(excluding Jeremy - you're stuck with me, baby!): You should be so happy you didn't end up with this cracked pot. I get irritated if towels are folded "wrong". Trust me, Jeremy has heard about this many, many times. I have incredibly high expectations of everyone, which many people cannot live up to and I let them know that. I like romance and affection, but only when I want it. I don't like to accomodate others and their schedules. I like certain foods in certain places in my fridge, as well as in the cupboards. I like all of the kitchen and bathroom drawers to contain items that are placed inside in straight lines and perfect 90 degree angles (Yes, I measure). I like silence so that I can exist within my imaginary world, but if you want to do the same, I don't want to let you go there. I will do my best to distract you. I love playing repetitive games like solitaire for hours on end. It really is an obsession.

3:00 AM EST - Jeremy's alarm should be sounding.

I will play the same song ten times in a row and then never listen to it again because I have it in my head forever. I envy people who feel no shame pushing groceries in a cart all the way home from the store. I think flannel shirts should make a comeback - the nineties had some low maintenance styles that need to be revisited. I keep watching Dawson's Creek DVDs. I've been rewriting scenes and scripts to make them work better. I speed read a lot, especially books about puntuation and grammar (Lynn Truss's Eats, Shoots & Leaves is absolutely wonderful!). I am addicted to the internet. I cleaned my bathroom with bleach products three times in the past week. I talk back to the characters from my stories. I have favorite pieces of silverware (my favorite is a soup spoon that my mother left at my apartment). I like collecting stones from different places I have visited. Half of my electronic equipment in my apartment is not hooked up because I like to take things apart. I still have the majority of my stuffed animals from childhood.

3:11 AM EST

I love to people watch at the mall, despite my fear of large crowds. Maybe that's something I should do tomorrow when I pass through Ann Arbor - go to the mall. There is virtually no chance any of my former students will be there. I can pretend to be from another country, just like Dharma and Jane do on Dharma & Greg. Lesley and I used to do stuff like that. Even Melissa, my first college roommate - the drug addict artist who didn't wear shoes - did stuff like that with me. I haven't gone to any playgrounds in years. Jeremy has never been into that. I ALWAYS had fun going to those, even though I usually injured myself. Sometimes others did, too, like Ben.
I still get butterflies. I revel in that sensation. I can return to almost any situation/experience and walk through each feeling and I still get goose bumps - firsts are always fun to return to. I remember fights from ten years ago. I can remember some fights word-for-word from twenty years ago. I remember phone numbers and codes from childhood. I am paranoid - maybe that comes from teaching. Have I always been paranoid? I love new school supplies. I get so excited at the end of summer when the stores have those huge sales. I like collecting backpacks. I like being overly prepared.

3:27 AM EST

Jeremy is supposed to be up to get ready for his flight. I hope he calls. I told him I'd probably be awake. I can't shut off my mind tonight.

I know I am rambling, but it's my blog. If you don't want to read it, don't. What I should be posting, though are the articles and lessons I will need for next school year. I just don't want to get too far ahead of myself.

I need to call my uncle about his townhouse to find out if he is looking to rent it out. I think my mind is finally slowing down a little. I will research cat behavior for a few and then I will study German - it will hopefully help me to fall asleep. I just don't want any more of that horrific dream.

3:31 AM EST

I just yawned. I think it is time to sign off. And I'm not apologizing for this nutso post.

...

My day has been slipping by so quickly.

I woke many times throughout the night from nightmares. Not the typical unsettling dreams that involve losing teeth and/or running from someone - but the type that make my heart thump so hard that I think I am having heart trouble. Last night I kept falling back into the same dream: a blond man roughly my age was killing my entire family (which wasn't my family in real life). There were three children, two boys, one girl. The girl was on the grass bleeding from her abdomen. He had swung an axe from my shed into her.
I woke up.
When I fell asleep again, the dream started off differently. I was in the neighborhood of the same house, though, meeting with a Bible study group from whatever church was mine. The same man came driving by in an old pick-up truck and fired at us with a shotgun.
I woke myself up. I usually know when I am dreaming and tend to choose to wake up. I sat up for a few minutes, read a few pages of a German book, and then turned out the light and tried to sleep again.
This time, I was back at the house and the man was inside with me. He punched me and then I was running (a little more like my typical bad dreams). The problem was that this time, one of the boys was next to me and grabbed my leg and bit my knee. I woke up to pain. I am wondering if one of my cats might have bitten me or latched on with her claws (one of them used to have a nasty habit of attacking anything that moved under the covers).
I decided to get up and go get water. I turned on a DVD and watched a few minutes of Hitch.
I dozed off in my living room and fell into a dream that was, once again, in the same place, only I was looking out a glass window at the guy in the same truck.
It stopped after that, and I was in another dream where I was having a snowball fight with my childhood friends. We were about seven or so, and I was on the old Cooper Elementary site. I had a few other dreams that were somewhat boring.

Has anyone ever experienced this? What triggers something like this? Does anyone know about the psychology behind this stuff? Am I totally cracked?

Anyway, I woke after nine and plunked away on the computer for almost four hours finishing comments on a friend's story. Then I showered and started cleaning again. I really need to find a hobby outside of my apartment. I went shopping for something new to wear to Bren's wedding. It took me about three hours, but I found something decent. The only problem is that I cannot decide which shirt to wear with it. I bought two different ones because I couldn't decide. I like them both too much and they accent the skirt in great but different ways. I guess I will have to ask Jeremy for his input. He'll probably suggest whichever one comes off the easiest. Did I just say that? Shame on me.

I spoke to Jeremy's mom about my job offer. She wants a full report after I go to the next interview. I am looking to get the best possible deal out of my move back to the Detroit/Ann Arbor area. I have no problem using one offer as leverage to push another district to pay me more. That is the plan.

Summer recaps

Summer vacation isn't the way I remember it, but then again, I haven't really had a real vacation (without a job or classes) since high school. I'm thinking I will sit down and work on several of the stories I've been mulling over. I also need to keep publishing my professional article pieces about teaching. I am also exercising. I went walking yesterday, which would have been jogging, but I decided to walk to the library to return books. It's a little difficult to maintain a constant speed and cycle of breathing when the books keep falling from one's hands. I have been studying German to brush up on my skills for the MTTC German test and for the fall; I will be teaching German and English at a high school in the Metro Detroit area - well, it will be official as soon as I sign the paperwork next Monday. I am excited, but I don't think they will put me higher up on the pay scale. I don't want base pay, but I know every district is playing the budget game. I have two years from Florida, which will not be considered - I can understand that. The two years from Michigan include one year in a private school (not usually used for consideration) and one year from a public school (which should be considered). I'll keep you posted.


Summers past:

Last year, I was still working two jobs outside of my teaching career and took on graduate classes at WMU and BSU (it was all jolly good fun, though).

In 2004 I drove up from Florida and took over my sister's wedding plans (remind me to just elope, would you?).

In 2003 I spent most of my time taking classes to complete requirements for my teacher certification.

2002 was interesting. I moved to Florida, changed my life completely by moving in with Jeremy, got a kitty, worked two different jobs (receptionist at a nifty sports complex and substitute preschool teacher) and then was hired as a full time teacher in a middle school.

I took Summer I and Summer II session classes in 2001. I also worked with my high school marching band and Payless ShoeSource (what an awful job! I hate feet).

2000 - Worked full time at a hardware store. I smelled like keys and fertilizer. I did perform in an orchestra, though, in Dearborn and was paid fairly well for it. Started dating Jeremy. He had a dozen roses delivered one month after our first date. It almost scared me off.

1999 - Worked at the very same hardware store. Was still dating my ex and things were going really well. I thought it was going to last forever. Participated in orchestra.

1998 - Worked a lot at the hardware store. Participated in orchestra.

1997 - Last real summer vacation. Spent so much time with friends and my ex. Band camp (no jokes, please). Slept in a lot. Wrote a lot.

...

Today, my 13-inch TV - the only TV in my apartment that will pick up local stations - caught on fire. While there are several shows I enjoy watching, I know that they are reruns and I can live without them. Jeremy tells me losing this TV is a good thing; I will be able to utilize my time better to study for the German certification test. I know he is right, but I like having the sound in the background. I don't feel so alone. I guess this means I will simply watch DVDs on the 27-inch TV in my living room.

The politics of English

Recently, I read the results of a poll that stated roughly eighty percent of Americans use proper grammar when they write. I find those results faulty. I read so much of what others write and I can tell you that this statistic is horribly inaccurate. I don't think that anyone is trying to lie in this "research"; I believe that most people don't really know American English mechanics, grammar, punctuation, etc. to the extent they believe they do.

I know I am a stickler. All English teachers should be, right?

Quick assessment - Which sentence is correct?

1. She has more clothes than me.
2. She has more clothes than I.

#2. She has more clothes than I (have clothes).
It sounds so ridiculous. We often forget that colloquial speech has different rules and allowances. While it is perfectly acceptable to say #1, when it is written, we are supposed to take on a slightly more formal. Somewhere along the way, we lost that. Check out the OWL for more information.

I can remember correcting my friends' notes in middle school and high school. I usually did not return them, but maybe I should have. Perhaps I could have reached a few before their writing skills solidified.

The most fun part is that creative writing doesn't seem to require the formality, because writers try to create a voice that others can relate to. Who would want to purchase a book that is difficult to read and doesn't sound like a person telling a story? What I fear is that we have generations within our society that cannot switch between textbook writing and creative writing, so they miss some of the key elements that explain how we got to this point.


I spent a portion of the day today writing some political and method pieces for English teacher reform practices to comply with the educational reform that will take effect in August. I am fired up about the possibility of having to push my ideas at the state and national levels. I am considering putting together a presentation and lesson to take to the Michigan Council of Teachers of English events throughout the year. I have started networking with other English teacher activists. This could be the start of something much more substantial and sustainable for English teachers nationwide.

Some of the key ideas that I am fleshing out in my articles/methods seem so fundamental while others are delving into theoretical practices and hypothetical outcomes that I think I had better do some additional area studies at the K-12 level, as well as the college level.

I am collecting data from students, teachers, community members, and state representatives that pushed the educational reform.

Avenues of thought:

1. U.S. culture of intolerance of foreign languages in general society. Most people don't even follow the standards of American English. We are being lead by the younger generations who don't know how to spell 'you' because they've been writing 'u', etc. on the internet.

2. Teaching the changes in communication styles over the past 50 years and how that has shaped our language.

3. Need for more grammar at the primary level.

4. Helping other English teachers to teach grammar in context of already scheduled topics and plans, as well as in an approach that utilizing the multiple learning styles of each student.

5. Explaining the linguistics behind our language (the evolution and vowel shift from the middle ages and what it has done to communication and culture).

6. The need to teach more foreign languages at the elementary level so that students will learn root words in other languages (why do you think the Spelling Bee champs ask for the language of origin!?!)

7. Explanation of how to successfully integrated the whole language and phonetic approach to learning to stop creating educational gaps across the country and between generations.

8. Comparative studies of the language/grammar skills from all over the world (primarily in first-world countries)

9. Where technology is leading us - spell check, grammar check, dictionaries, auto-correct, internet/email language, the impact on research and writing skills with writing so widely available, etc.

I have a few other ideas, but I think I should pace myself this summer and first put forth some effort on those listed above.

This probably sounds so boring to you. I am just concerned about evaporating communication skills. We are overdue for a vowel shift in English, which usually eliminates a connection to literature and texts from centuries ago. Having a standardized language helps to keep it alive and well, while holding off major changes that will, inevitably, affect any civilization.

...

Jeremy drove out Friday evening and left Sunday evening. I regret that I was simply exhausted the entire weekend - it's amazing how stress can overload one's system. We cuddled and napped a lot, which was actually something I needed. We haven't had much time to do anything like that these past few months. We did go for a short walk around my neighborhood. I showed him the civil war era cemetery where I usually pause during my evening strolls.

My anxiety regarding my relationship, I've discovered, is actually a fear that I won't be able to quickly adjust to living with him again. I don't like change. In fact, I will go out of my way to avoid it in most cases. We have a system worked out with our schedules to stay in contact. I am finally comfortable with the system we have going - calls before bedtime and visits whenever possible on the weekends. I am aware that this probably doesn't seem like a fulfilling relationship, but it really is. I am incredibly independent. I like having the freedom to just exist in my own little world. On the other hand, Jeremy and I love each other and are great friends. He is the one person I can never get enough of. He makes me laugh. We find the same things hilarious and interesting. We rarely lack a conversation topic. He is a really sweet guy, despite picking up pilot behaviors from his colleagues. He is goal driven and wants to start his own business combining his background in public safety and aviation with his love of the maritime tradition.

I should write more positive entries. Maybe I shouldn't wait until 3:30 AM to write them. Who cares, though? Friday was my last school day for the year. It's summer vacation. I've already had one job offer. I have two application packets to send back in to other districts. I have another interview later this month, and I should hear from the prep school in the afternoon or Tuesday. The only reason I haven't gone in to sign paperwork for the one offer is that I am trying to negotiate a higher salary based on my other offers. I want the best possible deal - I need to find out more about tuition reimbursment, etc. for my master's.

Amendment to last post...

Three have lost relatives this week.
My thoughts are with you.

Condolences

Two people I know recently lost grandparents (Wednesday). I am so sorry for both of your losses. My prayers are with you. If you need anything, please call me.

PostSecret

I found myself reading and rereading the postcards on PostSecret. It's almost as if they navigate my emotions - ups, downs, revelations and laughter. I feel like a crazy person, but I'm not crazy. I should see someone, though. I have been feeling a little out of sorts lately.

Last night, I woke at approximately 3:30 to what I thought was someone talking in my room. I don't know if it was a neighbor being loud (which is not normal for this quiet little place) or if I was dreaming a little too vividly. I expected to see someone standing in my doorway, but no one was there. I checked all the locks, and they were secure.

Now, a regular person would probably think that it was just a dream. I'd love to put all my money on that number, but I have other factors to consider. My grandmother was schizophrenic (she spoke to "relatives she misses" as my family says). She went through a long period of shock treatments (almost every month for a decade or so). About six years ago, my cousin started getting into all sorts of dangerous trouble - mostly setting fires and exhibiting violent tantrums against voices only he could hear. I used to hear a voice whenever I had a chemical and/or hormonal imbalance (that's all adolescence is, isn't it?) I don't hear it anymore, though. It's like someone yelling into a glass - you know, like kids like to do when they're little, only my voice is that of an adult man. This is one reason I try to avoid taking any medication...even Advil. Crazy shit starts happening in my head. Anyway...I should probably stop revealing so much.

Today was interesting. I have finished everything for the end of the year, so I sat in my office and watched Videos on Demand in German. I started to recognize words I had long since forgotten. It was nice to that. Tomorrow will consist of the same.

I came home with a list of chores, but opted instead to watch Mean Girls and Bowling for Columbine. I vegged out, spoke to Jeremy, and sang to my cats (one really likes that).

I've also turned into a voracious reader. I read two books yesterday. I had a slight headache from speedreading, but the books were quite good and I wanted to finish them before bedtime. I have another lined up to start tonight and finish tomorrow while I am sitting in my office listening to German.

The multi-tasking is probably what is making me feel overwhelmed. I like the stress, though. I have fewer recurring dreams of losing my teeth.

the downer

Is anyone else feeling depressed tonight? I can't seem to shake it.

I'm 25.

I'm lonely.

I've reached a point in my life that sex (or lack thereof) doesn't matter. Shouldn't I still have a spark?

I've been in a relationship for six years now. I thought I'd be married by now. My boyfriend lives three hours away and wants me to compromise my plans for next year to make his life easier.

I thought I'd be a world traveler and established orchestral musician. Instead, I'm an over-analytical teacher who doesn't know how to "live it up" anymore.

People owe me money - lots of it, and I want it back. I could afford a fairly extravagant trip to Germany, Austria, and Switzerland this summer if I had it.

I was an over-achiever. Now, I just pretend to be.

I annoy people because I try so hard to get them to like me. I should just stop contacting my some of my friends for about six months and guilt-trip them later for not calling me. Let them know that they suck sometimes. - Reenee, you are definitely NOT in that list!

I was fickle when I was younger, but who wasn't?

I've been crying tonight. I've been angry tonight. I've probably wanted to rip off your head.

Bren is getting married in two weeks. I'm happy for him, but this joyous occasion makes me want to punch Jeremy.

Jeremy's mom has now started nagging him about marrying me. That's gotta be a bad sign - if someone WANTS to be a mother-in-law. Jeremy keeps telling me about it, thinking I will be on HIS side - yeah, fucking right!

I hated myself up until college (Explains a lot, huh?). I finally started to like myself for a few years. Now, I can only see that ugly, geeky, bitch in the mirror. I hate her. Do you?

MV mentioned that we should go to Europe this summer. I want to go, but I know Jeremy would shit a brick if I took a trip with another dude.

I've thought about killing myself eleven times today. This is most likely hormonal shifts from PMS. We'll see, though. Would any of you truly miss me? I think I just sort of pop up on the grid here and there, but I seem to be an "extra" in most situations.

I should clean the bathroom again, just to get high off the bleach fumes. At least that would make me "feel" happy.

...

I woke today feeling energized. I was going to tackle the world today, but an early afternoon nap totally changed that. I did make it to the library to pick up some study guides for German.

I am realizing that the position I've been offered may not be the best for me. I know I can teach. I just don't really have passion for the German language or culture. I don't see myself being happy in the job. I am hoping for something else to come up - I know that is terrible of me, but I want to feel passionate about my job. I love writing and literature - the kids pick up on that, and it helps to make them want to learn more.

I signed up for the certification test in July, though, and I hope that all of my studying and revisiting my work from the past will stir something. The principal knows that I do not want to teach German, but he said that the job will change over the years.

I feel as though I am giving something up, even though I would still get to teach English. This job would be a compromise for where Jeremy and I want and need live, what I want to teach, income needs, and satisfying my own personal academic goals with grad work.

I am tired of compromising. I'M NOT MARRIED! I DON'T HAVE KIDS. I AM A COMPETETENT AND SKILLED TEACHER. I HAVE SOME PRETTY PRESTIGIOUS SCHOOLS LOOKING TO RECRUIT ME. Why should I have to limit myself to make Jeremy's life easier?

You know what? It's been six years. If he wants me to keep supporting him the way I do and the way I've done in the past, he has to anty up. I'm not his wife. I refuse to give up on what I want. And I'm sick of waiting.

Job Offer!

I contacted the principal today, and he offered me the German/English position! I made sure that he understood that I am not yet endorsed to teach German, but he said that all I need to do is sign up for the test and I will be all set (of course, I have to take the test). I am very worried about this job. I am so scared to teach German - what if I can't build up my skills enough to facilitate skill mastery in my students?

I will be speaking to the human resources department on Tuesday to fine tune the offer and see where I stand with my certification and salary. I am fairly happy - I just want an offer from the college prep school. As long as I don't sign anything, I can use my current offer as a bargaining tool to see what I can get for the other school.

At least I know I will be moving back to the Detroit area soon!!! I have to contact my uncle and find out if he's willing to rent his townhouse. Then, I need to start getting my shit ready to go!

...............................

Staff party tonight. I had a really good time - I didn't expect to go. I drank for a while, got drunk, spoke with many of my colleagues, sobered up, and then headed home. I am taking a short break from cleaning. I want to complete my bathroom and kitchen tonight, and maybe reorganize my linen closet, too. I will sort through clothes and get some things ready for donation tomorrow. It's time to get these things away from me.

...............................

I am losing weight. I seem to be swimming in my clothes and the belts keep going one more notch, one more notch. What a good feeling. This has been an incredible week! I finished all of my end-of-the-year paperwork today, so I have a week to just hang out in my office. What a way to close this school year.

...............................

Everything seems to be falling into place, for once. I don't think I have ever experienced this before. I've never had so much positive at one time. I hope it continues.

Interview recap

So, yesterday I went to both of my interviews. It turns out that the first one wasn't even a FT English position - the principal had advertised it incorrectly. It is a 3/5 German, 2/5 English position...and he didn't even bring it up. He just let his German teacher speak to me auf Deutsch and I had to roll with it. I had to ask a question of clarification for him to explain what had happened. Throwing me into a situation like that - blind - does not make for the best interview, to say the least. Hell, I am not even German certified! The principal called today, though, and left a message asking me to contact him tomorrow. I know they have more people to interview, so I should not have received a call yet. I don't even know if I want to teach German. My skills have gone down the crapper over the past four years. I don't know if I will be able to build them up in time. Plus, I will have to register for the MTTC German test, which I hear, is a nightmare to take. Most people fail it the first two or three times they take it. That is not what I want to hear. I suppose I will just find out tomorrow what the principal wants.

The second interview at the college prep school was phenomenal!!! I cannot tell you how incredible it was to be there, teaching to their students for 45 minutes. I don't think I have ever had so much fun teaching a brand new class. I didn't feel nervous. I didn't stutter. I didn't talk in circles. The lesson went by so quickly and easily - I WANT TO WORK THERE! I met with all different people afterward. I am the only person being interviewed who does not have a master's or a doctoral degree. I have the training and experience they want, though. I will hear back in a little over a week. I am on pins and needles till then. The facility was gorgeous - it looks like an art gallery in the high school lobby - and the craftsmanship of the work is amazing. The students were absolutely wonderful to me, even clapping at the end of the lesson. They are very bright, well-trained in literary work, very much involved in the classroom discussion and activities. I was totally shocked. I knew they would be great, but that great!?! The discussion in the class was akin to something at the college level AND they are only ninth graders! Most of the faculty has at least a master's degree, most have their PhD's. A number of them are Ivy Leaguers. I need to work in an environment like that.

But money may take precendence. I don't know how much they pay, and I want to plan ahead for my retirement, as well as my graduate study, etc. along the way.

...

I spent most of my day today relaxing and watching TV. I know I should focus on my lesson plan for Wednesday's interview, but I just cannot bring myself to finish it - I have been working on it in small chunks, though. You know, whatever I can complete in between games of FreeCell and Spider Solitaire. I cleaned out several cupboards here and tossed a bunch of containers I no longer use. I want my pack/move to go smoothly, so I am trying to eliminate as much as possible as quickly as possible. If my uncle allows me to rent out his townhouse, he may decided to leave his furniture - which could cause a small problem, as I have a large furniture - and lots of it. We'll have to wait and see what my needs will be in the way of housing.

The real estate field is really a buyer's market at this point. I've been looking at my options for rent-to-own and zero down purchases in the Farmington Hills area, as well as A2/Ypsi/Belleville. I am so happy that I have great credit. Some of my friends have wound up in credit card debt (and other debt) from our college years. I've always been one to save money and pay things off early. This just means that I've never really taken vacation trips, other than a weekend away in say, Traverse City or Chicago. I've moved to some interesting places, so I guess that will have to count for something.

I think Jeremy's given up on moving to New Zealand in the next ten years. I already feel as though we are planting roots. Perhaps when we go there on a trip (hopefully in two years if all goes well), we can decide if that is something to kick around again.

...

I have been trying to map out graduate study so that I finish in a couple of years. If I get hired at Country Day, I'd probably attend Oakland or Wayne State, and if I get hired at BHS, I will probably go to U of M or Eastern. I know I could go to any of these, but I want to make sure I am not spending my life driving. I need to get back into Dearborn's (summer) orchestra and begin teaching private percussion lessons again.

...

I think I might throw a house-warming party at the next place I live. I never do that, and I would love to have old friends and new(er) friends over for a visit.

...

Just got a call from my dad. He took my mom to the ER this afternoon - she was really ill this weekend. She is already in poor health, so he took her in, just to make sure it wasn't pneumonia. She's okay - she is getting over some virus going around. She was a mess this morning. Whatever they prescribed is supposed to alleviate pain and prevent the blood vessels in her brain from bursting. I will be driving home tomorrow afternoon to spend time with her and prepare for my interviews on Wednesday.

...

I helped Jeremy pack and move his belongings yesterday and today. It was sweaty, tiring work, but it is done. One of Jeremy's roommates was totally shocked to see how quickly I operate in those situations. Jeremy had been sorting and boxing his things for hours, but within one hour of my arrival, I had the rest of his stuff boxed and lined up to take to my dad's truck.

Now, I just need to get my life set up and move my stuff.

Went to a barbecue today at my uncle's house. It was such a nice afternoon. Good people. Good conversation. I might be able to rent his townhouse in Ann Arbor.

I can't wait until Jeremy and I are living under the same roof again.

I am going to drive home early tomorrow morning.

End of a terrific week!

I cannot express how positive this week has been, overall. I have bumped into the guy I've been trying to avoid, but there has been no issue. He doesn't acknowledge me and I don't acknowledge him. Seems to be a good way to go with this, for the moment.

Other things...I had a terrific phone interview today with one school. It is an incredible school. I could be very happy there.

Next week, I have an interview on Wednesday morning, as well as a second interview in the afternoon at the college prep school (I will be teaching a lesson in one of the freshman English classes). I couldn't be more thrilled.

I am ahead of schedule with my school paperwork at my current building.
I am wearing clothes one size smaller than usual - still not where I want to be, but it is much better - the weight is coming off!
I have been very physically active this week. I have been walking and jogging (very little).
Tomorrow I will be helping Jeremy move and then spending some time visiting with him.
Brendan sent me a story he would like critiqued. We had an interesting conversation today about the embarassment of sharing work (I am so glad I am not alone!). I sent him two short stories of mine. I am hoping for some positive feedback.

Jeremy and I have been communicating better than ever lately. He is such a good man. I am so glad I found him, although I was afraid to date him - I was the one that didn't really want to define the relationship at first. I had just gotten past a really emotionally messy year with dating two other people when Jeremy and I started seeing each other. And now, six years later, I am so happy with this man. I can't wait to see him tomorrow.

It's late. I should be sleeping. I was going to go to be early and rise early. I just couldn't stop writing tonight.

MV called at almost midnight. He definitely does know me. He had an inkling I'd be up late writing tonight. I hope we can hang out in June.

...

So, I bumped into the guy today. Another teacher and I went out to lunch, and upon returning, the guy was at one of the doors. The other teacher called to him to hold the door and he did. I hesitated - I really wanted to just walk around to the front of the building, but I decided to stick with the other teacher.

The guy actually held the door for us as we walked in. He didn't say anything, as I think he's been instructed not to initiate conversation, but I did squeak out a 'thank you'. I didn't like saying it, but he did hold the door. I'm just happy that we didn't have some sort of falling out. I guess I expected a certain level of retaliation - maybe his ten days off work was the time for that. My administration hasn't said whether or not this man is in counseling for his behavior. God, I hope so.

...

After I returned from my drum lesson tonight, I decided to walk around my neighborhood. This isn't an uncommon thing; I just decided to go a different route. I stopped off in a cemetery that is nestled among residential property and forest.

I thought it was somewhat of a creepy endeavor, but I went in anyway. I haven't really spent time in a cemetery for several years (there are two old cemeteries in Kalamazoo where I did photography once-in-a-while). This one seemed nearly empty if one was to look solely at the headstones. One of the more prominent markers was on a war soldier's grave. Born 1763. Died 1816. The place was calm - quiet, despite the fact that there is a neighborhood with many young families just beyond the fenceline. It definitely had an M. Night Shyamalan quality to it.

I am considering getting materials to do some grave rubbings, but it might just be easier to do some photography. There are some great trees I can use for shadow. Digital would be the easiest, but I think I will buy some black and white film and a variety of filters for experiments with inset grain and era effect. If only my parents had a dark room in their new house. Perhaps I can build one in my place next year, should Jeremy and I have enough to put a down payment on a condo. I miss making my own prints. Perhaps I should take some photography classes at a community college just for the access to a photo lab.

Is it creepy that I enjoy being in cemeteries? I'm not rolling around on the lawns or anything. Cemeteries are just linked to many positive childhood memories. We used to go to (the old) Maple Grove Cemetery on Ann Arbor Trail when I was little. We did grave rubbings and my dad did a great deal of photography there. Perhaps I should visit it when I stop and see Autumn next time. I don't know, though. My elementary school was torn down and it might be depressing to see the gaping wound that is left within the fenced lawn.

I am such a downer today!

Tomorrow, I have meetings all day and then I am meeting James for dinner. Perhaps I can convince him to bring Noah - for a while last year, we were like the three amigos - well two amigos and me. If only Noah and I could find that friendship that we had. If only he hadn't gone and made things awkward.

Oh, damn. I'm doing it again. No more IF ONLY's!

...

I had a little panic attack today. I went to the center lounge area of my school building to get a cup of water and I almost had a run-in with the guy. I started to open the door, and there he was. I froze for a second and then nearly sprinted down the hall and around a corner. I'm not sure what I am so afraid of...it could be that I don't know if he is going to say or do something horrible to me in retaliation for calling him out on his inappropriate conduct.
I know I have to work with him, but I really don't want him near me. One of the teachers saw me and called me into her office. She said I looked "a bit rattled." She calmed me down and I went on my way.
I like that others are looking out for me. I like that good people are still out there.
I hate that this guy gets to me and makes me feel panic. I want to be indifferent. Why can't that be so?

...

I survived yet another mind-numbing day in this podunk town. I managed to complete my personal statement of purpose to attach to my graduate school applications. I have some alterations to make for each different school, but I think I've pieced together something insightful that maps out my interest, aptitude, and experience, as well as the long-term implications of my proposed research. Now, I just need to find out which school will give me the best deal (especially since my completed grad work should be helpful in earning/transferring credit for electives within the English field).

Programs I am waiting to hear about:

#1 MA in Comparative Literature from WSU
#2 MA in English Education at UM
#3 MA in English at OU
#4 MA in Literature at EMU
#5 MFA in Creative Writing at UM



Today, I also watched an 80's classic: Trading Places. It never fails to entertain me. I went grocery shopping. I spoke to MP, Reenee, Jeremy, and JD. All-in-all, not a bad day.

...

I slept in until about 9 this morning - not a bad time. Last night I told myself I would go running, but now, all I want to do is sit around. I know about 1/2 a mile in I will start to enjoy what I am doing, but gathering the motivation to go is harder than hell.

I had the dream again in which I lose my teeth. This time, though, only the molars were dropping out. I don't know what causes this dream, but I am eager to find out. Perhaps a shrink or a hypnotist can help with this one. Or maybe it's just time for me to make a dentist appointment.

I hope James calls me today. Maybe we can do something absolutely silly and go fly kites on the beach in South Haven. I am feeling a little odd today.

...

I called a number of my friends last night and today to schedule something to do. I am just not good when left alone.

MP is probably chasing after some boy.
Reenee is probably working overtime or spending time with her boyfriend.
MV is pretty much a flake. Sometimes I want to hit him - he can be so inconsiderate.
NK is too far away - and plus her hubby is returning home from rehab.
AJO is an absolute pill lately.
MZ mentioned she'd like to go out drinking - perhaps I will call her later this afternoon.
Jeremy is in Minneapolis doing more aviation training for his promotion.
Nate is married now and it would be weird if he came to visit - I think his wife works weekends.
Beck is too busy with her beau. I'm happy for her, but I never get to see her.
Bren is preparing for his wedding.

I called a friend/colleague from work. This week has been the week from hell for her, and I wanted to make sure she is okay. She was out running - something I should be doing, but I don't really have it in me. I never learn. Whenever I consume alcohol, I experience pain in my kidneys the following several days. I think my kidney stone last year really caused some permanent damage as it passed.


I baked a small batch of chocolate chip cookies. I ate a few and then decided it was a bad decision to make food with refined sugar. What I need to do is give away all of my material possessions and live in a hippie commune. I'd eat healthy organic foods and not be so attached to things. Hell, it couldn't hurt to gain more socialist ideals, considering this country seems to be moving more and more in that direction.

I need to do something productive. I am thinking I will read the rest of As I lay Dying, then do some writing (both creative and academic). Afterward (or maybe prior to) I will study more music theory and German. I need to sign up for the teacher certification test for both, so some studying is necessary.

...

Woke fairly early. No hangover - not that that is a surprise; I've never experienced a hangover. I hopped on the internet and just surfed for a little over an hour. I thought I'd be more productive than this. I planned on running, but I didn't have the drive to do it. I can still go, but I'm certain I will come up with a bunch of reasons not to.

I am happy to not have to really do anything today, except relax. I haven't had a weekend like this in a while.

...

Despite my concerns this week, work was actually fairly decent. I was worried about retaliation from a certain somebody, but he was confined to his office by administration. If the rest of the year continues like this, I shall be quite content. Classes, overall, flew right by.

I am eager for summer vacation. I decided not to take grad classes or work during this time. Things have been so crazy in my life these last few years; I just want time to relax, exercise, and get my life situated back in the Detroit area.
Last year, I took a number of classes at Western and Ball State and did well (4.0, baby!), but I don't think I have it in me to do that again. I was in "the zone" working two jobs while I didn't have to teach. At least I know I am capable of surviving a work schedule nightmare such as that again.

I am baking bread this evening for no reason - I just want to something different. I haven't heard back from James about hanging out this week. Maybe I'll just give Carmen a call. Or maybe Noah. Well, maybe not Noah. He might get the wrong idea, especially after last year.
I know - I should give Mike a call and have him visit tomorrow!

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My wanting to hang out with people is actually a derivative of my wanting to drink. I know I can drink without others, but it doesn't seem as bad. I have no wine in my apartment anymore. I do have a little bit of Bailey's left. Today feels like a Scotch day, though.

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I know, I know. I'm unloading my emotions without producing anything useful.

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I like being 25. I like being beyond the age where I am treated as if I don't know anything, although every school year someone thinks I'm a student or a brand new teacher - fresh out of college. I've kept the idealism, which is great when my administrators observe me or when someone comes in to observe for new ideas. It is nice to appear young...sometimes. I hope that I still get carded at 30.

That's enough of that.

...

Several of my friends have been sending me those survey emails where you will fill in your information and pass them along. I've received the same one now six times. I am trying to resist filling it out, as they tend to make me dwell on things that don't necessarily matter, but I am tempted. Perhaps I will just post one or two here and be done with it.

.............................................

The guy who has been bothering me at work is supposed to return tomorrow, thus ending his suspension. I really don't want to run into him, so I refuse to do hall duty. I covered hall supervision several times this week already. The anxiety is building. I tried to lie down and sleep, but my mind is going a mile a minute. I don't think I've ever felt such panic about going to work - not even when I started teaching (I have a touch of glossophobia, but it has gotten a lot better over the past four years - it's still not gone, though). I am learning that I have to open up about these things. I used to keep stuff bottled up, and that has resulted in a variety of nasty situations and arguments that just should not have happened.

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One of my students attempted suicide six days ago. I just found out she was in the hospital for five days. I'm glad she is alive and going to school (today was her first day back). This situation conjured up some demons from my past. Luckily, I never reached the point of actually getting the blood to flow uncontrollably - I was always too scared to dig the knives that deep (I did had a favorite knife - It was more a scalpel, though, from a science experiment kit I received as a Christmas gift). I know about the depression, mood disorders, psychological problems. My own suicidal thoughts and behaviors stopped around junior or senior year of high school - pretty much when I started dating steadily. I don't know if these are related - probably, though (maybe self-esteem issues); the times coincide.

I just hope my student finds some way to work through this. I used writing - I still don't open those notebooks, but I do keep them with my other writing. Someday I will open them again. I also am prone to obsessive-compulsive behaviors. At least they aren't violent - I just use these behaviors to clean my living space. What's wrong with living in a germ-free environment?

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Jeremy told me that I've been saying things totally out of character. Apparently, I am not a "happy, sun-shiny person," but I have been saying volumes about the better side of life. It's not that I am forgetting about those things, I am just attempting to say more about the neglected part of my existence. I am stable, good even. I have good job security, but I am trading it in for a better job over the summer. I am losing weight - correction - my overall weight has not changed significantly, but I am building muscle and losing fat (my clothes are getting too big for me). I have to buy all new dress pants soon! I am writing a lot more. Here, my journal, my notebooks of scripts and fiction. Oh, and at some point, I started writing poetry again. Because I am such a literary snob, I think I will polish them and have Bren give me comments.

..........................................

I think I should try to get some sleep soon. That is, if I can turn off my worrying mind.

...

I have an interview scheduled at one of the Catholic schools in the Detroit area. I am considering calling to cancel. I love teaching in that type of environment, but the salary and the policies will not be helpful to Jeremy and me. I am going to sleep on it, though, and decide whether or not to call and cancel.

Positives: great curriculum, respectful and responsible students, great class size, involved parents, positive atmosphere, Catholic social teaching, conducive to me starting my master's program and going to school in the evenings, extremely professional workplace.

Negatives: not allowed to live with Jeremy (could get fired for "cohabitation"), salary is much lower and public school counterparts, Catholic social teaching, arrogant students who do not feel it is to their benefit to help others, no money for grad school.

Other things to consider: all-boys school (not necessarily positive or negative), farther away than I planned to travel (but highways are everywhere in that area - and this may determine where I do my graduate study; however, with rising gas prices...), belonging to a church (I keep trying to be a true believer - I need all the help I can get), I haven't set up my interviews with other school districts (should be doing this very soon) and I don't want to use up my personal days (hell - I can't even get a personal day for this interview - I might have to call in sick).

I guess the question is would I take the job if offered? I honestly don't know.
It was a struggle financially last year when I worked at a Catholic school. This put a lot of strain on my relationship with Jeremy because I had to work a total of three jobs, just to break even. It will be tough enough with me taking graduate classes. On the flipside, Catholic schools offer such a great venue for teaching. I don't think I've ever taught so much and in so much depth as I did at the Catholic school.

Oh, what to do...

I applied to several other Catholic schools a little closer to where I will be living, and I expect to hear from them very soon.

...

Drove to my parents' house yesterday night, even though they are out of town this weekend. I did some laundry (yes, theirs, too). I spent today working on an article for a teaching periodical. I was able to finish it by the time Jeremy arrived to take me out to dinner. I was in the zone. It's been a long time since I was so far into the zone. It seems to only happen in my parents' house lately. I suppose it's because I really have no responsibilities here. I don't have to worry about pets or cleaning or packing or any of the stresses that I feel at my apartment.

I have heard from three schools already. I have an interview on Monday (phone interview, anyway), and the other two schools have made contact just to let me know that they are not scheduling interviews for a couple of weeks, but I will be hearing from them later on. Kind of an odd thing to get a call for, but still, it means that I have a decent shot.

I was planning on going out to lunch today with MV, but he totally blew me off. I feel somewhat angry with him, but it's probably for the best. I was able to complete that article and send it to the editor (the deadline is Monday!).

The guy at work who has been harassing me may return next week. I am not pleased.

...

um...well...thought I wanted to write. Guess I'm not feeling it anymore.
There's so much to say, but I don't have the patience or energy.

Next time, then...

Fractured Me

Yesterday, I met with two administrators in my building.

Over the course of the past month-and-a-half, I (and another woman) have been putting up with harassment from a coworker. I initially thought my comments on professionalism and ethics would be enough. I also felt the spring break would be a nice break for him to reflect and fix some of these concerns. However, when we all returned, he started again. I was very direct and instructed him that his conduct was unprofessional. He makes unacceptable comments about my appearance (usually in a sexual manner) and asks very inappropriate questions about Jeremy's visits, such as "Where does he sleep? With you?" "Don't you need more physical contact?", etc. The list gets even worse. He has said these things in front of many of our coworkers, which embarasses and infuriates me.

He keeps trying to make physical contact with me, mostly with attempts to get a hug (which wouldn't be a big deal if we were friends and we weren't at work - this just isn't the case). I've been trying to rationalize/justify his behavior toward me (and the other woman), which I know is ridiculous.

For the past week-and-a-half, I have been avoiding him by ducking into classrooms if I see him in the hall. Having a master key to the interior doors of my school is empowering, even though in this particular case, it led to me not being so empowered. I snake through the building through the oddly-connected classrooms to get to my office and avoid seeing him.

I had asked the other woman involved about his behavior, and she shared some disturbing information from his interactions with her. In fact, a recent development in her woes was the catalyst that sent me to my supervisors. This man had been harassing her for some time, and she thought the problem had stopped. It turns out that he had just started to bother me instead. Recently, he has returned to harassing her and the most recent situation was pretty bad.

So, this morning - after carefully walking through the building to avoid said man - the superintendent and administrators shared with me that he is on an "extended leave of absence". They met with him yesterday and discussed his behavior. I have no idea if he will return.

The worst part is that I feel guilty and ashamed. I have actually sought help from one of the therapists/counselors (not a guidance counselor - an actual counselor) to figure out my feelings. I've never done that before. Honestly, I have never felt so weak before. My family has never been supportive of getting mental/emotional help. In fact, my father has made fun of people who seek this kind of guidance. I think it is the way he dealt with his confusion about his own mother's schizophrenia.

I feel guilty that this person will most likely have to find a new job. I should not feel like this. I feel as though I am to blame, but I didn't to anything wrong. I am simply one of the whistle-blowers. After talking with our counselor, she explained that I may be misinterpreting my feelings. She asked about my feelings about being a victim. When she said this, an old wound opened and, briefly, poured blood.

I suppose I don’t necessarily feel guilt about the possibility of him not returning to his current job. On the surface, though, it does seem that way. It’s difficult for me to separate my emotions.

I am feeling guilty because I allowed myself to be a victim. I didn’t physically retaliate as I did in the past. I was stunned and didn’t express my thoughts using my incredibly strong personality. I was stern but not loud. Loud probably would have worked. I feel like I must have not said to stop enough. I thought I had said it plenty, but I guess it wasn't stated in a way he could comprehend. I want to tell my parents about this, but I don't know how. I feel like I somehow failed my parents because I needed to talk to a professional about the situation.

When can I just let go of or forget all of the notions and experiences that have fractured me?

...

I applied for two teaching positions in the Detroit area today.

Faulkner

I have been reading Faulkner's As I Lay Dying. I have read it previously but decided to give it another shot. While I enjoy the sudden shifts in perspective and the stream-of-consciousness approach to his writing, there seems to be something lacking. I picture myself reading a cheap knock-off of The Canterbury Tales. The characters in As I Lay Dying are on a pilgrimage, if you will, but they don't seem to be interacting with one another in a believable manner. I understand this is supposed to emphasize how people detach themselves from the world in the presence of catastrophes and death, but enough is enough. I am halfway through and still don't feel any connection to the family members or townspeople. I have no idea how this book has ever been labeled a "tour de force". The characters, especially the women, don't really convey true human emotion.

I am pretty sure that Faulkner introduced the stream-of-consciousness style of narration (if memory serves correctly), but it's not fluid as most stream-of-consciousness writings are now. This books is severely disjointed. Maybe people in the 1930s didn't think the same way we think now. I find that hard to digest, simply because evolution has not changed our brains that quickly.

I'd love to have you share your thoughts. Please comment and give me something to go on to finish this book.